Im new here but my anxiety is through the roof right now so Im new here but my anxiety is through the roof right now so

Im new here but my anxiety is through the roof right now so ill make it short. I am a male, age 18. I have always liked girls for as long as I can remember, I have only had crushes on girls, and have had crushes on multiple girls throughout my life even recently. Never have I had any of those thoughts or feelings for the opposite sex. I have also had terrible OCD and anxiety for pretty much my entire life. About 5 years ago I got better at fighting it, and it started to go away. About 5 years ago I started thinking about girls sexually and masturbated for the first time. A little while after that, some kind of trigger (I think it was a movie or something) put the question in my head, (what if i'm gay?) I wasn't too worried about it at first, and I looked it up to see if questioning sexual orientation is normal. Then I began to obsess over it. OCD took hold, and things got worse. I was constantly anxious and found out it was hocd through lots of research. In the beginning, it felt like I was less attracted to girls, less interested, which would make me very anxious. I still masturbated to girls and porn, but I always avoided gay porn because I was afraid I would like It. I didn't want to like it. I just wanted to be me. I'm not sure If I did get aroused to it or not, and maybe that caused the anxiety. I did checking rituals and things like that for a while. This whole OCD thing has gone on for years now. I have gotten no help. I have never had a girlfriend or kissed a girl, because I was so preoccupied with ocd and I was bullied but I still get crushes on girls. It has gotten a bit better, I still think about girls, I want girls, and i masturbate to them. But I still get intrusive thoughts and have to do compulsions. I also have to keep telling myself I am straight or I get anxious. I would rather kill myself than be gay. Seriously, I am afraid to work on the OCD for fear that I might find out im in denial or something, and then I will kill myself. I'd rather burn alive. Please, I can't go on like this, If I had a choice, I would be straight, I don't want anything else. I just want it all to go away. Sorry, my grammar and sentence structure is usually much better but im having asmall anxity attack right now

1 Heart

Try not too panic. I know easier said then done. It's sounds very much like hocd you are experiencing. I would recommend speaking to your doctor who should be able to arrange cbt for you. It will get better :)

From Anxiety & Panic Disorders to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)