I'm just going to write this as Im feeling. I'm 43 suffered

I'm just going to write this as Im feeling.
I'm 43 suffered all my life with depression and as far back as I can remember I wanted to kill myself.what an orfull thing to have to say but it feels worse feeling it still till this day.
my depression is going to be the death of me,I have tried 5 times and every day in my head I no I'd be Better of not alive.life is just someone else's it's not mine.I don't Belong I've never fitted in always felt different this is far deeper than I can exsplain.I don't feel the doctors can do anymore medication counselling etc etc I've tried.
I just need to be at Pease I can't fight it anymore my soul I have no soul I'm burnt out.
I no people try to encourage you with kind words of wisdom.but those people who suffer in some why or form like I do no what I'm feeling and talking about.no one can change the way I've always felt I wish I could .maybe I'm missing that happy chemical or I have some abnormalities cause after 40 years I've gotten worse I'm just getting and feeling worser.

No one is born depressed, in other words, something is MAKING you unhappy. A factor, a type of dissatisfaction. If you say , i hate life, then you also could say, i hate life "because". And then you should be able to mention what you dislike. And once you fix that, you start liking life again.

Because people don't just want to commit suicide for no reason. It might feel like there is no reason because it has been going on for so long. But there must be a reason for your unhappiness. And it must come from somewhere.

Since it started in your youth, what happened in your youth for you to dislike life?

Yes there was stuff I had to deal with when I was younger which as made me the person I am today..and I hate me ... horrible stuff as happened all through my life still happening till this day. I can never recall a time when I've said I'm really happy content and love my life..
I have spoke about my unhappy childhood to councillors how cruel my mum was with me ..and I've forgiven her..but it had an effect on the rest of my life where I chose the wrong men and the same happened again..physically mentally..I've been single for 10 years cause that's how long ago It was when I was raped..now I'm battling with health issues..I no I need help but I have no faith in the British nhs..they fail a lot of people and soon I will be another one.