I can't deal with this anymore. I can't imagine another 50 odd years living this way. I wish I was not here anymore! I feel so fat, I'm such a pig. I can't control myself. My heart is beating a million miles an hour, it cannot cope with my b/p, i feel sick at the thought of never being free. How can I continue this way?? Maybe it would be easier for everyone if I was no longer here!
OMG lace, that just isn't true!!!!!! I understand feeling that way to an extent and I think I understand about hating yourself because I was kicked around by my husband so much. I truly didn't even know who I was anymore. I literally forgot what color my hair was because he just beat the will out of me and I got "lost".
I don't know if that feels anyway similar to how having an eating disorder feels, but I just want you to know I care.
I can see you've been here for a while. Can you tell me about you? I would like to get to know you ok? Then maybe we can work our way through this today and tomorrow will feel a little better OK? Let's just talk for a while.
Sending hopeful hugs, Suzee
Thanks suzee. I appreciate your post. Really needed someone right now. I'm really sorry what you went through with your husband. I watched my mum get physically abused by partners for many years when I was younger and I too got the brunt of their anger occasionally so I know how you feel to an extent. It completely knocks your self worth.
I have had an eating disorder now for 15 years, mainly anorexia but I go through bulimia quite a bit. I hate it yet in some ways its my companion. I hate the feeling of being lonely, and food comforts me. But after a binge I feel so low, like now. It's like a fair ground ride, one minute you're on a complete high the next you're at rock bottom where you were before the binge. I've kept myself really busy this week caring for a friend, but tonight I have been on my own and I am awful on my own, I really don't like it. It's something that I try to avoid as much as possible, I don't like the thoughts that I have when I'm on my own!!
Thank you Lace for talking about things. Tell me about your friend! Is your friend sick? I can understand doing better when you are busy. Heck I think that's true of alot of things I'm guessing.
Do you remember how your ED started? Do you see a councelor? I have a horrible self image and I do think it's hard. I'm not going to lie, I've spent times not eating. I've noticed some strange things in my thinking that I've never noticed before like thinking something really bad about a certain food on my plate and not being able to eat it then??? LOL Maybe I'm just weird!! But I've wondered if it's an unconcious way of trying to control things when so many things in my life feel so huge and uncontrollable??
I'm still here sending you big hugs, Suzee
My friend is sick, yes. She's in pain a lot of the time so can't do much. I do her cooking and cleaning to help her out.
Me ED started when i was 13, 15 years ago. I was raped by my brothers friend. I've kept it bottled up inside me and to this date only 2 people know about it, and that's only in the last couple of years that I have told them. I feel so disgusting, so dirty, so worthless!
I feel my life will never move forward, I fear being stuck here forever, stuck inside my head, in my past, ED thoughts ruling my life.. I'm too scared to deal with the past. Too afraid of picking the phone up to get help. I've been seeing an ED specialist, but my treatment has come to an end. I'm not better by a long shot, but I've reached the end of my quota of sessions that I was given!! I guess now I'm on my own!!
Well you're not alone because we are here with you!!!! I think regular counceling may be helpful for us both! I've responded on your other thread with the amazing Puppy and I think she has a great idea that we let go and relax and revisit making those appointments next week!!
I am so sorry for the abuse you've suffered!! You have such an amazing spirit whether you realize that or not!! I see you passed all of your exams and that's SOOOO AWESOME!!!! You really are an inspiration Lace!!!
Sending even more hugs, Suzee
Puppy has been a great help to me the last few weeks. I am eternally thankful to her for the support that she has given me. I am so thankful to you too suzee. Can I help you in anyway?
I just read your profile... 6 kids, wow. How many boys / girls do you have? I have 3 brothers, that sucked growing up, but we get on a little better these days!!
Thanks re: exams. Everyone else around me is so chuffed about my results. I just can't be proud of myself!