Hi there. This is the first time that I have been with people that might understand me. Its been a long road for me and the sad thing is my life revolved around the incest that I encounter when I was 4. It has been a battle for me ever since and I was caught in several unhealthy relationships that ended with physical abuse. Recently, I have lost a man that i truly trust. trust is a big word and an even bigger deed as its really hard for me to trust. He left me on April 27th 2010. That night he physically hurt me and deep down I knew that i have a large part to play in it. Nothing makes sense to me because I still miss him. And i would do anything to have him back in my life.
I dont know. Nothing makes sense to me anymore....
Broken, there are reasons we meet the types of people that we meet & too many times it has to do w/our past history, the way we are raised, genetic links, traumas. I was molested from age 2-12 by a step father, I'm now 54 & yes married 19yrs to someone who is bipolar/schziod/BPD & alcohol dependant & just the last 5yrs. of trying to teach myself (I take full responsibility for my situation) how to focus on myself & baby step my way out of a toxic relationship that I brought into my own life & never do this to myself again because of my past & not having guidance/wisdom/knowledge thru it til a few years ago. It takes us as long as it takes to understand why we're doing what we're doing & help ourselves. Keep talking, we're all here for you.
Thanks April for the encouragement. I found solace in yout words. Baby steps... yes. what happened a few years ago if you dont mind me asking. Whats your turning point?
Got exhausted from being around toxic people especially my husband & myself, so I started reading books (not fun reads) looking up words a mile long, searching the internet when the computer would cooperate, went to therapy (thats a whole nother animal could take forever to find one that suits our particular needs let alone pay for it)to try & be supportive, helpful to my husband & myself without enabling, co-dependant etc, which IS what we learn about ourselves along the way, its not just all their fault, they dont choose to be this or that way & we have to learn about ourselves & past that sends us down some of these strange roads & to toxic, drama ridden people & places, it was rough, I didnt even want to read a billboard sign anymore & 2yrs. later here I am. We have to look at ourselves sucks but theres reasons.
I'll be thinking of you & talk when you feel like it.
April
p.s. my husband never learned anything from it, some never do, but I sure did =D