I'm having a really rough time lately. I never thought I'd

Relationships Romantic Relationships
1

I'm having a really rough time lately. I never thought I'd be "one of those girls" (and I know how judgmental that sounds--please forgive me)---one of those girls that lost herself completely in a guy. Many of my friends have been in actually abusive relationships---relationships where the guy was so obviously abusive that anyone could see it. I don't think my current relationship is necessarily abusive--I don't think he's necessarily doing anything wrong TO me... but I know that there is definitely something wrong WITH me in this relationship. Tonight I tried to write---without criticizing myself for being pathetic or anything like that---I tried to write down exactly what I felt when I didn't hear from him, didn't know where he was, or I can't get a hold of him. Here's the list I made:
When I can't reach him or I'm afraid I'm losing him, I feel...
- like I can't breathe
- physically sick
- this unbearable tightness in my chest
- like if I start crying, I won't be able to stop
- extremely terrified
- hopeless. Completely incapable of getting beyond the crazy state I'm in UNLESS I hear from him & he reassures me that he still cares for me
- incredibly overwhelmed
- unable to think about anything else
- nothing else in my life can be right if this relationship could potentially be going wrong
- desperate -- so, so, so desperate--- like I'd do anything to make it right again--like this is the only thing in my life that matters
- pathetic
- confused
- angry
- betrayed
- really, really, really crazy
- ugly
- fat
- completely unloveable
- like there is nothing left
- like the only way out from all this pain & terror is to run away from it (sometimes I think a lot about dying & possibly seriously hurting myself)

Trust me, I know how crazy this sounds. And I think I hate that above anything else--that I feel like such a freak and that no one will ever understand me or no one will get it or they'll judge me if I tell them... so that's why I'm writing here... to people I don't have to look in the face when I tell them how much pain I'm in and why I'm in that ridiculous amount of pain... because I just know that people in my life will think I'm nuts or lose respect for me or brush it off or make me feel even dumber & more crazy than I already feel or all of those things... it would just be a nightmare.

I don't know what to do. It's like I'm fighting this battle within myself all the time--like there is a side of me that's confident and feels wonder and enjoys life and feels special and proud and has goals and dreams and hopes----and then there's this other side of me that hates myself so much I can't stand it, that's so incredibly confused, that has completely lost itself in this one relationship & bases its entire existence/purpose on that relationship, that sees absolutely no point in living, that can't see past the pain. I hate when the voice of that second half of myself gets so loud that I can't hear the first. And it's happening far too often lately.

I know this post is already super long, but I thought I'd give you a brief overview of this relationship. I'm a 26 year old female. He is 33. We've been best friends for 8 years and lived together for a good portion of those 8 years. Though we'll sometimes say we've been in a relationship (because--honestly, it's hard to call it anything else besides that) we've also never called each other boyfriend and girlfriend. We have sex. We have fun together. We love a lot of things about each other. However, we have one major difference in our view of life & love... and this difference is like a brick wall that we keep banging our head against. He feels like love should always be free & open & that you should be able to love as many people as you want in your life & to have sex & intimate relationships with as many people as you want. He's all for polyamory. And I'm not. I do see the logic & I want to say I believe in the "freedom" and "openness" of love... but I can't seem to not feel jealousy. Also, I realize, that ultimately, I do want to be in a relationship with one person... having a relationship with a ton of people sounds like way too much work... and having a relationship with someone who wants to be in a relationship with a ton of other people sounds like it would be very, very lonely sometimes... and I'm really not into swinging & orgies & threesomes(+). Those things may be okay on occasion---but I don't feel strong enough to have them be my life. He argues that the reason I want a monogamous relationship is because of lack of self-esteem, too many cultural/societal values saying that monogamy is what I deserve or should want, and generally because women want to feel special. In one way, I think he's a total **** & in another way, I kind of see his point. Regardless, I know it's not what I want for me. So I know I will have to leave him & move on. However, like I said above, I can't even handle not getting a hold of him on the phone... how the heck am I supposed to let him go completely? What do I do? I'm just at a complete loss & I'm worried about how much longer I can take this constant anxiety... as I know he's looking to be in a relationship sooner than later... and I know he wants to keep me around... but it just makes me cringe. And recently he told me that I am kind of crazy (understandable given that I know I am way too attached & that it's not healthy) and that I'm also overweight and that I should fix that so I have more self-esteem (which is actually true--I am definitely obese---but even though him telling me that is honest & true-- it just makes me feel even less confident & I've struggled with my weight for a long time & haven't been able to change it---so I just don't feel hopeful for changing it now or anytime in the near future--plus, with how big I've gotten, I bet it would take a LONG time for me to get back to a desirable size)... I'm just really scared because of how hopeless I feel... like I just don't know if I'll be able to keep doing this. Any suggestions or advice would be much appreciated! Or if you can relate in any way---it just sucks to feel like you're alone & are the craziest person on the planet!

1 Heart
2

Hi. Only had time to scan your pos t quickly but it sounds as though this is relationship addiction. You can find out more from the CODA.org website, as well as the books 'Women who love too much' and 'Codependency no more'. There is also other info on the internet.
If it hurts, it's not love. Also, if you feel out of control in a way that you don't really like.
Hope this helps.

3 Hearts
3

Thank you, Yodafan. I really appreciate you responding & giving me some things to look at... I really want to get better. It means a lot.

4

I agree w/ @Yodafan. If we are desperate in one relationship, we are most likely to continue to be just as desperate in the next and the next...
Therefore, we need to get to the bottom/source of our insecurities. The man you describe is definitely not for you, but your fear will bind you to men who are not interested in committed, healthy relationships.
Work on your relationship with self. As your self esteem strengthens, your tendency towards dysfunctional, one sided relationships will lessen.

5

It may be that you need to re-evaluate yourself and what YOU want. If you cannot feel happy with yourself, then you won't be able to feel happy with others. If you cannot learn how to heal and learn to love yourself again, then your relationship will cease to exist. If you care about yourself enough to cry once in awhile, do activities that will make you feel happy, and learn how exist again within yourself, then your relationship will hopefully come back together so that the worry will cease a little at a time and you will make yourself feel better about yourself. If you need to, start a journal and write in it each day of how you are feeling and then once in awhile look back through it to see how you are accomplishing your goal.

2 Hearts
6

I am 26, I was in a relationship with the man. Same thing though. Same feelings. I have been going to therapy and working through this for 5 months. I still feel like I am suffocating sometimes. He is moving out in 6 days. I wonder how I will be able to function once that happens. I am trying to take a day at a time. The books I read that significantly helped me understand A LOT about me and him and my relationships: "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". "If the Buddha Dated". "A New Life: Awakening to Life's Purposes". And then "If This is Love: Why do I feel so insecure". I feel like these books saved my life. I don't know what I would of done to myself out of pain and confused. Now.. Well I am still hurt. I still have panic attacks, but I get it now. Its just a matter of working through those insecurities so you can look forward to better relationships. I don't feel like killing myself anymore. And trust me.. all that pathetic craziness you feel... It will stop. Pick up some books. You will realize very quickly that your experiences are validated.

1 Heart
7

Girl, I could have written this myself a year ago. I was exactly you (and still am in a lot of ways). I always judged girls who lost themselves in relationships, who placed their life in the hands of a man... and then what do you know, that's exactly what happened to me. I had a complete nervous breakdown, and I was exactly like you... getting tense and emotional and freaked out if I couldn't get ahold of him... sometimes we would even chat online and if it would take him awhile to respond, I would actually CRY. It was unreal. I completely did not recognize myself. I lost so much weight because I couldn't eat for months, just being completely obsessed with him and where we stood. And I still hurt from him.

But I guess, being outside of that a little bit now, I can tell you, it looks like you are making too many concessions for him. You are so quick to believe what he says and his worldview, that you admit is not for you. While it's true that maybe your self esteem would go up if you lost weight, it's kinda a **** move to say this to you, especially because, your self esteem needs to be rooted in more than your weight. If you only strive to lose weight, and do so, and feel better about yourself, then the minute you start to gain weight again, your self esteem will go down, and your happiness and self worth will be continually tied to whatever the scale is telling you. You need to recognize your value and worth aside from external factors, like your weight.

In the end, it sounds like you know that he is not someone that you will pursue, or that is good for you, but it will take some time to wean off of it and move on, which is understandable. Keep yourself focused on what is good for you (which sounds like it doesn't include him) and recognize that your behavior that is tied to him and his responses is so unhealthy, that it's going to be nothing but good things when you move on.

8

I guess we stay in relationships that are obviously harmful but once inside the relationship the experience is a bit different. We justify behaviors as he is having a bad day or he only does this when he drinks or he has only hit me once and that was just in the back of my head. We go on and on with excuses for his behavior when the behavior and choices of him are mine. Kinda hard to examine self concept if I am doing the self examination and often, not often enough, a friend will say.. Don't you see? I don't treat my wife as she treats me. I don't like myself very much after I do it but once, just once, I wish she would say to me.. " Back off, buddy, you are now hurting my feelings and I don't like it and further, right now, I don't like you....."