If you have a son in a different country, is it ok to keep your present family a secret?

I've been with my fiance for over 2 years, from day one he told me he had a son in mexico and divorced. The thing is that he hasn't seen him in over 4 years and we now have a 1 1/2 year old daughter plus my 4 year old from a previous marriage and plan to marry soon but he still hasn't told his ex or son about us. I feel very unnerved about this he speaks to his son and his ex every now and then, never around me. He keeps in contact through e mails with her he says he doesn't want to tell his son about his new family because he doesn't want to hurt him but by doing so I'm feeling hurt because he's not being honest about us. He could be giving his son false hope of one day getting back to Mexico to be a family again. I need input please this is nagging at me everyday now more and more

Hello there! Thank you for being here and for sharing with us. I can understand why you are feeling so unnerved as your relationship should happily be out in the open, most especially with his ex who can explain everything to his son. And, then you can slowly start to talk to him on the phone when your fiance does. I believe that marriage should start on a solid foundation, which includes honesty.

Have you ever confronted him about this and told him how it makes you feel?

Pups correct, & your feelings are very justified. Your boyfriend should take care of this now before it creates further deception for everyone surrounding the situation. I'd advise for him to keep it age appropriate since his other child is 4 & he should not keep his child full of false HOPE but rather start opening that door to healing.

You'd mentioned hes not good at communicating OR is it empathy???????

My heart goes out to you, your in a tough position.

All my strengths.

April

This has been an issue for.the past two years. I've asked him to at least let her know but he says its more complicated thanthat or just gives me some excuse of how I don't realise how big the situation is. This has got me down now because now that this comes up he just gets defensive and angry he says it has nothing to do with me and that I shouldn't worry about it because its his deal. He use to always have his email on his phone, now he doesnt, a couple months ago I found out he was on the phone with her for almost 2 hours, I confronted him but he says he was talking to his son and her dad too, I just don't know what happens because I'm never there and he never talks about it. His son is 9 now, he's a smart little boy and I personally think he should tell him now rather than later, if he keeps waiting I'm afraid his son will resent him for not having told him from the beginning

Well, first and foremost, when you're in a relationship and most especially heading down the path of marriage, there really shouldn't be anymore of "this is MY deal". It's not about you or me, it's really all about WE. And, he needs to completely be open and honest with you about what's going on, because this effects you and he needs to respect that. Your relationship should be celebrated with everyone in his life and yours, and there shouldn't be secrets in any way shape or form. Know that starting a marriage with a faulty foundation is only going to lead to bigger issues down the road. This won't go away, but will only get tougher. He needs to really work on this for the two of you and I would let him know that. I am really sorry that you're going through this, but I would say that it has to be worked through before you say "I do".

I agree with everything you have said. And I've let him know that this is a WE and not a you, me on the side and then we. But he keeps giving me this talk on how he has his things that he needs to deal with. There's just no way for me to make him realize this, he always just turns this around on me, I've talked to his mom about it too but all she could tell me was not to worry about it, he just doesn't want to hurt his son. Now he's telling his family that he plans to go to Mexico this year but he hasn't mentioned it to me until yesterday when we where talking about this situation and I brought this out. He plans to go by himself to Mexico to his ex house with her parents so he can tell his son and them about us while I and the kids just stay here. What do I do?!

What hes doing is wrong & he gets defensive & angry because hes hinding so much from both parties & backing himself into a corner, what he fears, he creates. Usually one does this because they did not learn/teach themselves how to handle certain situations previously & continue them into another relationship. Would be wise to focus a bit on you & your families future & well being quietly if he cant start being honest w/everyone, not just give you his version of HALF of the story. As Pup said "Strong Foundation", this involves everyone, not just him, I know you love him but you have alot to consider & should be going w/him to Mexico if theres nothing to hide then he will be an OPEN WINDOW, if not, talk it through w/us here, cause this should not be swept under the rug. You are worth it & so is your family, dont be the low person on the totem pole.

April

Thanks for that both of you, this has been something that has been swept under the rug for.over 2 years now and enough is enough not a day goes by where I don't think of this now. It's nagging at me and I'm getting more insecure than ever. He has always said that he's changed so much that he's fully dedicated, and don't get me wrong he's great as a provider, but emotionally like a father and understanding not quite. I really wish he would just realize how much this is hurting me, and our family, really at this point my family is about to crumble under my feet.

Thats alot of times HOW women get STUCK cause someone is a great provider but ACTIONS speak the loudest. Women want to truly believe & then sit in the situation EMPTY & powerless due to their own fears of their life & families well being when REALLY its like a RAT in a CAGE (just my experience) & the other partner is going off living life doing their own thing while the other partner is DROWNING w/what coming down the pike & no one is listening, then it becomes an obsession to convince them & they continue to get angry, frustrated & detach further from everything. There are no quick fixes/answers for this situation while he continues to ignore it & go off to Mexico to spend time with his OTHER family, almost sounds like he burning the candle at both ends like alot of people have done before.

UGH...........

That is exactly how I.feel, wow it was spot on. I've lost what I was, what I wanted, what I aspired to do, I've lost it all thinking I could make this my life now, thinking he wasn't that bad, that our situation isn't that bad. He keeps telling me that its him who is trying the most, him who is twisting his sadness him who is.sacrificing so much more here, its always a HIM thing and hardly a we. I just can't seem to find the words to open his eyes to this. Last night he didn't come home, I haven't heard from him since yesterday morning,I wrote it down on that journal thing. I wish there was more support around me, like people I could go out with and get my mind off of things, I'm sure he spent the night at friends house ,past out after having a.blast drinking the night away

Exactly, we as wome do this all the time to ourselves then we feel hurt by what we chose instead of learning another way for ourselves to begin with, then we start cranking out children (excuse the way I said that) & placing our lives on HOLD even further. I personally cant go back BUT I can forward & will not enable/co-dependent a partner ever again in my life. Your young, you have a fighting chance if your not too afraid to take it if he continues to ignore you & your childrens emotional well being.

Yea I guess you're right, our daughter, when I first found out I was pregnant, I had convinced myself that I was not going to have her, sad I know sorry, but I was so scared that this exact thing would happen, that I would get stuck with nothing else other than 2 kids to take care of on my own. He begged , pleaded on his knees and cried to me to have her, said he would never fail me, said he'd take care of her if I couldn't said he'd always be there, and I gave in.but as soon as I could I got the 10 year birth control, he didn't want me getting it, he said he wanted more children, I got it anyways, there is just no way ill have more kids at least not now thank you. I'm really starting to think of breaking this off now, but I'm so scared of what will happen, if I work I'm sure ill bearly make enough just to pay for babysitting! And transportation? What then? And another thing, I don't want him to leave me here, this is friends house not mine, and the couple her are just such a bad influence, they yell, scream obscenities to eachother , fist fights, drag eachother wow its so unnerving, and their two kids are just such bad examples for own kids, I would feel so embarrassed if they all realized I was abandoned here by him after only 2 months of being here, I don't even talk to them!

Excellant decision birth control, sounds like he has more then enough kids. Dont be scared honey, do you have access to any bank accounts? or other finances?

April (mom of 2 sons 18 & 26, raised them by myself)

Hidden, I getting off site for tonight, I'll check in with you tomorrow am starting to feel like a ping pong ball, so try to not speak w/him yet until you can think some things through first as your too overwhelmed & dont want to hurt yourself further.

Love April

O April I already told him.everything over texts. I told him that all of this has just hurt me so much, his actions the way he's thought of just himself instead of us as a family how he's kept us a secret for so long. I told him I don't want this anymore I just can't take it. I remember that at the beginning of our relationship he told me how kind , honest, humble and great his ex was, how they hardly ever fought how great and humble her whole family where even if they where filthy rich. And you know what April, the reason were living in this stupid room is because we where sharing a house with his aunt, that lady was nuts, his mom and sister told me to watch out, on night things got heated between me and her,I was so angry at what she was yelling at me, she threw my Christmas decorations to the floor and said that the educated and better one was his ex! I threw corn over her ,she turned on me and got into a fist fight on the floor. I let him know everything that was said because it was all her fault, he believed me of course and let her know that he was sticking by me, she said she didn't want me here so he said we'd all leave, the next day we.moved out.

You cant battle everybody so dont ever let others play on any insecurities so you can FOCUS on you & your kids for your next step of action. After everything you'd texted to him I presume you two have spoken face to face since the text so let things sink in for him & as others mentioned on other post DO let him know how serious you are WITHOUT running into the street & being homeless, which you already have.

Does he strictly work on a cash basis? If you have access you need to stay focused & start backing yourself QUIETLY, without anyone knowing. Whereas I dont want to add more deception to an already deceptive situation sometimes people need to take other measures.

Is there a way of going to a friends place if necessary?

I read your other posts, your too upset and will act on impulse thats too risky right now, You need to get everybody off your back & out of your business & keep things between you & him......TAKE A BREATHE.....

YOU did not create this problem, HE DID, so quit putting this on yourself by saying your breaking up anyones family (read that on your other post) your young & letting this work you way to hard, so pull back a bit so you can think.

No April we haven't spoken since then, he never tested me back and hasn't come home still, I was up at 3 in the morning and texted him that maybe we should drop the kids off at his moms so we can put things in order its now I think like almost 2, I had to leave the house I'm in pasadena now just trying to do anything to get my mind off of this.but its not working, I took the kids to the park, the stores and now Target for some toys my oldest has been asking for daddy ever since this all started I keep telling him that he's at work, I took of my engagement ring, I'm in a rut I.feel terrible and ive hardly eaten since then.

I'm from San Diego originally now I'm 2,000 miles away other wise I could assist a bit. You've been up all night & taking care of kids so your energy & emotions arent going to help you later on to your ultimate goal as you'll probably breakdown & just cry & give in.....you've got to rest BEFORE you start communicating w/him otherwise it will just go into a circle/BLAME GAME & NOWHERE.

You need to speak to him CALMLY, w/a CLEAR head on you shoulders & present steps you'd like to take for a better relationship & living arrangements. You've already let him know what your feelings are on him staying out all the time & doing his own thing & about the family in Mexico, if you can let him know you must move somewhere else if affordable (I know the rents in CA.) THEN let him know you will no longer tolerate hearing or being COMPARED to the EX anylonger as that is only putting YOU on the defensive & rightfully so.

I did sleep but I woke many times and then around 2 and stayed awake till 5 then woke up again at 7, had a monster for breakfast and 2 chicken nuggets and 2 Apple slices for lunch. I don't think he's going to talk to me or come over today, again. I del like this isn't happening, this cNt be, I'm feeling empty now,like I'm not.really here