I must say that this is a first for me. Why do we do and say things that we don't mean? When we know the repercussions.
Why does this anger exist in me?
I keep falling down and making the same foolish mistakes.
I'm not sure how this site works but I think i'm at a point where I really need someone to talk to about my problems.
I'm 33 years old and I've been with my wife since I was 18. Last year I had an affair with a co-worker and it nearly destroyed my family's lives.I was selfish and thought for all the good things brought to the table that I wasn't appreciated enough. I turned to someone else to get what I thought I deserved. After months of me telling her that I didn't love her anymore, my wife filed for divorce last January. The affair lasted a few more months before I finally realized that I was destroying my kids and the person that I loved for 13 years. We reconcilled in May and have been trying to work through the hurt I inflicted ever since. Some days are good and some days are bad, I desperatley wish that things could return to the way they were before. But I realize that those memories are not easy to get over. I have tried to do everything possible to prove my love for my wife. I really do understand that my actions were a terrible mistake and vow daily to never hurt her in that way again. And I truely mean it from the bottom of my heart. I replay the events of those months over and over in my mind and I'm so ashamed but I obsesively worry that she will realize that she doesn"t love me anymore and karma will come back around on me, and I will suffer the same hurt as I put her through. To complicate matters further, I still work with the woman. I have no feelings for her but it is a daily reminder for my wife. I fear that we will never get any closure from this issue, I am fortunate to have a very good job so picking up and leaving is not really an option at this point. Anyway my trust issues related to my mistake led me to behave horribly last night and I was very mean and disrespectful to my wife in front of my daughters. She went out and had dinner with her cousin but I drum up in my head the worst and spiral out of control from there. I was drinking and this intensified my paranoia and while this is not a good excuse I wasn't acting like myself. I fear that my insecurites and my behavior may have pushed her over the edge. I should've never behaved that way especially in front of my children. I don't know what to do anymore. I am still hurting the ones I love. I feel like my own worst enemy