I'm new to talking about this because it is still a very hus

I'm new to talking about this because it is still a very hush hush subject where I live, but I need honest raw advice from anyone who has managed to save their marriage from porn addiction. My husband and I have been together 8 years married for 4. Over that time porn has been a steady third wheel in our lives. He broke my spirit and my will with everything he would do when he would be in deep in the porn cycle. I would say enough is enough I want out and would try to leave. He would quite things would be great for a few months then he would start watching again. Then the cycle would just go around and around. He has done things like when we where hot and heavy in the bed and or new born cried I went to get her adjusted and was not gone 3 min by the time I came back he was finishing up masturbating to porn. As in no he was not just watching to stay hard. Another time he raped me in front of our 1 year old and told me if i would just give it to him when he wanted then he wouldnt have a problem with porn. The worst was when we where trying to have our son. I have medical issues with carrying babies not concieving them. It took 5 months to get pregnant. 5 months of him telling me it was my fault my body couldnt handle anymore pregnancies. We had 2 living children but I had been pregnant 5 times. In the end it was revealed we where having issues because he was masturbating up to five times a day and watching porn anytime anything upset him even if he wasnt masturbating. Fast forward. I finally get pregnant and when I was 4 months I had a feeling he had been lieing to me about it for a long time but no proof. He got into the shower and for once left his phone in the bedroom. FB messenger chimed it was a women saying hey hot stuff I am all wet and waiting can we video chat yet? By this point I was 5 years in and pregnant. He promised to change he promised to get help. He went through all the right motions. I supported him loved him through it tried everything to be there with no resentment. I wanted to do the christian thing and try all avenues before I admitted defeat. 8 months later hes watching again and lying. This cycle has gone on for years. Last year my mom was diagnosed and passed of cancer with in a month and a half. I became really depressed she was my best friend I had just turned 30. In January of this year I reached my lowest and wanted to end my life. My husband was back working out of town. Back to watching porn and video chatting women. I couldnt prove it he was deleting it but he was letting little things slip I can catch on to because we have been on this cycle for so long. I want to believe he has not ever physically cheated on me but I just dont know. I pulled myself up I had three children at home they would be the ones to find me if I killed myself. So I decided if I couldnt kill myself because of my kids then they deserved the best of me. Slowly I pulled myself out of a dark place. I still knew I still hadnt told him. For once I didnt care I only cared about making myself whole for my kids. I finally went to him two weeks ago and straight asked him for the truth when he denied it I handed divorce papers and walk away.. For once I didnt set up the counsling I didnt ask him to get help i didnt let it consume me. Now he is trying to do everything to prove to me its not worth losing his marriage over. I want to believe him I truly do but I am happy and I am scared if I dont stand my ground this time I will just continue to enable him and keep this crazy cycle going. Do I give him time to prove he is serious or is this cycle just going to continue? He has seeked his own counselor, put safe eyes on his phone, and is seeking help. I refuse to be a part of it. My biggest fear is we have a 12 year old daughter and another right behind her. Will he be the creepy dad checking out these young girls when they get 18,19,20 years old. I dont want to put my girls through that. Any advice I will take.

1 Heart

Welcome to the site and group. Try to read some of the other posts in this group to help you out. Others will reach out to you and support you thru all of this. Sending hugs your way. Stay strong.

Wow. Stay strong. Enough is enough. You and your kids deserve to be happy.

1 Heart

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