I'm not sure if this is an achievement - but I managed to avoid my biggest trigger food today. Why I'm not sure if it's achievement is that I had to lie to my parents in order to be able to get rid of it.
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It's a very good achievement! It's tough to live with somebody (especially parents) when you have ed. I lied to my mother for about 10 years, she did't know I was binging and purging. I am so happy I managed to tell her 1 year ago. I live with my husband and I lie to him now. I hate lying, but I am so ashamed to tell him that I still binge eat (not purge anymore). And I stopped beating myself up for that. If you are not ready to tell truth - don't do it and don't beat yourself up. It is still a progress no matter what.
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I never lied to my parents, so always when I do it (and all lies I ever tell them are to cover up bulimia) I feel like yet another part of me died. I do not feel ready to tell them the truth - I have been dancing around it, but when it comes to letting it out of the mouth, I find myself unable to put it in words. And all the possible consequences SCARE the **** out of me.
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@theendofit I know how scary it is. I’ve been there. I feel the same, because I feel I need to tell the truth to my husband as well. However, I remember the time when I opened up to my mother. Something had changed and I was ready. It was scary of course, but I was 100% ready and I felt I wanted to share. What are the possible consequences?
Well, this year I moved out. I live on my own now, and it was a way to prove to my family and to myself as well that yes, I CAN take care of myself. Telling them about bulimia will blow that up. It will expose me as someone who cant be alone with herself. Not to even mention the pain it will cause my mum... she's been through a lot and is not a happy woman, she does not deserve to be hurt even more. I'm afraid she'll be blaming herself. Our family always tried to act like everything is ok on outside while our relationships were a mess in fact.
@theendofit I felt the same. However, when I told my mom, the thing that hurt her the most was that I was hiding it from her for so long. She was hurt that I was afraid to tell her, because this made her feel like a bad mother. Not the fact that I had bulimia, but the fact that I have been hiding it all from her and didn’t want her help. You see, my mom is neurologists, so for her it was really painful that I hided that problem from her. She was happy that I told her though. She told me that now everything made a lot of sense to her…my mood changes, my strange behavior, she felt it all the time, but she did’t know what was the reason of it.
I've never told anyone that I'm a binge eater. But I do not hide and eat. So whenever I eat, I'm in full view of my family. My husband doesn't think I'm a binge eater. He thinks I am normal. But I am not. I know this is a demon that I wanna get rid of. Stay strong.
@saedah I also rarely hide when I eat. They see it, but noone brings anything up, no one put two and two together it seems. I do not know if I hope someone will, and what would I do if someone does. I think that if they did and asked me about bulimia, I’d be able to deny it. Deny something so obvious to me.
I read some books by geneen roth, who's a pioneer in authoring emotional eating. So i followed the steps she prescribes in her books. Within days i improved and in just a couple of months emotional eating was a thing of the past. The basic thing is to allow yourself to feel your emotions instead of eating them. Because if you eat them down you are left with 2 problems. The enotional problem and now the guilt of having over eaten and the consequence of being overweight. Hence sit with your feelings and feel them and not eat them. When i first did that i remember i had a huge tub of ice cream with me. I was crying and there was ice cream and all i wanted to do was eat it. But i decided to let myself feel the sorrow and cry instead. Those were the first steps that helped me break free from emotional eating. We humans are so complexed. Lol.
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@saedah Sounds like something I wanna try. Were you always able to identify what emotion it was that you needed to eat down?
I guess... that with this, when not using food to beat those feelings, and now suddenly facing them, you need to find a way to cope with them, other than food. As for me... I am not sure, I have never looked at my binges from this point of view, I usually see them as result of long starvation - but I noticed lately they've been turning into something else. I will definitely try your advice and pay attention to my emotions when binge urges come. To see if it might be a way I wanna use to cope with an emotion. A lot has happened in my life emotionally and I am not sure what triggered my ED back into life and made it so brutal this time, it came like an avalanche, in one big package containing years. It feels like Pandora's box.
I feel you. Like me, you could have more than 1 eating disorder. Perhaps when you evaluate your emotions and help yourself heal your emotional eating may disappear. For me they went away long ago. But my urges to binge continued. Binge urges are different for me. They are not tied to any emotions. They just come and take me over and before i know it i have already eaten till my tummy hurts.
@saedah So it is 2 different things for you? Binge eating and emotional eating? How do you tell them apart? I get that emotions are behind emotional eating, but where are binges coming from? Hm, I will analyse mine and see - will it be ok if I send you a message on how it went? I think it’d help me to stick with the plan.
Yes i always thought i had just one problem. An eating problem. then i learned i ate for emotional reasons and conquered emotional eating. Then i realised that i wasn't emotional eating anymore but I was still eating huge amounts of food when i wasn't hungry. And these episodes of eating were always urgent, hurried, needed my immediate attention. Like i needed food and needed it now. And from there i learned that i was also a binge eater. So yes. It was 2 separate issues for me. Yes you can send me a private message.
Alright ladies it's almost midnight where I am. Going to bed now. Send me a pm if you wanna keep in touch or we'll discuss this tomorrow. Good night!
@saedah goodnight and thanks for the useful tips!
i want to spend one binge-free day as well...
@nenerat @nenerat I just woke up and my 4th day has just started. They say the 4th day is the worst, so I try my best to prepare myself for a struggle. You can spend one binge-free day, trust me. Please learn how to listen to the “voice in your head telling you to binge” without acting on it and you will be able to do it.
You can. I'm on my 3rd day now. It is possible! Good luck.
@saedah well done, I am 4 days today and feeling hopeful that can continue