I'm new here: some of my worries

Hi all,

I'm new here and just wanted to tell a bit about myself and maybe get some feedback or tips. I know not all of this content will apply to all groups but as I'm currently dealing with various things I thought I'd post it on all sites.

I've been dealing with Bulimia (Anorexia to begin with) for the last 14 years. Depression was part of it on and off but during the last one or two years it became worse and more permanent; I often struggled with daily things due to it.

The beginning of this year I started experiencing anxiety and panic attacks and I really felt that my life was getting completely out of control. Lots of things were contributing to this, mainly certainly my non-existent self esteem, my bulimia getting worse again and my marriage breaking apart.

Since November last year I've been running to the doctr trying to get help but other than being sent from one assessment to the next (it seems that's what they do here in the UK) I did not receive anything, not even after two suicide attempts. Even now I am still on a waiting list only.

I am really eager to get help and I am even willing to send myself to inpatient care, but OMG it is so scary. I mean, I've gone through a similar process before but with everything going on I don't know what will come out of it at all. Hopefully I will see improvement of course but will it help change my life? Will things get back to normal again? I don't even know where I'll live, if I can still do my job and if my hubby is still aorund.

I think my main problem with it all is that if it was down to me I'd much rather just give up completely. But I have too many friends and family that are more than supportive and that love me too much, so I don't want to hurt them again. Yet, it feels like tons more pressure.

Sorry, I guess I started babbling now, but it only shows what's up in my mind all the time. It simply never stops spinning and worrying and freaking out.

I know this is all very general here, but any tips on how to deal with the fear and worries other than 'just take it one day at a time!' ?

Thanks to all of you for listening :-) I hope I can repay you at some point.

xxx
Maedi

Hello Maedi,
I understand your frustrations with reaching out for help only to be placed on wait list after wait list. I am in a very similar situation myself.

Do you see a therapist? Someone you feel safe sharing all this with?

what exactly are u worried about....i know for a fact its the worry of gaining weight for me. not weighing myself is helping me alot and eating every meal. i usually skip half of my meals but i give u alot of credit for even willing to go impatient. that is the only thing that scares me to death.

hope all is well and sending the best and good vibes ur way

liz

We are all here to help you in any way we can! Offering support and tips and what goes on with us is what happens here! When then the fear of something comes up, I answer it, with the truth of the situation. IE THOUGHT "Your roommate hates you and is going to scream atyou" with the truth, no, he dislikes smoking and I smoke, and is non threatening old man. Worries same thing. Speak the truth and the truth shall set you free. Even if you have to do what I have done for self-esteem (it's hard when you have issues, to feel good about yourself) Remember this: DON'T GET STUCK IN THE SPIN CYCLE WITH A WET BLANKET! Put up 3x5 cards on your walls, doors, mirrors, anywhere, saying you are beautiful, you are loved, you are worthy you are....find your good qualities. I have another one (I got most of this self-esteem stuff from preacher Joel Osteen, he's good medicine) that says, "good morning, you good-looking thing!" even if I don't always compute that, and another that screams, "Compliment yourself, right now!!" These help get out of the spiral thinking for me, along with the Bible, prayer, and a lot of scriptures. These help, and I got serious issues too!! SO head up, your family loves you and that is most important along with learning to like yourself more and not give in to those nagging thoughts about weight or matching up to some ideal in your head. Letting go feels good! but if you cannot (I hate cliche's too!) try the 3x5 cards and self-talk with the truth.
I was born in Middlesex, London. Never been there though, not since age 6 months but I am still an American, Britain born! GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU! Today was a better day...you found support and reached out your hand in need! Good job!

Hi Lilac,

thanks so much for your feedback.
I want to see a therapist but the last assessment psychiatrist was of the opinion that my case is not serious and that other people need help before me so she wouldn't refer me further on. My only option now here in England is the group therapy that I'm waiting for (probably another 4 months) and I know it just isn't enough.

It's so frustrating, isn't it, that we ask for help, we want to change things and we really fight to not give up, yet everything fails at bureaucracy and finances.

and then everyone tells you not to give up!!!

anyway, I'm babbling again. Do you have any support nework other than this site here? You said you were waiting too?

xx

Hey Liz,

thanks a lot for sharing. Yeah, you're right, gaining weight is probably the most scary thing for me right now and I've reached that point in my bulimia where your body just absorbs what it needs and no matter how hard you diet or excercise you still put on weight.
but I'm scared too of losing everything, especially my husband. I already can't seem to do my job anymore so I'm scared of what will become of my future, on top of that a future that I don't even want anymore but that my family and friends want for me (only cause they don't wanna lose me).

And it's just all so frustrating! We all know that our lives could be so much better if only we could change what we do and especially what we think and feel about ourselves, yet it seems impossible to do. Why for heaven's sake is that? Why can't we just stop and let go of it all?

Do you get any other help then if you're so scared of inpatient care?

Hope you're doing OK today! It's one day at a time :-)

xx

Hey Mark,

Thanks so much for your suggestions. I should really try that. I've tried it before when I still had counselling but I always feel so ridiculously silly and I never stick to it for long enough as it feels that I'm just lying to myself.

Why is it so hard to believe and see the good things that other people recognize in you?

Humans are weird creatures I think :-)

right now im seeing a therapist and nutritionist. i email my nutritionist everyday my food log and she either gives me suggestions or says great day. and whenever i have a binge i will tell her. im nt scared anymore about telling her these things.

also some other things that have helped me is journaling. i bought a beautiful journal that has inspiration quotes in it. that is where i write everything. my feelings, my poetry.

have u tried journaling...that may help?

hope all is good....sending good vibes

liz

Maedi,
I am right there with you about not even being able to get help. "They" say get help, but really the help is not there and when somone really needs it they usualy are in crisis mode as we are. Then to be told to wait isa living torture. I as well take the weight of the world on my shoulders and have family that I MUST live for. Wonder though if I wasn't a christian, can I do the final act and end all the pain and NOT be selfish to me for once. Suicide can never be an option but when you are in this place the pain to endure each day is too overwelming. The one day at a time is enough to make me throw up. I am sorry this is sounding way too negative for me to even hear so I will stop myself and hope not offend or scare you off. Maybe we can be a support to each other if nothing else. Know that there is someone out there that is feeling the same as you, me.
Hope to hear from you.
Take care of you!!!
Hugs,
Lily

please GO for the inpateint care especailly if you are thinking of self harm! do not hesitate!!!!!!
i know you are scared bu tyou are important!!!
get help and be persistent and standup for yourself!

and....welcome to support groups!!!!

love
maureen

Dear friend, every setback has a reason, if you can realize and understand why these things are happening to you, it will be a big step toward recovery. You have a good heart and compassion, therefore you are going on a right direction thinking not hurt others, which means you are seeking a proper help. If you can, please say a prayer every day and God will guide you to a right path. Trust Him, and things will improve and you will have a healthy and a bright future. God bless you always.