I'm so glad that I have found this support group. I feel for each and every one of you and can identify with the pain that you are going through. The more I read, from articles and through here, makes more self aware. I now understand that my mother was/is a full-blown narcissist. I always thought she was just an alcoholic- not that that isn't bad enough, but this on top of it explains why I am such a tormented soul and the wounds never heal. I have been in relationships with two narcissistic men, I guess because it feels comfortable and I have grown accustomed to the abuse. I suffer from alcoholism, and no matter how hard I try to work the AA program, I keep relapsing. I could never understand why my mom seemed to have no heart and soul. She would tease me, make fun of me, mock me, and verbally abuse me. When she wasn't doing that she would totally ignore me. I would cry for hours and hours in my room and she would never come in and talk to me. She never worked, she thought she was above that. She had a sense of entitlement- especially for money and jewelry. She despised other ethnic groups, and was always complaining how they were taking away "her" country. She belittled my father and made him feel like he wasn't good enough for her and that he wasn't providing her with what she deserved. She would say terrible things about our relatives, and when it was time for them to die she made sure that she and my dad got all of the money and her children got nothing. She would make them change their wills on their deathbed. All she did was talk about herself and was never concerned for anyone else. She manipulated people with money, and when we didn't behave as she wanted she would take it away. She once wrote me a letter that said "too bad I spread my legs at the wrong time of the month. At least I didn't flush you down the sink, now did I?" Who says that to their own child? She was a cold fish. She could barely show affection and refused to have sex with my father. I guess she must have felt some kind of guilt because she did pay for my rehab. When I got back from rehab and was very happy- I went to see her, and the first thing she said to me was "we have got to fix that tooth of yours". Because I didn't look the way she wanted me to. I could go on and on with examples but these are the ones that stick out. My counselor at rehab told me I suffer from PTSD. I have managed to stay away from my mother and her sick manipulative games, but then I continue the pattern and date narcissistic men. I wish I could shut the latest man out of my mind and heart, like I have my mother. I keep thinking in the back of my mind if he would just love me then I would be happy.
Fortunately I never stayed long enough in the relationship to receive full blown abuse. My daughter who studied psychology in college labeled him as a sociopath, but I think he is a Narc. Either way, when things got too painful I was always able to get out of his grips. I see right through him and I think he knows that so I think he has given up on THIS narcissistic supply. Now I just have to make sure I am never tempted to go back!
"too bad I spread my legs at the wrong time of the month. At least I didn't flush you down the sink, now did I?" Wow. This is awful! . You're catching on!! We "need" these nasty little voices in our heads. "Sure.. works good? Kids good? Yeah... but you're still gaining weight huh?" We unconsiously replace them with someone else. I handled the parents.. and the guys! Did it! Done! No more of that. Then I realized a friend had sneaked in there. I'm so glad you're here. Keep reading and learning. There is a youtuber.. Ollie something.. with a narc mom that sounds like yours. Get some therapy! You deserve better than this! You'll get there :-) Check out lucyrising.com It helps a lot!
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