I'm confused... heart broken.... my heart is ripping apart

I'm confused... heart broken.... my heart is ripping apart. I know he is cheating on me, or at least trying to.... I am sure he has in the past and think he is looking to again. He mentally and emotionally abuses me everyday. I love him too much, don't know how to stop... also don't know how to make him leave without him getting physically abusive as he has done in the past. It is MY house he lives in. He puts me down daily.... I build him up daily. Anytime I say more then a few words, he says I am complaining or arguing.
I am addicted to him, he knows just what to say and do. He holds me close in bed every night so I can fall asleep. He is warm and smells good.
I am not allowed to go anywhere alone.... only to work. I have to have my cell phone on me at all times, because if he tries to call or message me and I don't answer right away, he accuses me of sleeping around, I never have. I love him, desire him, crave him. I am sick and need help. I need him out, I need to move on.... but I don't know how.
Why do I love him? He did all the right things when we first met..... then so slowly I didn't know what was happening, he was controlling me....
I found out almost a year after living with him that he was doing METH.... I put him in jail..... but stupid me gave him another chance a couple weeks after he got out. I had though he changed, he got a job, helped with a bit of money, then a few weeks ago came home high.... I told myself he had one slip in almost a year..... he wouldn't admit to being high, but sadly I know what to look for now..... Now I see he is looking for sex in trade for drugs on Craigslist.. I am afraid and alone.... don't know how to make him leave without being hurt.
I am so stupid.....

1 Heart

Hugs and support to you. Being here with us is a great first start. I think you have to be in a place where you are ready and have the support you feel will help you make the next step. You are stronger than you know. 211 might be a great resource for locating some local resources for you as well!

1 Heart

I am really sorry you have to deal with this *hugs* maybe its best to move on...

Hey my ex did the same thing and with the same addiction. I just woke up one day and said enough is enough I am no one's beating post. It hurts like hell and it's a constant work in progress but if he doesn't want help you can't help him. So help yourself.

3 Hearts

Don't give up I left 20 times and every time got a little easier. What helped me was having a exit plan. A safe place to go someone to trust. Now it was never easy the 20 or so times leaving. And yes would find MAny times. Yesterday was 2 years that i left. It took 3 months for him to find me but enough time to keep him out of my mind. At least time to get my head straight somewhat. I have no contact for ten months. Been really jumpy nervous. Im so reaching out to you your story is like ready my journal STAY STRONG AND YOU ARE NOT ALONE IM HERE :)

3 Hearts

It's as if someone wrote my feelings, more exactly than I could have myself. I am profoundly addicted to him. Just smelling him is like a tonic. In spite of all he does to me, I miss him like mad every time I try to leave. And he has no shame about anything either, including abusing me in my own home.

I can't give advice on how to get out of that, because I'm stuck in it too, but just a note to say you're not alone in these feelings, and you're not stupid. If your abuser is anything like mine, he is very skilled at what he does and has many years of experience. We were just unfortunate enough to meet people who are good at hurting other people.

That one other person has the same feelings as me gives me hope, because that means that lots of people have probably felt this way, and there must be some knowledge from their experience of how to break the cycle. My thoughts are with you.

1 Heart

To Lily 5 (my browser is not letting me use the reply button)
Thank you, Yes I am addicted to his smell, the feel of his hairy body, his skin, his breath, voice, touch. I am not sure I am strong enough.
He was put in jail last night for peeing dirty to METH, he doesn't know I know.... he also doesn't know I am the one who called his PO to have him tested. He came home from work Friday high... he tried to hide it all weekend thinking he did...but I knew. Now I have to get strong enough within the ten days he will be in there... to not let him come home.... But, sadly I do not trust myself. He called me twice last night...crying telling me he loves me, telling me he did something stupid, and is only good when he is with me. I asked if he was high...he said no. So more lies... he doesn't know I turned him in a month ago and yesterday. He had been doing well being clean for a year... got a job... treated me a bit better and then it all started to go to crap a month ago with some good days and some bad. I hate myself....

1 Heart

From Substance Abuse to Mental & Physical Abuse