Hey guys,
I'm really sad to say that i don't feel like i'm getting anywhere I've engaged in my ED behaviours for the past week and it doesn't seem to be getting better.
i feel absolutely disgusting, I just want to lie in bed all day, I had the perfect opportunity to take my dog out for a walk both Mon and Tues but I didn't.
I hate feeling like this, where has my motivation gone? I am being to soft on myself? I still haven't figured out to say no to the ED and it really saddens me.
My therapist is fantastic and gives me great advice and every week I leave feeling refreshed, but I slip and now I've slipped so far I feel like I'm at a point of no return.
I'm ashamed to admit this but the eating has gotten so ridiculous that I am nearly afraid to go into a shop becauase I know I can't go in for just milk, or just some cereal, I always end up packing up supplies and the most fattening supplies ever.
I am destroying myself slowly and it really is starting to hurt me. I can feel fat all over me, I know I am much more than just fat and maybe it's shallow of me to think that way, and I do get on great with people, but even for my physical and mental health this isn't good.
If you feel as if you let yourself down, the next move would be to pick yourself back up and get on track. Everyone has slip ups.....everyone. I'm sure any of these women will tell you that no longer how long they have been in recovery, its natural to slip up. No one is perfect and no one expects you to be.
You know what needs to be done to get yourself back on track, all it will take is the desire and strength to tell ed that you wont be his victim anymore. You can do it,I know you can :)
Hey Lilac,
Thanks, it feels like I've really given up or something and it really saddens me when I feel like that.
I know what I have to do, but I am afraid to face those overwhelming emotions, it is a scary place to go.
I know I can do it, I just don't know where my willpower for me has gone. I will keep trying.
Moongal....have you considered getting some specific treatment, such as a residential program or a partial program, where you can get help with all aspects of the eating disorder? It would be wonderful gift to give yourself! The longer you fight this, the more defeated you will feel. Please look into treatment for YOUR sake.
Take care...Jan ♥
I totally agree... It sounds like you need more support than you are receiving... Recovery is sooo not about willpower! And fighting a battle like this is exhausting, both physically and emotionally... It's depression-inducing... Leading to more behaviors... :0/ Would you consider more help? Could you talk to your therapist about it?
Hey guys,
Thanks, I duno if I could afford that, but I could look into it furthur. BED really isn't that widely accepted in Ireland and the fact that I'm not at deaths door doesn't really help when seeking residential treatment.
It's just like I'm on this round and round track, and I know it's not about getting on a diet, I'm very mindful about that, as that is another way that my ED spirals out through months of exercising like crazy and eating the minimum. At the moment I binge about 4 days a week on average.
I keep wanting to ignore my body, and hide it, but if I keep going like this I will have to start buying larger clothes.
I will talk with my therapist this evening, she is very good and I think the work she is doing with me is very helpful, maybe it is me that is not helping myself???
I am sorry you have slipped. I did too last week. It was awful. But you can pull back out! You can!I did. Its hard and I am trying, its a struggle, but it is possible. And there is no point of no return. With will you are able to! You can.
Hey Allee,
Thanks for the encouragement, I think I have to go back to the basics of my recovery roots, more journalling, I think I am so afraid to be alone with my thoughts that I won't allow myself to just be alone for one second, which is kind of telling in itself.
It's like all I have is bad days really. If it weren't for the anti-depressants I think emotionally I would feel a lot more depressed.
I will try allow myself to feel more.
I am sorry you had the slip, but from your posts I recognise you are a fighter, stay strong.
Hey thanks,
I went to therapy and she was really helpful and gave me a few guidelines to follow. So hopefully these will work...she asked for me to not pressure myself either.
It's going to be a hard emotional week I know it will but I know it will be worth it.
Thank you so much for the support.
Love to you
Moongal x
moongal, Maybe your answer isn't within ED, maybe it's in "habit".
THE POWER OF HABIT
I am your constant companion.
I am your greatest helper or your heaviest burden.
I will push you onward or drag you down to failure.
I am completely at your command.
Half the things you do you might as well turn over to me,
And I will be able to do them quickly and correctly.
I am easily managed; you must merely be firm with me.
Show me exactly how you want something done,
And after a few lessons I will do it automatically.
I am the servant of all great individuals
And, alas, of all failures as well.
Those who are great I have made great
Those who are failures I have made failures.
I am not a machine,
Though I work with all the precision of a machine
Plus the intelligence of a human being.
You may run me for profit or run me for ruin;
It makes no difference to me.
Take me, train me, be firm with me,
And I will put the world at your feet
Be easy with me, and I will destroy you.
Who am I?
I am habit!
Author Unknown
You didn't get "yourself" down, "habit" got you down.