I wrote something really long and personal but of course SG

I wrote something really long and personal but of course SG had to be extremely stupid and its somehow gone. Shout out to you SG! LETS TRY THIS AGAIN. Possible ***trigger warning*** Okay so this yr in general I've pretty much have had frequent suicidal thoughts. No one even knows really about them, haven't told my dad, brother, maybe a couple 'online acquaintances' but that's it. Anyways today has to be the worst as far as suicidal intentions go. I was supposed to have somewhat of an entertaining/busy day but since something didn't work in my favor, of course for me that's where the domino effect happens. I really wish I had the guts to kill myself, its too bad I'm a coward. I just don't believe in it. But I entertain the thought of dying....and me putting myself down and saying mean things out loud about myself just makes me wish more and more. Whats the point in life anyways? To experience events that cause pain and suffering? I think about all the stuff going on in the world, all the messed up **** in society and I don't want to live in a world like this. I've felt this way for a few yrs but after my mom died...honestly I think anything that was left inside of me as far as my spirit goes, it died too. I feel like a zombie. Not like flesh eating lol but as far as slow pacing and no emotions on my face really unless I start crying again. My dads at home, watching Fargo with his disgusting gf and hasn't checked on me once. That's the worst part, he knew my plans today. He always wants me to spend the night but it seems like all he cares about anymore is his gf or friends. Seriously over this life. And SG if this doesn't go through you should seriously reconsider this websites setup. Because I'm sorry but, SLACK. Everyone copy and paste before they post, they just did it again but luckily I backed it up first. Ridiculous.

This post wasn't as good as my original :( another let down.

oh hugs jb (can I call you that to shorten your name?)
I didn't know you felt that way.
I hope you can feel encouraged and supported here....you're "my" sonoma pj talk buddy and other fun topics about different things! I'm sorry you're feeling that much emotional pain. I hope you feel comfortable to share here or with people in your personal life "in person" to get some help...I'm here and care about everyone here. I'll even make a cheer if I need to like I do for another user here who gets kick out of them.

@TennisPlayer That was nice to read, I mean it made me cry lol but thank you. Yea its pretty unfortunate how much hate I have for myself at almost 25. I wouldn't even know what to do though as far as getting help. Yrs ago I went to therapist, not depression related for something else and when he asked things like 'do you have suicidal thoughts?' I said no. Any doctor or paper work I've ever filled out I've lied on it...I'm too stupid to figure out to take care of myself. I'm weak on the inside, and very stubborn.