I'm new here and this is my first post. I'm hopeful that I can connect with someone who will understand what I'm going through. I don't want to make this too long. So last week while talking on the phone with my sister I set a boundary with her - I don't want to talk about my mother (she's a narcissist too). I'm sick of discussing her and going on and on about her when I know she will never change. My sister suddenly went quiet and hung up on me. Then she called back screaming and accusing me of "talking down to her" and blaming me for all of the so called "crimes" I have committed against her going back to when we were little kids. I thought she cared about me the same way I care about her. Meanwhile she has been harbouring this massive grudge against me that I didn't know about. She always wants to know all about my problems but is secretive about her own life. She loves telling me what I should do and now when I've finally put up some boundaries and have refused to let her define who I am she goes ballistic on me and basically says she won't talk to me again. Of course since then she has given me the silent treatment. I feel totally betrayed and shocked.
I am so sorry hun. It hurts when someone in your family blinds sides you that way. Do you know what made her flip a switch like that?
@Renee5 Thanks Renee, I think it happened because I set a boundary with her and wouldn’t let her tell me what to do.
@MovedOn Thank you. I’m sorry you had to go through that with your friend. But it’s true, you can cut a friend out of your life for good but it’s tough with family. Thankfully she doesn’t live in the same city as I do so I don’t have to see her except maybe once a year. She is definitely “Psycho” - this came right out of left field. She is so phoney and fake with everyone that no one believes she would do that. My adult kids think I should apologize to her and say that I must have done something to set her off. There’s no way I’m doing that. She has given me the silent treatment many times and won’t respond to my texts etc. and I never know why. Usually I have apologized for whatever she thinks I did but I won’t this time. She wouldn’t communicate with me for three months because I answered a text from someone I was meeting later that day while I talking to her on the phone. She said I was rude for not giving her 100% of my attention. I feel like she has burnt the bridge with me this time. I can’t trust her and I know she is s**t talking me to everyone she knows. She is actually the one who talks down to me and thinks she is better than me. She thinks she
has all the answers and that she knows me better than I know myself!
That is a painful shock to your core - especially when it's your sister. If you thought you had a bond of sisterly love, trust, and loyalty, then all of a sudden she blasts you with numerous "crimes" - that's really rough. Did you ever have signs that she was harboring a grudge? Something like this happened to me with a person I loved and supported 100% and only had positive feelings about. This person had to try to invent a "crime" to justify irrational behavior. It felt extremely toxic. I set an internal boundary and decided I would only allow this person back in my life if certain things took place. It was absolutely the right thing to do in my case. It turned out this person I looked up to had some serious personal struggles and was extremely toxic to a few others as well. I had to grieve this relationship and it was extremely hard for a while. But then life goes on and eventually it always gets better.
I hope that your sister will come to you showing some sort of remorse for verbally blasting you with the all the crimes throughout the years. But, you can't count on it. Keep in mind that in a healthier relationship, she would talk with you about 1 or 2 things that bothered her rather than trying to shame and hurt you by coming up with a laundry list of "crimes" that spans years. Going forward with her or anyone else, I would ensure that you only engage in arguments or confrontations with family that are more constructive and fair. For example, you can someone that you're willing to listen but you want to keep things simple and constructive. You can agree on a time to talk, and address only 1 or 2 issues at a time. If things get abusive or too heated, you can end the conversation and re-schedule for another time. Hugs to you.
Thank you Karinah. I’m so sorry that you have also had to go through this pain with someone you cared about and trusted. It’s a real blow to a person’s heart and it makes you question reality. Looking back I see many red flags with my sister. I’ve trusted her when I really shouldn’t have. In our very dysfunctional family all we have ever had is each other. What is so difficult about a “covert narcissist” is that they seem so caring and loving that you want to believe they’re genuine. This blow-up is the last thing I expected from her. I’ve recently read about and have also watched many videos about narcissists and realized the covert description totally fits. She is usually very closed and secretive about her life and has only ever wanted to discuss my problems. I think she likes the fact that I have so many problems and she wants to give me the impression that her life is ‘picture perfect’. She gets some kind of satisfaction from this. Within the past few months she “slipped up” and told she is having marriage problems. I’ve been supportive, listened to her and have tried to be there for her. I think she regretted telling me as it shattered the image she wants me to have of her life and as a result she needed to back off from me so she found a way to cut me off. I have done some journaling about this and have found it has helped me to make sense of it to some extent. It is crazy making because it has me questioning myself and thinking about what I might have done to cause this. Unfortunately I know my sister well enough that it is highly unlikely that she will apologize or contact me. She has never admitted she is wrong about anything - she consistently blames everyone else for what has gone wrong in her life.