I'm feeling trapped, supposed to visit my family for 2 weeks. I havent even boarded the plane yet, I'm already crying. It's hard to guess what they're thinking, and it always becomes a really big gaslight that I am the one who is misunderstanding, miscommunicating, and am the "problem" child who adds stress to everyone because they love me SO MUCH, and all they want is for me to be HAPPY. I deeply regret making the visit 2 weeks, it should have been 2 days. Example: my sister texts me that her boyfriend offered to pick me up, and if I just want it to be the 3 of us. I told her I think he's lovely, and have no problem with him being there, but he will be driving for 4 hours if he does that, and it's 4$ for me to take the subway. So then my sister does this thing where she texts "ok sounds good." after I've written a huge paragraph. And sometimes it means what she wrote, and other times it's her so angry that she's passive aggressively checking out like I'm too much to put up with and not worth a normal conversation. So I text her thanks. and after a while I reply, "sorry but you seem angry at me with your short response. because I didnt want to use your credits up. you should just say what you mean so I dont have to guess". Because I'm aware of the narcissist family trauma dynamics Im walking into. Every represses their emotions, and denies how they really feel. She replies, "no im not angry right now we'll decide tomorrow what we use. there's no point discussing over text because we cant tell what eachorher is feeling so it becomes a miscommunication. Like right now where you think Im angry. easier yo just talk in person". In my head Im thinking, well, why dont you fricking CALL ME THEN? Im DREADING going back. Not only because of the friggin bossy directive attitude, of ignoring what I said I wanted, but of just making it a reason I now get to sit here and cry. Because clearly she had something she wanted or preferred, and I was supposed to read her mind about it. And when I didnt, it's all just giving me so much anxiety bwcause this is how itll be for 2 weeks. Apparently Im the ony that makes everone walk on eggshells, because Im the only one who will be breaking down into tears and not have a thick skin like my mother and sister. Who will then say I make then walk on eggshells because they can never "make me happy". I deeply deeply regret booking the flight. I cant not go now, because itll just be a really big deal if I say I cant go. Im just going to try to go witj the flow. I have to just say oh "whatevers easiest" at every opportunity, that might irritate them. But at this point, it's the only stance I can take. I can see them mocking me for that too, and saying oh you just dont have any opinion. And then Ill basically not be able to fake a smile and want to cry and theyll continue to say I make them walk on eggshells. I have the entire visit mapped out basically. Deep regret. I really had some fantasy thinking that 2 weeks is not a long time. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can try to escape to the library. Ill be really grateful, to be back. I spent 5 months there last time, with just my sister. And I got through that. I can get through this. Hopefully it will make me more strong and neutral. Trying to give myself a pep talk as I cry. This is what you call an emotional flashback. try telling me ptsd isnt real.
I'm sorry you will have to go through this :( This is not to dismiss anything you said or to make it seem less severe. I think many families do not realize how their dynamic can be very difficult to deal with! Even occasionally for those of us who don't have as many family issues. But it sounds like you have a good attitude. You're always welcome to message on here if things get bad!
Having a super toxic family really sucks >.< I have one myself. Not to compare with you, but to bring my story to show you that I can totally empathize with you due to the fact I have one myself (Toxic family). And it may not even empathize, but more like I am also "in your shoes" in the most literal sense possible. I learnt that people's choice of words really shows great deals and lengths to their character. Like how they say they are not yet using words that can "sound" like either yes or no. And when you question them things in the hope of getting clear-cut answers, they would always use strong words that have almost nothing to do with the answers you are finding, all just to gaslight you, to steer us off course/point so that we will not pester them while holding strong onto them so as to force them to give us the answers that we want. This to me, is a huge "GASLIGHTING" signal in my head, and usually, it is always right. The success rate of it spot on to the failure rate of being wrong really screams huge red flags.
I don't know about you, but I have decided to cut my family off totally in a lot of senses. This family lie has been held on for years, they it seems they still insist and hope to keep it that way, however, they can live the life they so much wanted, and so do I, I myself am also entitled to choose the life that I so much so wants to live. If they love this fairy tale of a happy family, they can hold onto it without me in the picture, to be honest. I totally don't really want to give a **** about how they feel, because they don't give a **** about how I feel, yet same as you, they would always point out that I am the sore thumb that is spoiling and soiling all the moments, yet I saw no changes, or at least no motives or signs of wanting to change, more like that want me to change JUST to fit into them. This is what I would do and eventually do, so, but one thing for sure, I suggest you on building onto the life that you so much so wants to live, best would be to keep picturing the very ideal life in future that you would like to be, the future version of you, that can live the "happiest" life as possible. Positive envisioning is also one of the key points that might keep you going, I guess there is quite some truth to it. Hopefully, all this helps, just voicing out what somewhat helped me, in the past and maybe now or in the future as well. all the best, and may the better lives of us come and eventually not only shed light and envelops us to the destiny we so much so are. ^^ have a nice one I guess =D
There are just some BOUNDARIES that can NEVER be touched, is what I learnt, so much so that if my family don’t know how to respect that, then, sorry, I do not have this kind of family, to begin with. If they are only self-entitled enough to have boundaries yet do not need to respect mine, then goodbye I guess, may me and my family not meet again I hope, and pray.