Hi everyone. I just joined this group and I'm not sure how it all works.
I'm here to find help with codependency with my teen. He is a tough kid to raise and today I'm frazzled. I work the 12 steps for another issue, but I really need help disentangling myself from my son's life. I've been raising him pretty much on my own and it is so hard to watch him live his life and take consequences. I have got to stop trying to fix his messes for him. I have a lot of fear about what his future will be and how it will affect me.
Anyhow I'm glad to be here and I so need to be here.
birdona wire
welcome and oh those kids they break our hearts from the minute they are born to the minute we close our eyes in the end
having said that its too easy to fall into the trap of lettin ourselves fix all the problems and shielding them from responsibility when if we let them fall they learn to pick them selves up.
he will survive the same way u survived it might not be pretty but it will be a way for him to grow into his maturity and function as an adult who knows the consequences of life, we all want our child to have better than we did but if we dont equip them with the basics we are the worst enemy they will ever have, its not up to us to provide continuously and grant every wish as that is unrealistic and does them nothing in the future
so what do u need help with exactly
i will try to help
as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)
Hi domestic and Thanks for the good thoughts and vibes. That’s what I need. Someone to remind me that allowing him to make mistakes is the right thing to do for him and me. I want to demonstrate confidence that he can learn from those mistakes and that all will be ok. I’m just so tired and concerned about his future.
Last night was a tough one. After letting him manage his homework this semester several of his grades are really low and he may not pass the classes. That means he may not be able to graduate with his friends next year. This realization made him angry and depressed and he was determined not to do any homework to catch up. He is a really intense kid and learned to be verbally abusive from my exhusband. I had to stand my ground, enforce boundaries, explain consequences, and then help him calm down so he could sleep and go back to school today. Recovery from codependency and parenting are difficult for me manage. It seems some attributes of good parenting are getting into someone elses business. I find that puzzling and frustrating. I’m just doing the best I can to walk that thin line between guiding him and stepping in to take over his life.
Anyhow, that’s where I’m at and I’m glad to be here. Looking forward to hearing your story too.
bird:)
bird
i have a long family all made up of others leftovers all my lot are adopted or long term fostered so yes i know what u mean when u say its a fine line u walk to seperate being a mom and allowing them to suffer the consequences.
the hardest part about parenting is when they get to a certain age u have to stand back and watch the consequences happen (all mine are grown by the way and my yongest are just completeing university) young men tend to think they can flex the muscles and things happen, if its his grades have u had a word with school about it and had a meeting so u him and them are all clear on the consequences of his fallen grades, sometimes they need to hear it more than once for things to fall into place, my youngest lad has/had adhd aty school and was failing badly so he wouldnt be able to get into the forces, it took tough love and constant policing to get him to stay focused but he had to pull his weight in the partnership he got rewarded for keeping his grades up with little things like a game for his computer mayb not the one he wanted but one to add to the collection if he did something outstanding he might get the game of his choice he all so had to learn that his mouth wasnt going to intimidate me although he stands at six foot odd i could still stand on a table and look him in the eye if need be, i found that a calm front was needed and a definite cut of point when the conversation was going in circles as well as time for him to put his point across that all so took time for him to open up and talk rather than grunt or shout, so what is the biggest problem u face at the moment?
it does get better hon believe me ive been there and survived to tell the tale
as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)
It’s good to hear that things get better. His bad grades and lack of goals are symptoms of some personal issues that he needs to deal with. Many of his issues stem from growing up watching my ex and me interact badly. Also depresssion runs in the family. So having a counselor should be helpful to him. Made the call yesterday to arrange a counselor to work with him on feeling better about himself and having hope for the future.
I can really relate to what you said about not letting his mouth intimidate me and keeping a calm front. That’s tought for me when I’m exhausted from a days work and dealing with him, but when I remember that I’m in charge around here things go way better.
Yesterday was a pretty good day, although the issues still exist now that I have a plan in place and have my attitude adjusted correctly–I feel more hopeful.
So here’s to enjoying the lull in the storm.
One of my favorite quotes is “Serenity isn’t freedom from the storm, but peace within it.” That seems to apply now.
Good vibes to you too!
–bird
bird
when my boy was younger it use to be battern down the hatches
its all a question of how far u let guilt trip u up where they are concerned, i wont tell u the ammount of times he use to yell u arent my mother u cant tell me what to do, but i was the adult so yes im sorry but i can and will and u will respect the fact i clothe and feed u and care so lets get on and do
counsuling will allow him to explore his emotions and get out what he is feeling about things and yes after a day at work u dont want to suffer the carnage of them but sadly it has to be done, do u have sanctions in place? i always use to yank the music that soon brought him back into line although he now has a drum kit but as he dont live at home thats fine
it will allso help u to create a safe area when he is on one i use to pick up a book although i wasnt reading it meant we didnt have eye contact so he calmed down quicker as i didnt aggrivate the situation
keep going hon u will have a young man to be proud of one day soon
as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)