I'm a mature adult female who grew up with two siblings in a neglected childhood. We were never shown any affection and felt guilty for being born into the world. Our parents spent their time in bars each night while, many times, we had no food, utilities, etc. I always felt very close to my next-step down sister and we've discussed many times and tried to make sense of our past life. We've each worked extremely hard and succeeded to make a better life for ourselves. As a child my mother always told me that nobody liked me. I think she was trying to get me to change my personality, which was unlike hers. I've grown up wondering if it is true?
A major point in my life, when my husband left me for another woman, again proved to me -- nobody cares about me. I've gotten past that -- moved on -- found a new husband. The new husband is a good person and I have a good life but I feel that his attitude is, she's a great roommate. I don't feel that he cares about me either. I have two sons - one does not care, the other seems to care when he needs something --otherwise doesn't seem to need me in his life.
Very recently my sister that I have been so close has ended our relationship. She said some very cruel things.
I had thought all was going well with the sister when she contacted an attorney who specializes in Wills and Estates. She said that she now thinks that I am manipulating my mother to gain a larger share of her estate! She admits that I do deserve more but doesn't want me to decide how much more. This is crazy!! I've never asked for or taken a dime. I've spent many hours over the years taking care of my mother's needs. We've been so close and now she distrusts me. When she told me off it wasn't about any issue, it was everything, my voice, my attitude, questioning my ethics -- it seemed that she was just out to destroy me. I just couldn't get her to stop the insults. I tried hugging her and begging her to stop and take another look. I tried, as my husband suggested, to just let her scream and accuse me and not try to defend myself - until she had it all out. I try to reason with myself that I've seen her do this to other people too, maybe it's a mental problem she has? It's been two sessions of this and she still wouldn't stop. Her accusations are petty and stupid. The record keeps playing in my head - all the things she said about me. Again, the question, am I just an unloveable person?
I lay awake at night. Some nights I don't sleep at all. When I want to talk to my husband he says, "not again?" or "Do we have to talk about this 24-hours a day?"
Tonight, after a family birthday party with the sister, I came home in tears. He spent the night making jokes and laughing with the sister. I feel like he is saying, "It's OK to hurt my wife, but I still like you." I can't stop the record in my head with all the things she said about me. At home my husband said I should go to bed and forget it. When I didn't do it he asked, what can I do for you? I said, "just help me to feel that you care." He said a simple, "I care", then went to bed. We're both professional people and I can't understand why he can't try to comfort me.
I'm having a difficult time to find any self-worth. When I was going through the divorce I went to counseling and was on anti-depressants but didn't see much progress. It just seemed to take time to get past the abandonment issues. I can't afford counseling again. At least 2-3 times a week I seriously consider if I wish to end the pain. How can I turn this around and find some good in myself? Am I so depressed that I irritate everyone around me?