I'm 32 - Have had bulimia for 20 years, and I want to get over this monster now!

I am 32 years old, am very happily married, and have a 9 year old son & 17 year old stepson. No one in my family knows that I have bulimia, including my husband. I have been a master at hiding the disease, and could continue to do so forever, but it is taking its toll on my body now. My teeth have had a lot of work, my throat is always sore, mouth is sensitive to hot and cold, skin is dry, always dehydrated, moody and periods are sporadic - and those are just the things I KNOW about. The thing is, I'm very pretty, and look completely normal (not skinny or fat)on the outside, so no one even thinks that anything is wrong. I've held onto this beast of a monster for 20 years and I'm sick and tired of it! I don't want to "out" myself to my whole family, but I would like to start getting better. I obviously can't do it on my own, but at least I'm starting today by admitting it on here. I hope I can discuss things on here and get some good advice, so I can start to change my life. I just want to be normal on the INSIDE! I would be petrified to tell anyone about my disease, and don't even know where to start. I'm tired of living in this hell of an eating disorder. My body is screaming on the inside.

Hi crystal, and welcome to support groups. It is a good first step admitting your ED on the site, you will find lots of comfort offered from support members. However, as many will advise, beating an ED on your own is very difficult, we are not equipped to do so. Have you considered informing your doctor of your struggles?

I’ve been thinking about it, just in the last 2 days. I think that’s the next logical step for me. I’ve tried to stop many, many times since I was 12, and I can’t do it on my own. When stressful times arise (loss of a job, loss of my mother, wedding, etc) it triggers my disease yet again. I need to learn how to deal with my emotions and stress. I’m not sure if I should go to my primary doctor and discuss this, or seek out a professional in the correct field straight off. ???

I would visit your primary doctor first personally. Then he/she can give you some direction as to what to do next. It is definetly a scary subject to talk about, but very necessary ♥

what u need 2 do 2 get over bulimia, is afew thing,
1. tell some1 who u love and trust 2 support u, and explain 2 them that if u snap or shout at them, its just cause you r going throw a hard time, and that u still love them.
2. keep away from food, eat small proper meals.
3. always keep yourself busy with stuff u like doing. maybe have a bunch of good movies with u 4 distraction!
lots and lots of luck!!!!!!!!!

Well, I finally mustered up the strength to tell my husband last night. He was understanding, but obviously doesn't understand that it's a disease. I can't just "stop" by myself. I asked if he would be willing to come to an appointment with me during therapy, and he said he would. It's nice to finally not hide it anymore. One day at a time! I haven't had an episode yet today, and don't plan to. I'm just trying to eat much smaller meals. Before everything I eat I am asking myself, "Is this something I'm going to feel guilty about and throw up?" If not, I am okay to eat it, and in a small enough portion where I won't feel too full and want to purge. Ugh. This is tough! My 9 year old has to have surgery tomorrow morning, and my husband is at a new job interview right now as I'm writing this, and I'm stressing about both things really hard, so this is a trying time when I am being triggered. I WILL STAY STRONG!

I ended up purging after dinner last night, which infuriated me as I don't understand why. It was just soup. UGH. Today was MUCH better, I have not b/p all day long, and even had a great dinner of tempura and sushi. I usually b/p 5-6 times per day, so I am very very proud of myself today! Hubby has been supportive since I told him, which is wonderful. One day at a time...... I looked up an ED clinic in this area, that can help refer me to physicians, dietitians, and therapists. I can't wait to get my insurance card in the mail, and hopefully won't have a problem with the coverage. I'm ready to see a professional (or several) now.

welcome to support groups and thanks so for sharing...

love
maureen

crystal, welcome!
this is incredible, you have done so many things in only two days. **** your bulimia better be ready to get its butt kicked! well done!
i think it's great that you reached out on here and that you finally told your husband. taking away the secrecy of any ED is the first necessary step to overcome it. and i'm glad you're so enthusiastic about therapy.
keep up the good work and let us know how you get on :-)

love
maedi

Today is going well so far. Had a side salad & cucumber w/ hummus for breakfast. Trying to eat things that won't make me feel bad, and in the right proportions. I have found that feeling really full makes me want to instantly purge. If I eat smaller portions throughout the day, I think I'll be better off. Time to decorate the Christmas tree!! :)

good, think of that christmas tree! ha! agreat distraction from ED! i know christmas time helped me last year!

love
maureen

Good plan crystal, i too find the 'full' feeling triggers me wanting to purge.

yeah, feeling full is dreadful. problem is very often that we don't know when we're full, or at least when our body had realistically enough. but it's a learning process too, one step at a time, and i think you're doing amazingly well already. eating healthy things and not purging, wow!!

keep posting crystal!
love
maedi

Things are going pretty good over here. I've had a couple of instances where I've purged, but overall things are getting a lot better. I try to stay away from the foods that trigger me, and have not have alcohol since I started this post. I tend to overeat when I drink, so stopping alcohol really helped. Every day is a struggle, but I'm working on it!! :)

I am still struggling, and b/p at least once per day, sometimes twice. I mean, it's down from like 5 or 6 per day so I guess I'm doing better, but I swear my willpower sucks. :(

Dear crystaldoc78 ,
you did the 1st right step..you finally admitted that you need help.

I do not wanna tell you thousands of words, but you can read the book" The Monster within" for Cynthia Rowland.

This book gave me the power to stop vomitting, and fight my Bulimia.

Good Luck.

I'm 32 as well and had bulimia and anorexia for over 18 years now. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I have been hospitalized over 7 times in eating disorder treatment centers and can't seem to get better. I go in cycles from anorexia to bulimia. Right now I switch from anorexia for 5 days and bulimia for the other 2. I binge until I can't walk and then purge. I hate it. I lost all my teeth and had to pay $40,000 dollars for a whole set of new crowns. It has also caused me to have a heart attack, osteoporosis and numerous health issues that I will never recover from. I hope you are doing better as I noticed this was an older post. Just wanted to send you support!

Crystal -- Welcome to the site. You have a great attitude and I know you'll keep moving forward. One strategy that has helped me is to start by just reducing the b/p frequency which you are doing. Don't get down on yourself --just recommit immediately and move on. One of the worst aspects of any addiction is that it takes up so much space in your mind -- you begin to think that you can't do anything until you have recovered, or you are such a hopeless person because you've relapsed, etc. etc. Start off with an "imperfect" recovery and just get on with your life. BTW -- I've come to realize that purging is not just about getting rid of calories, it is also about relief from anxiety. So -- talk to your doctor about the possible need for meds to help you deal with the anxiety and get over the hump. Good luck and much love to you.

I agree with ladyannie's reply! I used to b/p every day after work for about 4 hours and on the weekends it would be about 8 hours. I would throw up easily over 50 times a day...even water. I have had my good spans and bad spans and I actually quit for two years, did it again for 3 months and recently got back into b/p about a month ago. BUT, I wrote myself a letter to MYSELF about how I felt before, during and after the b/p session so I could look back on it. I don't know about you, but it takes SO much energy and planning to have a b/p session. I'm exhausted and weak when done purging and I always ask myself "why"? I would much rather enjoy a small treat or snack and actually taste it. So much energy is wasted in b/p not to mention the money for food. And the clean up after? Ugh...

That is one way I have been able to reduce it from being a daily thing to maybe 2 days a week. I can only hope it doesn't progress into a daily thing but I will cross that bridge when it's time.
Hang in there and keep posting! Looks like you have made some wonderful progress and have great support on here! Love to you and hugs...