I'm destroying my marriage

i don't know what to do anymore. how can you be in a loving relationship if you hate yourself?

my husband and i have had so many downs in the last few years (quite a lot of it due to my issues) and until last night there was at least a little sunshine.

i did have an absolutely horrible day but he was actually very supportive (which he hasn't been recently). then when it came to bed time and it being his birthday it all fell apart again. im not trying to be graphic here and i hope i won't insult anyone by posting this. but basically i could not sleep with him. it wouldn't be so bad generally but we haven't had any sex for ages because i hate my body so much and i simply don't want to feel anything.

i've no idea how to handle this, i always upset him like this but and i feel horrible for it but i simply can't be physical, not the way i look.

of course he was angry again. i felt pathetic and thought i deserve punishment so i cut again. now we're not talking and it's the most toxic environment for trying not to b/p. i don't think i can ever get over any of this and i will surely lose him.

what can i do, please help!

Do you speak to a professional about your ED?

wow---yes EDs can be so toxic to relationships as i almost lost my fiancee to ED. he gave me a choice ED or him? i chose him. and i got better. at first i didnt want to but then i did WANT to get better. i was tired of the self hate and the starving and the constant perfectionism. i wanted something else. ED is just plain misery.

so ive been in recovery almost a year. with one step became another and another and heck now im eating things i never could before. it can happen for you. it takes time , help, therapy ,support, love/freinds-- but most of all you have to want to be done with it. it has to come from inside of you..

i too still go through troubles during sex JUST LIKE YOU. ill say im too fat during sex( which is actually i just have a fear of sex) and ill get upset. then hell get mad and say you are not you are so thin! and then the cycle goes. im still in the stage of trying to like my body--well that part takes time but it is happening...
but i go through the same thing. nothing, i say nothing, is more of a turn off that a girl who hates herself and even the way she looks. it almost killed my relationship. totally. i saved it with therapy. im working on the body acceptance and although it is hard--it is working little by little . it takes time.

it is so hard ot love someone when you hate yourself . that is why you need help to turn that around totally.

love
maureen

I have the same problem. I have hang ups about myself and it gets worse when your husband has cheated on you like mine has. I really would like to interact with him in bed but for so many reasons I don't care too. He has tried to clean up his act but it is hard getting over it. I feel for you and hope that you are able to find away to move past what ever it is going on with you. If he is a good man he will understand.Always remember to work on yourself first.

Thank you all for your kind comments and understanding.

Yeah, it is all so difficult. Why cant we just accept that people love us the way we are, no matter what look or size?

Ive been in therapy back and forth and did an inpatient right before i moved in with my now hubby cause i knew i cant have both him and the ed. it went well for a while but the sex bit was never ideal. ad then my b/p got worse again and on top of that he started gambling (playing poker online) so we now have double pressure on our relationship. So i did tell him that we probably need some time apart to sort ourselves individually; when we try it together we always just end up yelling at each other.

and i hope that i get another inpatient treatment which would beat two flies: time and hopefully a start to recovery. i'm scared though that coming out of there he won't be there anymore. but i know right now i have to focus on myself getting better first, otherwise there is no chance for anything.

i'm really so so glad i found this site, wish more docs were aware of it and could recommend it. you are all truly amazing and i'm so grateful for all your help and support. checking on everyone here is my current lifeline!!

all have a lovely day please!

lots of love
maedi

Hey M !

It s hard , I know ... we all know !
My boyfriend is very supportive and sometimes he fights the war with ED instead of me ... when I am weak he stand up for me ! I love him so much for that !
But ED is such a life destroyer yeees ! I feel so ashamed of me being naked in front of him ... and sometimes while we make love I can only see how desguesting my belly is and how horrible my legs are ! I cant focus !! And he feels that ... men feel that !

He was my first bf ... and I made love to him for the first time after 1 year and almost 2 months because I was sooo sure he will dump me after he sees me naked ! I am sure ! 100% convinced that he ll think I m not attractive !

But he proved me wrong and his love made me start loving myself ! And little by little .. I m starting too !

He is the only support I have .... and you have a support too ! Your husband loves u ... and if u find the right words to tell him what really is on your mind , I am sure that he will be more confident too and he ll show u more care .... dont underestimate him , just ask for help !

It s hard to say outloud your mind ... but trust me you ll be better !

Mada

You ladies are amazing..I'm new to this sight and just reading what you share is like you put my words down for me..I have felt all these things for many years and have no clue why..Until things started to unfold..I found out that being raised in an abusive, alcoholic home did me no justice as I ended up in the same kinda of marriage for 17 years..Now, away from all kind of abuse and lost..Lost in the world of peace..Hard to imagine someone saying that but, it was a hard adjustment not being controlled or abused anymore..Now after 5 years I feel I'm on my way but, trying to rebuild myself is so difficult as I have all these behaviors now that I never had before..I have horrible anxiety, depression and struggle with bulimia for the past two years once the survival mode ceased ..It is amazing what I have been through and still keep going..I amaze myself some days but, other days I don't know how I will make it through the next moment..I think finding these support groups might be what I'm looking for because now I see someone out there actually understands me and relates to me..I"M NOT ALONE..

Need4peace-If I understand what you are saying…That is so difficult to be in peace, but no peace inside. Seriously, when all you know is how to live one way, that doesn’t go away just because you are out of it. I pray for you as you continue to build yourself…it is hard, but you are NOT ALONE!

When I read all these posts from people, I am always amazed at how strong we all are. We have gone through so much and we still keep going! We are all so amazing! It was not a coincidence that I found this site either…it is exactly what I need in my life right now!

Need4peace, you're definitely not alone, even if things mights seem that way everywhere else, we're her for you always!!
i know what you mean about feeling lost when things are actually good. we still seem to look for something wrong because we think we deserve total peace and happiness.

when will we finally realize that we are worth it??

welcome Need 4 peace--!!!! yes this site is soooo cool! for sure!

maedi---this site has sooo helped me over come my ED. ive been on here almost a year! NOW this is not saying this site alone is all the help you need --you really do need good therapy, good support, and people to help you ---or treatment---but with that and this site added ---it is awesome. i told my therapist about this site. who knows maybe shell pass it along--i hope? yes doctors should recommend this site!! thats a good idea...

it takes a long time to accept ourselves...it takes support, therapy, journaling, doing our 'homework' from therapy, love from others----but mostly it just takes time. but well get there--that i do beleive....

as far as your boyfriend being there for you----when you u come out of treatment---if he loves you he will. and if he doesnt ----then you have to think of yourself FIRST....and kind imagine him a butterfly--if he comes back to you---then he is a keeper....
but i think he will be there for you....

are you looking in for treatment?

love
maureen

yeah, i’ve been trying since last november to get any help at all but here in the UK they are very crap with that unless you have private healthcare. i was actually completely rejected any counselling, only referred to a group.
so i plan on going back to Germany for the time being which means i have to quit my job here in order to receive insurance over there (which scares me a lot as my colleagues are great support). once i have that sorted i gotta check myself in as acute and hopefully it’ll go from there.
i think it’s crazy that when we’r ealready in such a bad place mentally we gotta fight so hard to get help. it’s ridiculous!

and yeah, i do hope my hubby will stand by me, otherwise i haven’t really lost out, right?!

i’m glad you’re doing so well with your recovery, Maureen, keep it up!!
xx

Christa..Thanks for the welcome..I really love a place that I can share when needed..I have been in support groups and counseling for decades and it all has helped but, some days it just is not enough..I actually stumbled upon this web site when I was doing my research paper the other day for class..As my sponsor would tell me "there is no coincidences in life and everything happens in perfect timing according to Gods plan"..I believe in that with all my heart and soul but, some days I just want it all to go away and now..When I am still and reflect I can see the growth in myself and for that I am truly BLESSED..I have worked really hard and will never stop as there is always room to grow..**Blessing to all**

this site is a blessing–really with people on here i wished i knew from day to day living!!!

ive always said god lead me to this site----i dont even know how i found it…

blessings to you

maureen

wow - having been married i know all too well what you are going through. not only do you often NOT feel "in the mood" when you are bulimic or had a bad day b/p but the body issues are also an problem. morever, sometimes i was just plain moody and didn't want to be around my ex.

please try to have a talk with him today and explain what you are going through. if you have a therapist take him with you to an apt. and perhaps she can work with you all together.

try to make the situation better and make him feel important.

Q - do you have children? i have 2 and that is a whole other issue..

caroline

hey caroline, thanks for your tips.

luckily we don't have children yet, need to be able to take care of ourselves first :-)

i've tried to talk to him so often and even asked to see a counsellor together, i said i'd even consider sex therapy, but in the end he didn't wanna 'talk to a stranger about private stuff'!
in a way i can understand him of course. i mean we're married, we love each other, we should be having sex regularly and i should certainly enjoy it. but that's just not how it is.

i always try to tell him that i'm not happy being that 'frigid' either. of coursse i'd much rather be a confident and passionate woman that can please her husband and show how much she loves him. he thinks i don't mind not having sex and no matter how much i tall him how i feel, he just stays frustrated and angry. and probably hurt too.

so for me the only way to resolve things is really getting myself better, finding some self esteem and confidence. well, i wish myself good luck!! (sorry, i like being sarcastic)
we'll see how much longer either of us can hold on.

In my own experience, when I was at my lowest weight (and therfore should have felt amazing about my body), thats when I felt most insecure with my husband. I would be so concerned about what he was seeing that I could not enjoy myself. Since starting recovery and gaining a bunch of weight I'm actually so much more in-tune with my body and what makes me feel good. I enjoy sex so much more now, which for me is a sign of recovery. My husband was always concerned that I was too hard on myself and didn't know how to help me. Hes happy now haha.

It definitely takes honest conversations about how you are feeling. We all wrote a few weeks ago about how men prefer women with curves. Its so true and it might be something good to keep in mind. You should ask your husband to help you through this process because it will only bring you 2 closer together. Good luck.

thanks so much britta, it’s so good to hear those encouraging words!
love
maedi

maedi

brita is right ---men love curves--no they adore curves . we should also love our curves. it is a proven fact men love curves. they do not like skinny like we think. not at all. they are baffled why we want to be skinny. they do not get us...at all..

once we can accept ourselves and appreciate ourselves everything will fall into place. not that it is easy though. it takes time---and also not just to love our outside but love our inside as well. we all put such an unecessary ridiculous amount of time worrying what we look like--why cant we just enjoy being ourselves???? take some time out and be happy to be alive and stop focusing on the whole body image--looks....it is a refreshing thing once you can do that.......

try therapy--heck even sex therapy might help. i know it helps me---yes i get sex therapy----well i go to therapy in general but yes she also does sex therapy.LOL!!!!!

love
maureen

Maedi-I am so sorry for what you have to struggle with! It is so hard to want to feel anything when you hate yourself!

How have you been doing? Have you been able to discover some amazing things about you? It seems like we all need to find out who we really are, which is very difficult! I'm proud of you for posting your story! I hope you can feel that no matter what happens, you DON'T deserve any kind of punishment! Has anything changed for you? I send hugs and my prayers your way! You are a great person and I love having your support! I hope I can be a support in return!

We are alike .... I am also trying to get accepted to a german clinic in Münster ...

I know a collegue who works in the same company . the branch in Germany - and was hospitalized for 6 months but now she s brand new !!

I wish u luck witrh this ... maybe it s for the best that for a while u take a break from everything ... and let the docs take care of u and help u get on your feet !