My name is Cherie. I am 52 and suffer from an eating disorder not specified. It started out as a diet and then a 12 step program which is a huge help and now it is dangerous. I have lost 137 pounds and I can't stop. I eat healthy food only and I also have some bullemic activity. My life is dictated by the numbers on the scale. My weight is in the normal range so I can hide this problem. My friends are all talking about how wonderful I look and that just feeds my disorder. I am just now coming to terms with this as being a problem. I had anorexia/bullemia in my 20's and thought I couldn't possibly have it in my 50's. That is just not typical!
Any help and suggestions would be really appreciated.
Thanks
Cherie
Cherie,
It sounds like a relapse, for sure... I know how triggering it can be to do well on a diet and hear all those positive comments and compliments! Envy, even. :) VERY triggering... I'm glad you are able to recognize that this has gotten out of hand. Reaching out here is an important step. :) My therapist said that there seems to be a new trend in adults seeking treatment these days. She thinks it's because not as much was known about EDs when we were younger, and now people that have been dealing with them for a long time are starting to seek help.
Losing as much weight as you did is REALLY noticeable. Of course people are going to congratulate you! :) There are a lot of health benefits that come from getting back into your healthy range. BUT... YOU know the truth... You know HOW you lost the weight. You know what is fueling the obsessive thoughts and how the ED is really increasingly in control.
I know this is a tough thing to face... After 13 years of binge eating, when I began losing weight I was so terrified of regaining, that I decided it was "safer" for me to continue losing than to risk changing! :0/ I found this site almost a year ago, and I've been slowly changing my life. I got into therapy and am working with a nutritionist. I have regained some needed weight, and it's amazing to me that people that told me I looked great when I was underweight are now congratulating me on looking better! ♥ Huh...
Anyway... I hope you'll consider getting into therapy. It's so very important. You're at a stage in life when you can really take control of this. As long as the ED is in control, you are not. You CAN do this! I believe in you! :)
Love,
Jen
Thanks Jen!
I am currently in therapy but she doesn't know squat about ED. i am in the process of trying to find a therapist who knows a little about them and addictions in general. Tall order for real!
I can hear myself very clearly in what you wrote and it is helping to get me out of the denial. I keep telling myself that this isn't that bad because I am in a healthy weight range and I am not puking...yet. I hear the disease talking to me and it sounds so rational sometimes. I have a support group and that helps so much but they are not with me 24/7 and this demon is. Finding a nutritionist would be a dream for me but my insurence won't pay for it. Being on a fixed monthly income makes it unaffordable for me. So, joining this group and going to recovery meetings is what I am doing for me today. I am also reading a bunch of books just because if I am reading I am not obsessing about weight or food.
I am glad to be here and I think I may stick around. It can't hurt, I'm sure.
Cherie,
Take things at your own pace. If this works for you, then by all means continue! :) I know that for me, I eventually reached a point where I felt stuck, and I knew I needed to increase the support I was receiving. The cost is high! I'm a single teacher, and FAR from being easily able to pay. My insurance has not been any help thus far, either. I'm stressed out by the bills. And yet... I'm reclaiming my life. The money... Well, I can't put a price on my safety and health. I'll dig myself out of that mess, too. ;0)
Stick around, for sure! :) Keep writing! This site, more than anything else I have done, has really helped me transform myself. ♥
Love,
Jen
Hi Cherie! Welcome! I'm glad that you have chosen to share about what you are going through. It is tough when outwardly you don't appear to be starving, but the truth is, if you eating is in a chaotic pattern, and you are bingeing/purging, your body is starving, in a hidden way.
Losing the amount of weight that you did may seem 'good', but it's truly not healthy for your body. It's a shock. And the fact that it has resulted in eating disordered behaviors is further proof that it's not been best for your body. Others don't know the facts about these things.
Your body may not look or fit into the underweight category on a chart, but with that much of a weight loss, your body is likely suffering a great deal.
Please get help. You have nothing to be ashamed of. This is the consequence of the 'monster' of an eating disorder. It's very possible for you to be free from the obsession of this, but breaking the unhealthy cycle is critical. If you want to find a therapist with ED experience, you could check out the Academy of Eating Disorders website, or go to the referral page on this site at http://www.eatingdisordersonline.com/treatment/index.php. You may also want to call the treatment helpline at Eating Disorders Online at 1-877-211-5188.
Good luck, and please keep sharing! Jan ♥
Thanks for the website and the phone number. And thanks for sharing with me and giving me some more hope. Thats the thing with this sickness. It tells me that I am hopeless and never going to be acceptable unless the weight comes off. Unfortunately, it doesn't tell me what "off" really means. It feels like it is making me disappear. In my 12 step programs the books talk about drug use is suicide on the installment plan and that is what this feels like also. Suicide by way of E.D. Some days I feel like I just want it to hurry up so I won't feel so broken. Other days I have hope that it will get better. Today I am waivering between the 2.
I looked at the website and filled out their little form thingy. I will see what the response is. My next step, if I get no answer, is to call that number. Thanks again for the help.
Cherie...Yes, it is the disorder that 'tells' you that there is no hope...not YOU! Have you ever thought about stopping in your tracks, and letting your life catch up to you? I remember thinking many times that I felt like I was literally running away from myself, yet I didn't know who I was. Very strange. There is hope. You can recover! Those are absolutes! Never give up!! Good luck with your search...Jan ♥
Today is my first day without laxatives and nothing else to feed my bullemia. I found a couple of places for qualified therapists and just waiting for a call back.
I have talked to a lot of recovering people about my illness so that I am not hiding it anymore. I also received a book suggestion along with a few other suggestions that I will impliment. Just for today I feel some relief and some fear. Knowing that I am not only running from myself but trying to disappear all together is pretty scary! My s/o is very frustrated because he does not know how to help me. He feeds my sickness a lot by trying to get me to eat. That message gets flipped in my head and it says "You are not good enough yet" Man I hate this thing. I hope you have a successful day. Thanks for reading my stuff!
Just an update.
My situation with bulemia has gotten more severe. Not only am I having a difficult time putting down the laxitives but I am also vomiting. I have lost -- more pounds at least and it is really scary. I have a new therapist but she is brand new to me and we just got through the intake process. Actual appointment is Monday. I can't go to the hospital because I am a nanny for my grandkids and I work everyday. My daughter just got the job so she can't take time off and there are no other sitters here. I am in a bind and feel like I have no where to turn. Thank goodness for my support groups and my boyfriend. (I hate calling him that at 52 years of age!) Anyway I have not found many old lady bulemics to relate to and that shouldn't matter but in my broken mind I should be better at my age. GRRR!
Thanks to anyone who read this.
Cherie...please don't deny yourself the help you need. I know that putting others first seems virtuous, but not when you may not be there for them ultimately.
Hey, if he is your friend, and he's a 'boy', then he's your boyfriend, right? I'm all for it ♥
It's not about 'should' you be better...this is an illness, and it hits people of all ages and backgrounds. Please don't judge yourself and make it even harder!
You are NOT an old lady!! I am 54, and now that I am recovered, I refuse to allow numbers of ANY kind hold me back!! Fight for what you deserve!! HUGS...Jan ♥
hi there,
i saw your post and wanted to respond. i'm going to be turning 40 this year and CAN'T believe I am still binging and purging after more than 20 years?!?! i haven't taken laxatives in years as one time i almost blacked out.
i remember specifically when I was 25ish and in an outpatient treatment facility I told myself I wilL NEVER be in my 40s still doing this to myself... b/c I saw some older ladies in the center... and low and behold here I am still doing the same behavior.
I currently do not have a therapist or anyone to talk to about it as I've been hiding it.
I am still hopeful and prayerful that I will stop one day.
Caroline