I was molested by my stepfather, from the ages of 10-13 but

I was molested by my stepfather, from the ages of 10-13 but before 10 he was grooming me and doing very inappropriate things. I feel like from the moment he touched me is when I lost my life. I'm 25 now and I'm ruined. I'm damaged in so many ways, addictions, stds, lost opportunities. My fear is that I'm not going to be able to work because of the depression and one day i'll just lose my mind and end up in a psych ward or on the street. I work from home and I can barely get out of bed. I moved across the country and isolated myself from friends and family. I feel like they never really cared anyway. But I'm afraid for my life. Everyone around me is thriving and I'm stuck and can barely get anything right. Flashbacks are tearing me apart. there's so much going on I don't even know where to start. And I have to keep a roof over my head so I need to function. Otherwise I'll have to move back to where I was abused. I have a therapist that I see but I feel like it's too little too late, I've already lost so much.

4 Hearts

its never too late for help

You will only get out of therapy what you are willing to put into it. I don't mean to sound harsh but you've got to choose to take your life back from those that stole it from you.

I was molested by my dad and emotionally abused by my mother. My mother even knew what was happening and once even accused me and my dad of having an affair. I was 12 at the time.

While my childhood did quite a number on me, I was not about to allow it to destroy me. I decided that my best revenge was not only to survive but to thrive. The journey hasn't always been easy but it's made me who I am today, and I like that person very much.

You're stronger than you think you are or you wouldn't have made it this far. There is a life waiting for you out there but it won't come to you, you'll have to go out there and grab it by the horns.

You can do this, hun. I promise there is light at the end of this tunnel but you have to keep moving forward to reach it. Remember...you already survived the worst.

XXX

1 Heart

@StillStandingMF I’m trying, I’m in therapy, I’m reading trauma workbooks, I’m taking driving lessons, joined the gym, trying to work. But all it takes is one flashback and I’m out for weeks curled up in a ball. Some days I can’t eat or sleep. Some days I binge eat and can’t leave my bed.

You are stronger than you are allowing yourself to believe. Therapy hopefully will lessen the severity of the flashbacks. Perhaps ask the therapist if there is a support group as well. There you might meet someone to talk to when the flashbacks occur and you can't get to the therapist. Sometimes just letting it out, feeling heard can be empowering. Journaling right after a flashback could also help. Try to focus on the feelings and not necessarily actions occurring in the flashback. Using the non dominant hand can allow for some free thought. It can feel strange at first, but it can be therapeutic. Some people can actually lessen the effects of them by looking for a certain object or person in the flashback. Please continue working in therapy. Yes, it may take a while, but you have boarded the train. Now to just keep it on track. Keep on keeping on.

Thank you all. I've been told I'm suffering from severe ptsd. My body recorded so many memories and encounters with my stepfather, and the physical sensations. So now going through it as an adult I get so angry seeing this grown man prey on a little girl. He ruined my life and never had good intentions from the start. I write about it, pray, so many things but I just feel like I'm running in circles. Lately I've been wondering if I should start eating edible marijuana. I used to drink heavily but I stopped, I've never done any drugs in my life. But life is only getting harder and harder and I've had countless therapists, life coaches, friends, etc. become overwhelmed with me. No one ever knows what to do with me after a while and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm afraid I'm going to end up in a mental institution. I'm not functioning at all. The only reason I have a job is because I work from home, and I can barely get up from my bed to walk to my desk most days.

Recovery is always possible. Support groups are so so useful, and perhaps developing a routine for bouts of PTSD will benefit you? I find that creating organized routines helps me greatly in the face of anxiety or trouble. Best of luck xxx

1 Heart

organized routines like what if you're willing to share? And what if you can't get out of bed?

Consider asking your therapist to find you a practitioner of EMDR (read about it at www.emdr.com). This is a therapy that is acute, but it helps you get over the PTSD of it enough to begin dealing with your other feelings of depression and hopelessness. Many LCSW's and MFCC's know how to do this therapy, as well as the traditional talk therapy. It was hard, and it hurt, but it helped me. It saved my life. And it helped me forgive myself for all of the consequences of my dysfunction in the wake of my abuse, as a young adult just about your age. I felt like you did when I was 25, and I am now nearly 60 and so glad I stuck around for the good part. Don't give up! The EMDR helped me get over the panicking and stuck feeling, and then talk therapy helped me to see that little girl in her suffering and have compassion for her, and I learned to parent her myself with all the love and understanding I wish I could have gotten from my parents. It is a long road, but please know you are worth it. There is a life after this feeling. A good one. You can get there. I am sending you all the love and light I can muster right now!!!

1 Heart

Thank you

Sounds like a very similar situation to me as well, I'm 23 and was abused from as early as I can remember by my nan up to 5, that and a bunch of other **** that happened in my disfunctional family has made me a mess and I'm scared for my life and future. I don't really have any advice except to hang in there and know your not alone in this.

@Zach94 I’m learning that more and more that there are people all over who are suffering. It’s quite depressing but helps me to understand that survival through unbearable pain is possible. I’m sorry for what you went through it’s truly horrible and I wish adults could see the damage they’ve caused. I just don’t want to stand witness and watch my life get worse and worse because of self-destructive habits. It’s overwhelming. Also in my life I feel like everyone around me is “normal” and I’m just this weird alien species.

It's never too late to get things right. Don't be so hard on yourself. Your time will come. You're not ruined, you're hurt. And that's okay. You'll make it, I promise.

@needtorecover14 thank you