I'll try to tell my story in a way that makes sense, althoug

I'll try to tell my story in a way that makes sense, although I have a feeling it may be somewhat meandering...

I'm turning 40 this year, and have been struggling with ED for at least the past 5 years. I believe my issues are 80% psychological, and 20% physical. I've been prescribed Viagra, with some success when I do use it.

Before this current relationship with my (now) wife, I was single for several years and made do during those years with several different FWBs, who I would have sex with while nearly always drunk, or at least drinking. So I have to believe I developed some bad habits around sleeping with different people all the time, and sex being divorced from emotions/love. No one stayed the night, and the sex was always a standalone even (i.e. we didn't go out for drinks or dinner or something first. At the most, we might hang out at my place and drink together). Also, these encounters were always on my terms... i.e if i felt like sex I messaged someone, and if I didn't then I didn't (or declined if messaged). I masturbated a few times a week outside of the casual hookups. ED wasn't ever really an issue for me during these years, as sex was infrequent and with someone different, which I think helped, or if I did experience ED I just blamed it on the booze, and I didn't have to really ever address it with that person again if I didn't want to... I would just not message them for sex again.

I've been with my partner now for 5 years, and ED started being more of an issue a few months into the relationship. At first I blamed it on the usual things... wine, being tired, etc, but it eventually became impossible to ignore. When it would happen during sex I would get SO upset and angry at myself it would pull me completely out of the moment, and bring everything to a crashing halt. I'm very lucky to have a supportive partner who helped convince me to speak to a therapist about it, and I did. That was helpful in addressing the negative self-talk, and in time when ED happened I was able to 'ignore' it, for lack of a better term. I was able to have what i told myself was fulfilling sex doing other things. During this time my partner also helped me talk to my family dr about viagra, and he provided a prescription for 25mg tablets.

Fast forward a few years, and things have come to a bit of a head (pardon the pun). My partner has told me that she's unhappy with our sex life, and that every time we have sex she feels like we're flipping a coin to figure out if my penis will work. And then sex is always just about trying to navigate this issue without a plan, and it takes up way more space than it should. And when we do have sex and it does work, it's always very tenuous... if something goes wrong, or doesn't feel right, then boom, it's gone. Although I have pills, I've been hesitant to use them because in the back of my mind is always that fear that 'what if Viagra doesn't work?'... i tend to always look to the negative side of things.

My partner has some pretty significant sexual trauma in her past, including a boyfriend who blamed her for his inability to get an erection, and told her that she would never find someone who wanted her or liked her body. She has done a lot of work on her own trauma, but of course every time I think about having sex with her and not maintaining an erection, I'm terrified that she will feel all those negative things again. it is honestly terrifying. So I've found myself doing things like never initiating sex, or not letting myself enjoy other types of intimacy because they may lead to sex, and then what if we're having and I can't maintain an erection, and she then thinks that I'm not sexually attracted to her or don't want to have sex with her. Paradoxically, of course, my avoiding these kind of things has her feeling exactly the same way.

I've thought for a while that maybe I just have a low sex drive, but when I actually sit down and examine things, I think that most of my aversion to having sex stems from this whole ED thing... I don't want to have sex that makes my partner feel like I'm not turned on by her. I'm joining this group and writing out my story because I want to take ownership of this, and stop being a victim of it. I have an appointment with my Dr. to refill my Viagra prescription, ongoing couples therapy with my wife, and an upcoming appointment with a new therapist, a sexologist, to try to get underneath some of this stuff. The psychological stuff is really hard and scary, but i don't want to lose my wife because I was too scared to look after my own health.

Nice explanation of whats going on. IMHO accept that you have ED and talk to your wife honestly. Try to stop being scared of it or worrying about it. Keep that communication open. I know exactly how it feels to be frustrated by having ED all to well and trying to avoid the setup for failure. I've had bad ED over 20 years and I'm not even 50 years old yet. I haven't given up and would still love sex daily if the wife was into it as much as I am but usually it's 2 or 3 times a week. Ask your doctor for a script for 100mg Viagra and split them in half, thirds or quarters because my experience has been that 25mg is the same price as 100mg here in the US. Another tip is to try to eat it on an empty stomach, they say it doesn't matter but I call BS as it's always been more effective for me on an empty stomach. I've been buying generic Viagra and generic Cialis for many years through a Canadian online pharmacy for cheap. I've been able to get generic Cialis now through my local Florida pharmacy but don't know if you can get generic Viagra here still? Honestly I don't take the pills much anymore since being introduced to Trimix injections a few years ago by my urologist. Goes to work fast in about 5 minutes and easily lasts a couple hours allowing me to go multiple rounds if I want(yes please) until the medicine wears off. It's affordable and cost me $125 for about a years worth of medicine. Trimix is made at your local compounding pharmacy and is not a big pharmaceutical drug. Trimix takes away the psychological aspects of ED and just works basically in any situation regardless of my thoughts. Having an erection for longer then a sex session bothers a lot of guys that try injections but I don't mind. I've been able to lower the dosage before to have it only last about 45 minutes. Injections do take some schooling as it isn't as easy as popping a pill. Hardest things for rookies to do is figure out the right dosage and injecting it into the right spot. If it isn't injected into the cavernosa tubes it doesn't work.

@Bob1974 Thanks Bob, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.
Honestly reading the other posts in this group has already been helpful, as it’s a reminder that i’m not alone, and that really ED is not a special or unique thing happening to me.

My doctor did give me the 100mg viagra, and advised me to quarter it. I’ve had mixed success with 25mg at a time, and so may end up upping it to 50mg. Although, there have also been times where i’ve taken 25mg, and then was able to maintain an erection very shortly after (before it likely would have taken effect yet)… it’s almost like it gave me the confidence that it would happen anyway, which freed up some of the recursive negative thoughts.

Reading older posts can help a lot. There is another forum I use a lot called UroTalk.com and they have different ED sections there but it is a relatively newer smaller forum. Might be helpful to read posts there as well and ask questions if needed? I have had many failures using pills as there are many things that can effect an erection. Viagra was my go to pill as I felt erections were better/stronger with it. It seemed to me that over the years that Viagra became less and less effective and got to a point where everything had to be almost perfect only in one of 2 positions I like and felt like I had to hurry up and concentrate to get it done before I would loose my erection(this makes it difficult to try and please a woman). I know I'm not giving you news that you want to hear but feel like you could learn from some of my mistakes? Try taking the Viagra on an empty stomach and see if that makes a difference avoiding a heavy meal before taking it, try to avoid positions that you know will kill your erection. Try avoiding negative thoughts and distraction like the dog looking at you funny, kids knocking on the door, thoughts of your mother in law b*tching, work stress. Sometimes wearing a ring helps but it isn't fool proof and can be a little painful sometimes. If cost of the pills is a factor at all I can recommend who I use that probably works out to about 50 cents a pill for 100mg generic Viagra. HMU if I can help.

1 Heart

I appreciate your post and enjoy a mans take. You sound maybe a bit like my husband. We had great se. before and suddenly it’s gone. He has said the Blue Chew Viagra don’t work. Keeps saying he will go to dr. Not yet. I feel undesirable and unattractive. Why? Because he don’t try. He doesn’t even attempt and that hurts more than no sex. I hope counseling helps

@2220Angie your feelings are echoed by the millions of other women who have partners with ED. ED is traumatizing for a guy which just makes things worse. Your husband probably feels like it’s hopless since the Viagra isn’t working. Try to be as supportive as possible and don’t show any kind of negative attitude about it. He can’t help it. I’m sure he would love to be the stud he once was and is hurt by his loss of ability. Being mad about his ED is like being mad at a paraplegic guy because he can’t walk. Many things can attribute to ED like heart, blood pressure and depression medications. Diabetes is another bad one. Encourage him to see a urologist and if Viagra isn’t working so good(better eaten on an empty stomach) anymore than consider injections like Trimix(made at compounding pharmacies) or even implants like Coloplast Titan or AMS 700. A “good” urologist can be a lot more helpful than the family doctor when it comes to ED issues. I myself have been using trimix for about the past five years and love it. A guy with ED can still get off with BJs and HJs because they don’t require it to be rigid as you can focus more on the tugging manner with the hand or suction but may require a little more effort to get the job done.

Since original post is older I will address group...what dos FWBs stand for when talking about people?

Friends with benefits. As a friend without benefits told me.

Hey CM, I’m new to SG so just reviewing posts. Yours I can identify with. I’ve had ED for 20 years. Spent a small fortune on medication, supplements, therapy. Communicated with my wife and agreed to try marital aids, easier to discuss than sex toys. We tried many male devices. Sleeves, splints, strap ons. Found a wearable prosthesis developed for all forms of ED. It has changed our sex life. Willing to share experience. Stay Hopeful!