I haven't posted in a while. I've been sliding, even worse than I was. I've had a few drinks (which, even if in great moderation, is a big no-no with my condition), tried smoking again (only to curb the binging), and constantly think about death, pain, etc. I went to the city with my family and was a ****...crabby, irritable, just a ****. I really hate myself. I just took a shower and did nothing but think of ways to do it. I wouldn't really do it...I can't do that to my kids, but i think they don't like me (at least today). I'm a total the sky is falling kind of guy, so maybe things aren't that bad. But i just want to go numb...pot, alcohol, prescriptions, whatever. More than likely I will try one of my "All or nothing" exercise and eating things, it will fail, and I'll fall in deeper. I could really use some help on this one...
hi coachc good to have you back although it would be nice under other circumstances. i'm so sorry your going through so much. my mom and daughter suffer bipolar/depression. so i've been around first hand and watch them suffer with these illnesses. have you contacted your doctor as maybe your meds need some sweeking. i hope that your family members are educated in both bipolar/depression so that can help support you as best they can. there is also an organization called nami, you can check it out online at nami.org there may be a chapter near you. it has lots of info, resources and support for you and family and friends. i can tell you that being under the assumtion that you are on meds that it is not wise for you to drink although i really do understand why (recovering alcoholic myself) i can't comment on your ed as i don't have any first hand experience other than some of my friends here on the site. please continue to reach out and post on the site for support we're here for you.
I emailed nami. I will work hard to remember my blessings. I have been in a lot of pain. I just want it to get better. I hate the helplessness. Thank you so much for your kind words. Sometimes the kind words of an anonymous stranger that is familiar with the situation is the most comforting thing ever.
your most welcome hun, glad to hear you mailed nami…there is also a link where you can check to see where the nearest chapter to you is. and if your interested surf the site…so much info and it is an organization made of people with illness along with family and friends. we have a yearly walk here in houston to raise awareness of mental illness and its wonderful to get on with everyone. if you can get there it will be life changine. is your pain just emotional hun or are you haveing physical pain as well? meds to help? just wanting to support you as much as we can. you take care hun and have the best day you can and yes we do need to remember all the blessings we can but when you are in the throws of depression none of it matters via the illness god bless ya hun and let us know how your doing.
Hey coachc,
I am glad you reached out here. Sweetie there are no free or lesser costing therapy facilities in your area? I know you mentioned before that money was an issue but you sound to be in so much pain I completely understand it.
It may help if you apologise to your family for how you acted? They probably don't understand and just explain that it wasn't their fault at all, it would actually make you and them feel a thousand times better.
How are you feeling now? I know how depression can be and it can really wind you and leave you feel so unmotivated and angry. There is a way out of it, it's a long road, but don't give up hun, we are here for you.
i am worried about these thoughts of death and I would be lying if I said I wasn't. You are obviously in a very dark place, please keep talking to us about how you are feeling. I care for you and I just want to hear of you happy again and you can be happy again, believe me.
Please keep talking
Moongal x
I exercised and it was better. I started playing internet backgammon again. I went an entire summer doing that to pass time the last time I had a lasting depression. Like today, I didn't eat. My weight dropped, so it was good to me...then. Now I know that I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. I tried my hardest to be less irritable today with my family. It went better; the limited interaction I had with them was better. I should have apologized for the way I acted yesterday though. I am on spring break so my goal is to sleep more and treat my family better. As I said, it went better today, but I still fought to hold my tongue.
Hey Coachc,
Exercise is really good for, moderately taken that is, it is a good head clearer. And raises those natural happy hormones. I know and understand you are under so much pressure from food and weight and all of this and I completely understand how difficult it all is.
Writing really helps, list the reasons why you are angry, it really helps to see them listed and gets them out of your system, without your family being used as targets. Keep listing until your mind is absolutely exhausted of reasons...it is really revealling.
If you enjoy backgammon then there is no harm in it. But when you are doing something to desperately avoid food or bingeing, write down how you are feeling...are you bored, sad, happy, etc And try to not eat when you are feeling emotional...I know easier said than done right. But it's to try and break that emotional bond with food.
You can do this, it is difficult, but you can do it.
Keep up the good work, and try not beat yourself up about this ok, this is a very difficult illness you are going through, I realise there is a quick "high" from losing some weight quickly and that can be such a shove to stay with this BED and get stuck in this cycle of "oh if I can keep this up"...but this doesn't happen and it's actually mentally exhausting and quite depressing.
You are a good man and you deserve a great life, and by you getting that life, you can also pass it on to your family, now that is win/win.
Keep talking hun
Moongal x
Thank you for the support. I binged again, but I ate some health food in the binge. I plan to exercise again tomorrow.
today is another new dy hun, we can start over at anytime, just easy on yourself, beating ourlselves up never su\erves a good purpose…i got faith in you!!!
Thanks, Kathy. Today was better despite not working out. Sometimes the highs and lows are day to day, even in a depressive (or manic) state. I hope tomorrow continues to be on the upswing. Thanks so much for your support.
hey hun thats what we are here for. i go understand the ughs of highs and lows…myself been lots of lows these day but we gotta keep on trucking don’t we. your such a sweetie i do hoe you keep posting and let us know how your doing hun. here’s to a better tomorrow cheers!!!
Thanks. I had a good workout today, but ate a lot. Feeling better, but a tad testy late. I'm feeling a bit pressured about my work (I HATE GRADING ESSAYS) because spring break is ending soon, I have a lot of work to do, and I'm going to celebrate Easter with my family. A lot to do in just a few days. Still, I AM feeling better than just a week ago. I guess sleep and more down time really helped.
excellent news coach, and you can be testy with us here anytime. it is awful though isn’t it that testy feeling. our emotions can be tough to handle sometimes…even what self control we have goes out the window so i do understand. i had myself a little emotional meltdown this morning so your not alone hun. so we are a teacher to, wow. what subject to we teach english? i just figured english because essay/english…i do hope you enjoy your easter. anything special planned? remember when you get back to work, pace yourself hun, don’t want to get to that overwhelmed feeling as often as that can lead us to do things that are not good for us.