I'm new here, extremely overwhelmed with a whole lot I want

I'm new here, extremely overwhelmed with a whole lot I want to unload but Ill try not to go too long. My boyfriend is a heroin addict, he used even a lot worse than usual this week he's just been completely messed up and barely doing anything to hide it anymore, and I'm so beaten down and sick of fighting I'm not even doing anything to even sort of confront him anymore. I feel like I'm the typical enabler or codependent or whatever but I don't feel strong or capable enough to fix this. I have depression,anxiety, an eating disorder, chronic ptsd (amongst other issues) so I really can't handle any more than trying to keep myself together, especially not trying to deal with his addiction and all the things he's doing to me as a result. I can't stop crying can't stop feeling completely hopeless and honestly suicidal and I feel the the "right answer" is to kick him to the curb but somehow I can't bring myself to do it, can't let go of the fact that I'm in love with him and just want to believe it will get better. I keep wanting to get to a nar-anon meeting but the car is his and tbh I'm kind of afraid to leave him here while I'm gone a long time so I dunno I guess I'm hoping I'll get some support here? This is the worst I've felt my entire miserable life and I can't take it anymore

Do you have an adult family member or friend with a drug or alcohol problem? You’re probably wondering how you can help. Here are 7 answers to questions you may be asking.

1. How Can I Tell If I’m Overreacting to a Substance Abuse Problem?

If you are noticing problems in friend or family member’s work, health, family, finances, relationships, social functioning, legal issues, self-esteem or self-respect, you are not overreacting.

Continuing to use substances in spite of the fact that such behavior is causing problems is a problem in and of itself; it shows that substance use has become more important than the problems it causes. Someone who is unwilling to discuss the issue or consider whether there might be a problem is a strong indicator that a problem exists.

Some actions you can take:

* Read about the signs and symptoms of substance use.

* Observe the person’s behavior closely over a period of days or weeks to understand what leads you to think there is a problem. This information will be good to have if you decide to talk with other family members about the situation, seek advice from a professional or speak directly with the person. But don’t feel you need an exhaustive picture of the problem before

* Share your observations with other family members and friends to determine how they see the situation. If they agree there is a problem, figure out who will talk to the person about getting help.

* Contact a substance abuse professional, mental health professional, physician, employee assistance professional, guidance counselor, clergy or other helping professional to help you. Describe your family member’s substance use pattern to see whether the professional would deem it a problem. Provide details such as the type of alcohol or other drugs, how much the person is using, how often, how long the pattern has continued, negative consequences and the person’s response to discussions or confrontations about substance use.

* Ensure that you and other family members are safe from potential physical or emotional harm. If there is a threat or feat of physical violence you should develop a safety plan.

2. What Are the Benefits of Early Identification and Action?

Movies, books and magazines often portray people who “hit bottom” before they can be helped. However, this representation is a myth. People do not need to bottom out to be helped. Research shows that early identification of the problem is a much more effective solution for substance use problems.

Early identification occurs at the first signs of a problem — before anyone has suffered a traumatic event, dropped out of school or lost important relationships, jobs, their health or self-respect.

Identification can be done through a screening by a health care professional, employee assistance professional or even a family member. What happens after the screening depends on the results of the test. Some people can learn to cut back, while some need further assessment and possibly treatment.

In general, though, all people are better equipped to work on recovery if their substance use problem is discovered and confronted early. Treatment in the early stages of a substance use disorder is likely to be less intense, less disruptive and cause less anxiety.

Waiting for people to ask for help is a risky strategy. Without help, family members can expect crises like arrests, medical emergencies, job loss, public embarrassment and even death.

Also, as untreated problems continue, family members develop their own issues. Partners of people who have substance use problems can suffer greatly. Common symptoms include headaches, backaches, digestive problems, depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Children of substance users can experience school behavior problems and poor academic performance and are more likely to become substance users themselves.

It is not easy to live with someone who is using mind-altering substances. Taking steps to begin treatment and recovery can be a painful process, but it is the only path that holds promise for something better. As long as family members deny that there is a problem, the problem will progress and so will the suffering.

Start by getting help for yourself. Restore your own emotional stability and bring new direction and meaning to your life. You will be better equipped to deflect crises and arguments, and shift interactions with your impaired friend or family member. Getting help for yourself may seem counter-intuitive, but is crucial so you can better cope with the myriad problems that emerge and effectively overcome the obstacles to wellness and recovery.

Some people find when they seek help for themselves that the person with the substance use problem gets angry, perhaps because the efforts represent a loss of control. Also, getting help signals that you are serious about changing the situation.

Some people threaten those seeking help to stop their efforts. Remain firm in your resolve to go forward, and be aware of your personal safety.

It’s never too soon for you or for the substance user to seek help.

3. How Can I Bring Up the Subject with the Substance User? Will the Discussion Make the Situation Worse?

People often worry that initiating a discussion with the person with the problem will lead him or her to take drastic steps. They might make a scene in front of other family members, move out of the house, drop out of school, secretly drink or use other drugs even more and hide it from everyone or retaliate against them or other family members.

However, you might find the conversation to be a wonderfully productive experience. Perhaps the person simply hasn’t noticed behavior changes, or doesn’t realize that his or her substance use was a problem or was causing problems. And, without change, the problems may become so severe that the same drastic outcomes could result.

Following a few guidelines will help you have a discussion:

* Don’t bring up the subject when the person is under the influence of alcohol or other drugs. When people are high, they are less able to understand logic and are more likely to be impatient, dismissive, angry and blaming. Some people have poor impulse control and may act irrationally or violently if the subject is brought up while he or she is under the influence.

* Don’t be under the influence of substances yourself.

* Establish a time to talk when the two of you can have more than a few minutes alone. Your goal is to have a dialogue — a two-way conversation in which you can state your concerns and understand the person’s perception of the situation. Ask if you can set a time to speak in the next few days to discuss something on your mind. If the person responds by saying, “Now is fine,” tell them you’d prefer to set time aside and not be interrupted.

* When you meet, tell your family member that you care for him or her. Emphasize that it’s this concern for their well-being that has led you to have this conversation.

* List the behaviors you’ve observed, state that you are worried about the effect drinking or drug use is having and express concern about continued use.

* Create a two-way dialogue so the person doesn’t feel lectured or badgered. Use open-ended questions.

* If the person states that there is definitely not a problem, ask to talk again at some point in the future. Your goal is not to convince the person that there is a problem, but to let them know that you believe there is one and that your belief is based on observable behaviors.

* Don’t try to speculate, explore motives or judge. It can sidetrack you from the main point.

* Don’t expect a dramatic shift in thinking or behavior right away; this conversation may be the first time the person has thought about this problem.

* Keep in mind that there is no quick fix – prepare yourself for the long haul.

If the problem has only occurred over a short period of time, or has not reached a severe stage, it is possible that the adult you care about could successfully cut back on the use of alcohol or other drugs. If the person has not tried cutting back, you could suggest this strategy as a first step. Some people in the risky or abuse stages of substance use, or even in the early stage of addiction, are able to cut back and consistently use only minimal amounts in the future.

You may find, though — as many do — that people who can cut back are the exception, not the rule. Many people try to cut down and discover that they can’t. Or, they can only cut back for a few days or a few weeks before resuming heavy or excessive use. Trying to cut down and failing may help the person realize that the problem is more extensive than once thought.

You may also find that the person is able to stop completely. But many addicts have tried this strategy and couldn’t stop or remain abstinent for any significant amount of time. Ideally, the person should be assessed by a professional who can determine the best course of action depending on the severity of the problem and the person’s medical, psychological and social history. If you sense the person is willing to consider that there is a problem, suggest that an evaluation or a consultation with a trusted medical or mental health professional. (This suggestion may be too threatening for some people during a first conversation of this kind.)

To talk with others struggling with similar issues, consider SMART Recovery Friends & Family, which offer science-based, secular support group meeting (both online and in-person) to help those who are affected by the substance abuse, drug abuse, alcohol abuse or other addictions or Al-Aanon, a Twelve-Step organization providing help to family members of alcoholics. Meetings are widely available and free of charge.

Although you probably want the substance use to stop as soon as possible, immediate abstinence from certain drugs has risks, including withdrawal symptoms with serious medical consequences. Many people need to be admitted to a detoxification center to help them physically withdraw.

Even if detoxification is not necessary, a formal, structured treatment program is vital for sustained abstinence. A health care professional or substance use counselor can help you and the person in need assess your options.
To encourage the person to stop, you might want to tell them ways you would be willing to help make it easier – for example, going to counseling together, or providing transportation or childcare.

4. How Do I Help Someone Understand That He or She Has a Problem?

Friends and family members may feel that they constantly express concerns about a loved one’s substance use but never see any changes. You may have reached this point after weeks or months of giving lectures, making threats, ignoring behaviors, accepting promises of change, giving second chances or imposing consequences.

Experts recommend developing and repeating a consistent, positive message: “We care about you and we want you to get help.” Define substance use as a problem for you and others who care about the person. Avoid blaming, arguing and reproaching; and expect denial, distortion, avoidance, rationalization and intellectualization of the problem.

Perhaps a friend, another family member, doctor, clergy, boss, co-worker or other significant person might be able to have an effective discussion. Or maybe the substance user would respond to activities you can do together, such as reviewing brochures or videos, meeting with a professional or going to a self-help, SMART Recovery or Twelve Step meeting.

DOs and DON’Ts
As you continue to try to talk to the person in need of help, please remember these important details:

* Don’t try to talk when either one of you is under the influence.

* Do protect yourself and others around you from physical harm.

* Do call police if there is violence.

* Do set limits that will protect your home, finances and relationships, and stick to those limits.
And if you are at your wits’ end, you might consider a formal intervention.

5. How Do I Help Someone Who May Need Treatment?

Mention the word “treatment” in relation to substance use and many people think of long-term residential facilities or detox. In fact, treatment includes both of these options — and a variety of others.

Treatment addresses the individual’s physical, psychological, emotional and social conditions. Sustained reduction in alcohol or other drug use and sustained increases in personal health and social function are the primary goals.

The type of treatment is based on the severity of the problem. For risky users, treatment can be as simple as a screening and a brief intervention. For people exhibiting signs of dependence or addiction, a screening will probably lead to a referral for more intense level of care.

All treatment starts with a screening, which is a series of questions about the amount and frequency of alcohol or other drug use and the consequences it may be causing. Screening can be done by many types of professionals, including a physician in a hospital or an office, a nurse, a clinical social worker, or a licensed substance abuse counselor.

After a screening, some people may need a brief intervention, usually done by a health professional. During a brief intervention, people receive feedback on their substance use based on the screening results. Frequently, people are asked to cut back or stop their use. If they are ready to cut down, the health care professional will work with them to set a goal based on lower consumption. They may also be encouraged to reflect on why they use and how their lives will change by lowering their use. People who want to stop substance use will most likely be referred for additional evaluation or treatment.

To help someone you know who you think may have a substance use problem, you first need to get them screened. Your best bet is to talk to your own physician or employee assistance professional about referring you to someone who can help, such as a licensed substance abuse counselor or family therapist.

@Jennipain thank you. I’m a little too brain f’d to fully absorb this right now but it’s helpful and I’ll probably read it again soon

My bf just passed away, struggled with heroin addiction for 5.5 years, I felt the same way you do. I was the definition of enabler. I would cry & complain to some close friends who knew but in all honestly what was the point of complaining when I was part of the cycle too. I know you don't want to leave him alone and your finding excuses to not attend a Nar-Anon meeting but YOU NEED TO GO. It will help you & that support will be great for you to see that you deserve much more than this life with an addict. I'm not sure if your bf is willing to get the help he needs, if he doesn't then sweetie try to get yourself help & support to walk away. I don't regret my mistakes, I've learned from them, I'm stronger now more than ever. You can be too.

1 Heart

@iMissyou89 Im so sorry for your loss. The fear of Robert dying without having a chance at a happy real life is what’s messing me up the most by far. I never thought I would be an enabler because I know better and don’t want to feed the addiction but he’s so good at manipulating me and making me not know what the right thing is to do. We were going to try to switch him back over to suboxone today but then he said he took it too early, was having precipitated withdrawal and in the end I (once again) gave him the money to get more dope. So we’re going to try it again tomorrow and I’m trying to tell myself I will no way give him more money, will kick him out if need be (I mean hopefully it will just work but I’m not hopeful since he kept secretively using late into the night and I don’t think he actually took the sub today). But I told myself I’d kick him out today if need be then I crumbled way too fast… it’s just hard when he’s supposedly trying to get better I definitely don’t want to screw things up by not giving him enough of a chance, but don’t want to keep enabling him, and he has my head so jumbled… but you’re right I need to get to nar-anon, I have so many reasons why I’m afraid to leave him here alone though but I’ll try to get myself to go. Thanks for posting to me and I’m glad to hear you’ve got something positive out of it all