Hello everyone,
I am 21 days clean. I have been using cocaine for most of my life- started doing lines and freebasing when I was 16, moved up to crack by the time I was 19, and I have had an on again, off again relationship with cocaine over the last 15 years. Been very good at weaning myself off adn staying away from bad influences. I have always kept myself employed, never seemed to have had that typical 'bottoming out'...was always a functioning binge user. Or so that's how it felt.
I found myself surrounding myself with friends that only did coke, even found a coke bar where everyone does it and you could find a plethora of dealers hanging out there. Lost interest in most of the hobbies I used to enjoy, was one of the unfortunate addicts that gained weight! I have a metabolism that requires me to excercise or I gain weight, and I ballooned up to 229 lbs.
Since quitting, I have started working out 6 days a week and have lost 16 lbs over the last 3 weeks. I have always enjoyed excercising, and I am very proud of the results that I am seeing thus far.
I realize that I am turning 40 next year, a year that I do not want to continue this wreckless lifestyle. I am so tired of looking at myself in the mirror and seeing a person I don't like. I am tired of beng fat and not having the energy to do anything about it because I stayed up partying...again. I am tired of not accomplishing the personal and professional goals I have set for myself because I'm whacked out of my head. And I'm tired of seeking out friends and lovers that are attracted to this lifestyle.
I am currently in a relationship, 9 years now, to a man that I have shared my addiction with. We are trying to beat this together, but there are days when it is extremely difficult. All of his early sexual experiences were on coke, and they were pretty wild, he has literally no starting point when it comes to having a real, intimate sexual relationship with a woman he loves and giving love because that's what you want to give. as well as his libido is at zero right now, which is very troublesome to me. I have a very strong libido and know what it's like to have sex with someone I love without drugs, and even the thought of me touching him in any kind of loving way turns him off, he wants it rough and uncaring, and is trying to be more of the man I want, but it has been really tough over the last 3 weeks. I'm really struggling here...I want to have sex with him, but I don't want to have to resort to drugs to get it, but we fight every time the subject comes up. I'm not ready to throw in the towel, but I don't know where to go with this.
We were very close to hitting a 'home run' today, and because I was breathing on his neck (sorry to be so graphic) he got turned off...
I am very happy with my and our progress of being sober for 3 weeks now, and look at every day as one step at a time, one day at a time, but I'm wondering where do we go from here...do I stop trying to have sex with him until he's ready, or do I give up knowing he's been this way for so long that he might never change?