I was sexual abused as a child, which led to unhealthy sexual relationships as an alcoholic teen, and now being in a 7yr relationship his sexual satisfaction with me seems to be declining. I rarely ever (like 1-3 times a yr) drink now. If I do it may be half glass of wine or a beer/wine cooler.
How has my childhood trauma effected my longer term ability to have a healthy sexual relationship with my fiance?
RAINN.org is an excellent organization that I would highly recommend you reach out to. It is a free organization that helps find therapy and counseling in your area.
@CKBlossom Thank you so much!!!
CSA is so assaulting on so many levels as it began by a violation of trust and a violation against your will. When this happens at a young age it can take a lifetime of filtering through the pain of the past and facing the ugliness of the violation of trust to begin to carve out a healthy pathway.
The first and foremost thing I would recommend, if you haven't already done so is to communicate well with your partner to ensure he can try to understand where your vulnerabilities are and the fact that while the abuse has ended, it still has ramifications into the future of filtering and trying to maintain a healthy relationship.
By the grace of God, I was able to forgive, let go and let God take over my pain of the past and begin to teach me through HIs word how to experience healthy love and respect and honor. It was through forgiveness though where the true freedom came from my abuser. I forgave, not because he deserved it, but because it released me from the prison of pain and the mental abuse I was still living in inside my brain. I hope you find some peace in your journey, my best advice is to be totally transparent with your partner and talk about clear expectations from both of you, it will save you a lot of frustrations.
@RoseyViolet I was 7 when it happened for maybe a year. Went to court and therapy for it when I was 10 and got no justice. When I got to HS, I came to terms with being able to say that it happened. But there was never any real healing process from it. My s/o is completely aware of this incident. He has used it against me on several occasions, saying “supposedly raped” to support his perspective on why I had a lot of partners throughout my teenage years-21. Then says I should have no problem being completely submissive to him in whatever way he likes if I love him. If I say I dont like something, he says its because I dont care about want he wants, I let any previous partners have a game up on him (which still isnt the case). We’re intimate in one way or another at least 3 times a day, so it’s not like I hold out from him. From what he tells me, its seems his point of view is I like to play “the white card: playing victim” (Im bi-racial). I’m praying that when we start couples therapy a neutral party will help him understand. Because he also acts like all the things women involuntarily experience with our bodies, biochemically and mentally, doesn’t take matter in any part of life.
Oy... CSA is VERY complex and typically will have the life events thereafter as fairly common as the search and need for understanding, love and acceptance gets muddled in the process. I'm no expert, but when you find "the ONE", there won't be any red flags and using your abuse against you to fulfill personal needs. True love, true covenant love is patient, it is kind, it is not self serving, it doesn't boast or put their own needs above yours. Have you ever considered that he's not really "the ONE"?
My fiance at the time learned of all the CSA at the hands of my father, was patient to listen even though he was seething inside that a father could do such a thing and not protect their daughters. He's the one who suggested that I forgive him, FULLY and completely. I knew he was the one for life when I realized that I loved everything about him, the good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between, and that I wanted to spend every single day being the best person I could be to support and love him as his wife. I had heard others say, when asking how you know that you know he's the one, say, "You'll just KNOW!" I totally got it after meeting him. I knew in my spirit, my heart, my soul that he was the IT I was looking for. I pray that you are able to find a common ground with your loved one, I pray that he doesn't use your past as a weapon against you as this too is abusive. You deserve to be cherished and nurtured by love. Praying my friend!!!
@RoseyViolet Im so sorry to hear that. To be completely honest, I think I had my true ONE already. He showered me with more love than I knew what to do with. We were separated talking about getting engaged at one point, until he grew distant. He ended up passing away from cancer, didnt want me to know and bare the pain of watching him go through it.
So here we are now two people, came together half full, engaged with two kids - we’ve put each other through a lot of love and pain. My now s/o nurtures me after I express the pain that he causes me. I just feel like we need a break to reset and find our whole selves but “his motto is keep moving forward” he doesnt believe in looking back to old people (so he says).