I was raised to be alone. Friendless. I never thought I would be in my early 20s and still friendless. I was home schooled my whole life. My church was my only socialization, since my mom was socially awkward my "socialization" was standing in the corner, and waiting for people to talk to me until it was time to leave. I was never allowed to have people over, or allowed to go to sleepovers. I picked up a habit of disliking people.
I see the friends laughing and having fun on the beach, having coffee at a café together. I long for that. I see them and hate them. They annoy me, because I'm not that way. There is something missing deep inside of me. I'm incomplete. I am 22. I want to be going to concerts, lakes, parties, school. I just can't. At concerts I stand still watching others having fun, I feel so disconnected. How do they do that? Dance and laugh and love their lives. Why can't I?
To top everything off I have gone straight from my mom, to my controlling boyfriend. I didn't want to live with him for this reason. The social life I could and should be having right now is drowning beneath his unwashed socks, dirty dishes, and guilt trips about talking to the only "friends" I have-online strangers. God forbid I talk to neighbors. Meanwhile we sit, alone, watching tv because he doesn't have any **** friends either.
If your tired of sitting around doing nothing but watch tv with your controlling boyfriend, here's my advice.... leave. I know it can be hard but you have to do what's right for you. Social anxiety interferes with your daily routine and life. You can start by searching for shelters in your town or city. Start packing your clothes and essentials. In the middle of the night leave and don't look back. Find a job and get out there. You can be something all you gotta do is believe. Hope I helped.
You're not broken, hon. You were raised in a controlling, ultra conservative environment (which in my opinion is some level of child abuse) and went from one controlling, sheltered environment to another because that's what you're used to. I know a little something about getting comfortable in the gutter because you're afraid the happier you get, the further you have to fall. Start to save up some money, enough to move out of your boyfriend's. Then go. Start joining peer groups for things you like online and locally. Online friends can become real life friends if they live close enough. I know the way you've lived all your life probably makes you feel unworthy of friendship or love, but that is entirely untrue. And if you fall into a group of friends that turn out to be bad friends, leave and find better ones. You deserve so much more
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If you want to try to socialize more see if you can join any groups, crafts groups, walking groups, read in books, whatever interests go. They are usually a small number of people, some going through the same things you are, that can help you be able to come out of the shell that you have. If your boyfriend won't even let you join the group then you need to leave, that is an extremely unhealthy relationship, and deserve so much more.
I'm going to tell you this, I am an introvert. Socially awkward a bit but suffer from no known mental illness or disorder. And I am in my 20s with little to know true friends. Sometimes it's not you, it's your environment and the people around you. Eventually we will connect with people that are amazing and get us. Just hang in there. You'll never alone.