I'm new and I could use some friends to draw strength experience hope from

My spouse of 24 years (together 26) told me August of 2009 that he wanted a divorce "because he wasn't happy". I asked him if he was willing to attend marriage counseling and try to save our marriage, he said yes.

What came out in counseling was that we both has cheated within the first year of our marriage and 'successfully' hid it all these years. Mine was once with the same person over about a month after my husband told me he didn't want to be married and didn't want kids (i was 20 at the time). I was his 2nd marriage. He had a child with his first wife.

He however also confessed to 5-6 one night stands and 2 online love affairs. We agreed to wipe the slates clean and move on. We had been in counseling since. I had been giving 110% Him not so much. I had felt over the last 6 months he was back to his old tricks. I learned he was cheating again with 2 women in 2 different states. So I told him to leave, I was done. He refused, said he was sorry and that we had to fix this. I told him I no longer was giving him that choice. He then attempted 2 different ways of suicide, unsuccessfully. This was August 23rd, this year. Once he was out of the hospital and mental ward, I told him I still wanted him to move out.

He plays this daily guilt trip game "you are still kicking me out?" and tells me how he has to go to places to get supplies for his new place.

I love this man with all my heart. I never thought I would ever have to make a decision to live apart from him. I need time and space to gather my thoughts and let my wounds heal. He has a counselor he is seeing, I have an appointment for myself for a new counselor on my own on Monday.

I feel so hurt & betrayed that he as done this, that he is so selfish. I worked through his military career to ensure we could always afford to live comfortably. He retired and stayed at home with our middle child while I worked and put him through college for his bachelors. I had our youngest and i had to force him to go back to work. I tried to go to school to finish my nursing degree, but I had to wait so he could finish his masters. Then he decided he wanted a divorce only months soon after.

I am feeling so alone in all this, and I know I am not. I am at home, not working, no degree in sight and am faced with having to go back to work and possibly being a single mother of 3, I am scared to death, however I know I will in the long run be happier. He is hardly ever here, and when he is here - he is not here emotionally anyway...it just took me all this time to realize it.

So y'all thinking what I'm thinking, marriage counseling is gonna be a waste of time again...???

Yes,I think so.He has a habit to cheat and lie on you.Sometimes people change, but it's not very likely.Sorry to tell you this,but you'd better look for somebody else more honest.

well i suppose it will be since he seems to be emotionally else where as well as physically absent with others.

so i guess the million dollar question is how/where do u go from here?

what do u want to happen in an ideal situation and how can u achieve that

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes

D :)

From reading your letter I see many times where your comments make it very clear that you know in your heart that you need to live your own life and get him out of it. If you want to go to nursing school you can , I did it when I left my second husband and my kids were only 4 and 1. It was very, very hard but it is possible. If you have friends who can help you, reach out to them for babysitting or any other help you need. Get advice from counselors at college, go for a two year RN degree or an lpn degree to start, it takes less time. Many schools have special counselors and help for adults returning to education. social services also has programs to help you, as does the employment office. See if you are eligible for VESID which is mostly for social security disability but also for displaced homemakers. Your husband sounds like an emotional vampire who wants to use you for anything he can get and is trying to make you feel guilty for things you have nothing to do with. End it with him in no uncertain terms, it will hurt at first but it will be liberating and feel good in the long run. I know I did it. Went through a somewhat similar situation years ago. There is nothing that he can bring to your life that is worth keeping him around. get away from him and make it definite. There are a lot of good supportive people here, and counselors on the outside. He has abused you mentaly and emotionally and you need to get free of him. His suicide attempts and his girlfriends problems are not your responsibility. He is trying to make you feel guilty so he can use you. Cut him loose. If possible move away to another town and start over. thats what I did and I met my third husband, never thought I would be in love again, its been 15 yrs and I am very happy, my kids had a great stepdad to help raise them. You never know what life has in store around the next corner, but you cant find out if you stay in the bad place you are in.
Bless you and good luck. Stay in touch.
dr

Your husband strikes me as an emotional leech. He seems to be uninterested in altering himself in order to fix your marriage, but doesn't want to let go of the support he recieves from you. Why would he? He was getting his education paid for, being allowed to stay home and not work for a long time. It looks like youre realizing that it's time to move on. Please don't allow yourself to be sucked back into your old ways. It takes commitment to end a relationship, just like it takes commitment to be in one. Focus on yourself and your children. My heart goes out to you.

What great advice

I totally feel your pain. It is so very difficult to start over, but when you reach the bottom, the only place to go is up. I believe that when we are placed in such dire situations we in turn become more compassionate towards others(at least this is my hope). Be kind to yourself, believe that you can have a life that is filled with peace and harmony and most of believe that you deserve it.
There are brighter days ahead even though you may not feel like that right now :)

You can get through this. I am a mommy of three also. Right now I am struggling to forgive my husband. It's so hard, but with time and forgiveness, we will heal. There are brighter days and I am staying positive. You are an intelligent, strong woman. You will get through this.

Wow - I haven't updated in a very long time. I had my husband served with divorce papers on 2/3/2012. He STILL has not moved out. In June 2012 things came to a head again and I told him I had lost patience and I wanted him out and he lost it and was admitted to the mental ward once again. I didn't fall for the manipulation this time. I cleared out the office while he was gone, and now he has had his own room. Our renters are moving out 3/16 and he is moving out 3/17 if i have to pack his **** for him. I have learned a lot through all this. (June will have been 26 years married 28 years together)

He is one of the most selfish self centered manipulative people I know. He is an emotional leech. He views my children and my family as competition and he will never be happy (however he does not see it that way). I am not willing to be unhappy at his side, and I deserve better. He is now miserable more than ever because he knows there is no turning back for me.

I am still scared to death. I still don't have a job. I used to be one of the most secure, optimistic person you could ever talk to. I know in the long run, I will be happier. This is certainly once scary road I am traveling filled with uncertainty. However, I also know of anyone, I can come up with a plan, follow through with it and be happy with the results. It is just getting there that is the hard part...I have learned in counseling i find it VERY hard to allow myself to be vulernable to anyone or to lean on anyone because i am always the pillar of support and the caretaker...

perhaps or will come across someone that i can allow to fulfill that role sometime in the near future?

So I went through the pain of the loss, the anger & the hurt. Now I am dealing with the fear and all the self discoveries but meeting the challenges as they come.

I would encourage you all to do the same. You have the answers to what you are willing to put up with. Do not compromise who you are in the process, be true to yourself, and NEVER SETTLE for anything less than what your deserve you feel is the best.

(Oh - my plans - employment, go back to school to fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming a nurse, and do all the things we love as a family, camping, beach, bike riding, quads...family game night...life goes on)

Healing & Supportive thoughts!

I know it is 7 months ago, but no one responded to your update. You seemed so good in this comment against a lot of odds! I am praying that it continues to improve for you. So much wisdom here in your post. Thank you! It gives others courage and hope to read the strength here. Hope your continuing with your dream and I am sure you will be an excellent nurse.

Oh, I see there were more posts. They don't appear until after a post is registered.