I'm super new to this. I've always thought about reaching ou

I'm super new to this. I've always thought about reaching out online before, but never have. Today, I hit that point though. I'm married. Have been for a little over 2 years. We've been together for over 11 years. He's struggled with addiction for a long time. It's been up & down. He's not addicted to anything illegal now. He was in the past, but no longer. I'd rather not get into what he's addicted to now. It's something common though. He knows he is addicted. He's started the process of getting off it. He's weaning himself down. It's....rough. The catalyst was him finally realizing that if he wanted a family & a future he has to stop. Our relationship has always been a bit one sided. There's a lot more give on my side than his. A lot more take on his side than mine. He freely admits it. He beats himself up over it. Coming off this substance he's on right now, he's dealing with intense depression/anxiety. On top of some blood pressure issues & he's been struggling with low testosterone (which has put our ability to get pregnant on hold). His boss at work is an extreme bully. But, he's one of the few people in the industry who has steady work throughout the entire year. So he's sticking it out. He's an apprentice electrician & has about 1 1/2 more years until he can get his license & find another place. I get he's stressed. I get the anxiety/depression. I suffer from some severe depression/anxiety. I'm a 2nd year teacher in a state that is ranked last in education & in a community that is exceptionally poor. My mother is a hypochondriac & about 10 gallons of crazy in a 5 gallon bucket. My father is fighting cancer & slowly losing. I'm at my wits end. My husband, Scott, is withdrawn. Easy to lose his temper. I get my head chewed off if I forget to put something in his lunch, that I get up & make every single **** morning. A few weeks ago, he was suppose to come up to my school & help me with a few things. He ended up backing out last minute. It made me upset, but I decided to just pick my battles & move on. We were having a good night. Joking, laughing. He jokingly made a comment that I was cutting out laminated labels too loudly. I jokingly said I wouldn't have to be loud if he had done it for me earlier. That set him off. I ended up driving 20 mins to my best friend's house in tears. I had hurt his feelings. I returned an hour later & he was asleep. I cried myself to sleep at 2 am. He's sent me ****** text messages because I didn't respond quickly enough when he couldn't find something he needed for work. I get ****** texts if I take too long to reply to any text messages. He rarely initiates the "I love you". He'll say it back if I haven't pissed him off. I embarrass him in public. I couldn't get him to tell me what he wanted for dinner one night in the store & I got short with him. He was livid. Wouldn't speak to me. He ended up having a panic attack when we got home. I calmed him eventually. But then I got upset because the last time I had a panic attack, he yelled at me & told me I was being stupid. I told him this. He got upset & started berating himself. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know this is temporary. It doesn't feel temporary though. His last serious bout with depression/anxiety led to him being a recluse in out apartment for a year. His mom finally pulled him out of it & we moved near our families again. That was 4 years. I am terrified we are moving that direction again. I know he's struggling. I know he's trying. But I have needs to. It feels like I have to turn off my emotions. I have to make do because I can't go to him. I can't turn to my husband when I'm hurt. I can't turn to him when the world feels like it's crashing down. The old wounds of not having anything close to the wedding I wanted have been drudged back up again. He makes me feel petty when he finds out I still feel hurt but it. He doesn't understand that it's hurtful for me that he spent $7 on my wedding rings. They are fake. It makes me feel worthless. Why didn't he want to work hard to give me something nice? I work hard to get him something special for his birthday or chirstmas. He doesn't do the same for me. He took me to dinner this year for my birthday. That was a step in the right direction. He hasn't bought me a christmas gift for 10 years now. I hate the holidays now. I feel like I don't matter to him. But he tells me I mean everything to him. He just doesn't show it. I feel stupid for letting my self worth get tied up in how somebody else sees me. I'm just so tired of feeling alone and hopeless. I just can't do this on my own anymore.

Bottom line, do you even want to be with him anymore?

@CKBlossom Yes, I do. I’m just tired of struggling. I’m tired of all the crap we have to deal with. I’ve thought of leaving though. I don’t know where I would go, where he would go, what we would do. It just breaks my heart. I’m tired of the downs. I’m ready for the ups.