I'm feeling overwhelmed. My story is a little complicated. I

I'm feeling overwhelmed. My story is a little complicated. In 2015 I met someone who became my boyfriend. We dated for 5 years on and off. It was a complicated and toxic relationship. We stopped talking for 2 years. And I've noticed that he has changed a lot. He's doing a lot more than he used to.

Within that time, he never video chatted me and he never would send me pictures when I would ask. Only when he wanted to. And although he never video chatted me people felt like I should be happy that I was getting pictures from him.

Unfortunately, with the whole catfish situation that was on tv, and with a comment that he made when he was starting to talk to me for the first time, I felt like there was a chance that I was being catfished.

For years I caught a lot of things that he said that did not make sense and did not match up with what he said. And then this year he ended up telling me that the person in the photos is not actually him, and that it's actually a friend that he knew.

On top of that he also came out as bisexual and now he's telling me he wants to transition. He told me that he knew for a long time that he wanted to transition. But he can't put a time frame to it. But when he told me the reason he wanted to transition was because he felt like women have it easier in life than he had right now, I felt like that was a cop out. Because I don't think women have it easier.

To be clear, I don't care if he wants to transition; however, for years I imagine meeting this person and seeing who they actually were. And then to find out that he's not actually who he said he was I want to find out even more. But I'm also concerned that he's going to regret transitioning because he's basing it on an impulsive decision. I personally don't think transitioning because you think women have it easier is a good reason to transition, and knowing him he would be miserable if he made a mistake because he was trying to escape the problems in his life rather than dealing with it.

I don't know how to feel because I am queer. I'm newly queer. I do like women and I have intimate dreams of women a lot which is why I ended up coming out as queer about a year and a half to two years ago. But I am attracted to masculine people mostly, regardless of if they're women or men. And I don't know how to feel. There's a lot going on at the moment in my head.

And the reason why I bring up my Attraction part is because I still have major feelings for him, and finding out that he isn't who he said he was all these years is kind of heartbreaking. That's heartbreaking because every time I think about the memories that I made with him I feel like I don't know who he really is and these daydreams that I had of when we finally met are shattered because the person who I'm thinking about isn't him. And then the fact that he's transitioning is huge because I don't know what that means for me. I will never get to know who he really is before he transitions. And I don't really know how I feel being with someone who transitions.

If he wants to be transgendered I'm happy for him. But at the same time I'm going to admit it and I'm going to be selfish and say that I'm not ready for whoever he is to transition. I wanted to meet him and he doesn't want to meet me until he's transitioned. And I feel like I'm going to miss the opportunity to meet the person that I was in love with for years. The man. And it's not about him being a man. It's just that I had this idea in my head of who he is and now he's not who he is. Or he's not going to be who I think he is. But also I don't want him transitioning because he's making an impulsive decision. I don't want him to regret it.
And I'm sure there's going to be people on here who are going to jump down my throat because of my thoughts but I'm a human being for crying out loud who doesn't know how to feel right now and I'm really confused. I'm really heartbroken and I feel like I'm losing someone that I love I feel like I lost someone that I love and I'm angry that I was lied to for all these years. I feel like I was a beard and I just don't know how to feel.
I just want to know if anybody else was in the same situation before and how did you deal with it. I don't want to be put down because my feelings are my feelings. So please if you have nothing helpful to say please don't say it.

2 Hearts

Is it possible you were not a beard, but just that he didn't know back then? What is concerning more than anything is whether they lied to you? To me honesty seems more important in a relationship than the changes people go through or don't. Although changes can be a factor over time. Like for example, when I was with my high school sweet heart, decades ago, we dated for years. Then I went to college and my life changed so much it seemed it was best to break up. So yes changes can be hugely impacting. And it is good you came for support about this issue either way because of the fact you were close so it has to be rather jarring for you.

@Scat thank you for responding kindly. I’m honestly afraid to post how I feel anymore just because I feel like whenever I post I always get people criticizing me for the way that I feel. So, I appreciate that you didn’t react that way. At the time that I wrote this I was feeling very overwhelmed. And yes as you mentioned, I should be more concerned with the fact that he lied. I ended up parting ways with him (and I say him because he said right now he doesn’t want to be referred to as other pronouns because he just wants me to treat him as I always have until he’s changed) because I couldn’t hear anything that he said without thinking that it was a lie due to the fact that he lied to me for 5 years and that he wasn’t who he told me he was.

My mental health wasn’t the best

Something that I struggle with a lot is not being bitter about what somebody did to me and not wanting revenge for it. I don’t know if anyone else has felt that way but if you have, please tell me what you did to fix this.

I completely understand about feeling someone lied to you and that you cannot trust them. My ex always lied. He lied for no reason and stupid reasons. So I'm wondering why you think was his reasons for lying? Is it possible he was basically lying to himself about his own issues. I think anyone is capable of doing that, sadly. I'm a very honest person and caught myself lying to myself about stuff. It is very jarring to see that in oneself. But anyhow if you feel you can't trust a person, no matter how you've tried to regain trust, or worse if the person doesn't want to regain it, that can make it impossible to find a closeness with that person because there is always questions. The questions can be overwhelming and make ones life miserable. I went through that because my ex just wanted to lie. He'd lie for literally no reason. And of course for larger reasons. It didn't matter why because basically he was a liar. But some people lie for other reasons, like to spare the other person pain or sometimes out of shame. : ( I guess it boiled down to the fact you just couldn't stay knowing they lied. That was a difficult decision no one else has the right to judge. And I feel for you because either way you both have lost something.

1 Heart

@Scat So, my ex told me that the reason that the original reason he didn’t show me who he was is that he assumed, and is still afraid, that I would be a vindictive person and ddos him; I don’t know if you’re familiar with that term, but in the online gaming community it means to get all your personal information and put it out there online (I’m pretty sure it’s the same thing as doxing) and spreading his information around for him to be harassed. Now, I’m not a vindictive person. I never have been while I was with him nor even now, but he was part of a toxic online community that would do that. Now, that I sit here and type this, I remember instances where people found out where he lived and they were hinting at it in front of me. But I wanted to believe that he was being a genuine person, and I believed him when he would tell them that he had a VPN to hide his location. I also remember all of the hackers that he had to put up with, including myself because people are so childish online and lack emotional maturity, that they would hit our internet offline.

He also had an ex that kept trying to come to see him and dropped by unannounced one time which caused a lot of issues. So, he says.

And this is what I deal with now: out of everything he said, what was the truth? This is where two years later, he admits that he was using his friend’s photos because he was scared and insecure, but that everything that he ever opened up about was real. This, during a conversation recently, and before I decided to stop talking to him again because of my mental health being affected by all of this, seemed consistent with things that he told me in the past.

Anyways, long story short, I wanted to believe that he was telling the truth because I thought I was overanalyzing due to all my research on what unhealthy relationships were. I had never been in a relationship before him, and because I didn’t have the best role model relationship to base it on, I thought that I couldn’t trust myself. I thought I was just being paranoid and insecure because I was already insecure and felt like I was sabotaging myself because of my insecurities.

The other thing that I’m dealing with is that every time I find resources then and even now that could have helped me with this reconnected meeting–resources that may help me with how I communicate, to control my anger, my insecurities, and so on–I just feel like I jumped the gun and ran away like I was always doing in the relationship, and I want to return (Every time I would make a mistake and hurt him during the time we were dating, I would feel extremely horrible and guilty and I would want to end things because I didn’t like that I hurt him. I would ask him if he would want to end things, and when he didn’t want to, I would end things for us because I didn’t think that he knew what was best for us, only to come back a few days later because I found resources that I thought might be able to help us work things out).

But then I remember that I was catfished and I stop crying about the relationship and I tell myself to move on because the person I loved in the pictures probably doesn’t have the good things about my ex’s personality that I liked, and the personality parts that I did like have no clear face to them.

Sorry for the rant. ^_^‘’