I'm trying to keep in a good headspace with everything that'

I'm trying to keep in a good headspace with everything that's going on in my life currently but it just feels like things are constantly getting worse. I feel like I should start by saying I come from an abusive household on my bio-mothers side, it left me with some pretty bad anxiety and PTSD. thankfully I no longer live with her, however, I do still live with my father who is far from father of the year. for years I could at least push through all the screaming at me if I made a mistake even if it did often cause panic attacks because of my past. lately, he's gotten worse, he's getting violent, not quite hitting quite yet but still violent enough to be concerning. he was pissed off and refused to stop forcefully taking something out of my adoptive mother's ( she is my brother's bio mom but she's essentially mine as well, as she raised me since I was like 8-9ish) hand bending her fingers back so bad he very well could have broken it with a tad more pressure. he ended up leaving for a few days with the only family car he didn't wreck even though he has no license and really shouldn't be driving. I was out with my brother's mom shopping because we finally got the vehicle back and were in desperate need of food because nothing we had could be made into an actual meal and stuff to pack in case we needed to make a run for it if my dad got any worse. we get back to find the house empty until my dad finally returns home with my little brother, we find out that my dad was cheating on my brother's mom because my brother saw him kissing this woman. at this point, my brother is incredibly uncomfortable because he knows what my dad did was wrong and he feels very uncomfortable with the woman our dad was with, and my mom (not bio mom) is so stressed she physically can't keep any food down and gets physically sick. my dad breaks up with her a few days later and my mom's only request was he not bring the woman over until we get a chance to move out. a few days later my mom tells me that this woman my dad is with has been previously arrested for assault which immediately pisses me off seeing as my dad was perfectly fine bringing my brother around her and even bringing her into our home knowing my past and that my bio-mothers boyfriend was often physically violent with me. well anyways fast forward a week or so and we're coming home and see this van in our driveway, we decide to wait in the truck until they leave because my mom was uncomfortable around the woman my dad had over. they start to leave and keeps trying to hug my brother who was CLEARLY not wanting to be hugged, so my mom steps in to tell him he doesn't need to hug her. apparently comforting her child REALLY pissed this lady off and she's all " don't tell him that, don't make him not like me" my mom just tells her to not talk to her politely. this sets this lady off and she insults my mom, this is when I step in and promptly start cussing her out for insulting the woman who is more of a parent to me than my biological parents. this woman starts to insult me like a 4th grader and telling me to fight her and then saying that I'm probably too fat to do so when I know **** well if I had actually stepped out of the truck to do anything she probably would have hightailed it out my way. now a decent father would have stepped in the minute someone started to insult their kid and broken up with them on the spot and made them leave the house, especially if the situation at hand had so many triggers for said kid. that being said, my father said absolutely nothing and left with this woman when she finally drove off. now 2 weeks after the fact he comes home walks up to me and tells me that I F-ed up things for him and that woman because I cussed her out and asked if I was happy. this promptly set me into an anxiety attack that I just barely kept from becoming a panic attack. it's getting so hard to deal with everything in life right now I feel like I just have to constantly brace for another outburst. I just want out before things get any worse

Hi, not sure what your age is but you've already been thru so much. What you are describing as your home life is extremely dysfunctional of course -but I commend you for writing it out very articulately -you should look into journaling, poss writing as a direction you could take?
Anyway, sounds like your dad is quite possibly heavy duty Narcissistic personality bent on avoiding any kind of family-life responsibility -like understanding how to care for his kids. Your instincts seem correct -he has no business shaming /blaming you for a situation HE created! Typical NPD behavior.
Sorry it put you into a tailspin of anxiety but the whole atmosphere is toxic. The fact that he's parading all these women thru your family life, expecting you to instantly adjust...so confusing, frustrating I'm sure.
Not sure of his addictions but the fact that he's not figuring out how to make sure there are consistent meals, non-violent atmosphere, is very troubling. Is there anyone else you can go to, talk with -school social worker, a trusted church Youth leader? You need help before this escalates to a point of no return.
Do some deep breathing, to help you with the panic.
Pray -ask for help from God/ Universe to direct you to positiveness.

1 Heart

@Littlesis7 I’m currently 18 going on 19 here in a few months. my dad had moved us into a city where the only connections we have are people who would most likely take his side. as for people to go to we’ve talked to a relative of hers who is going to help us move when a house opens up in a price range we can work with in another city, sadly we don’t have much to work with, although I am looking into working to help get us out of this situation, I just need to get necessary stuff situated first. until then I’m working odd jobs to get us some stuff we’ll need to move. at this point, until I can get a stable enough job to rent a house for us or they get stuff situated I’m not entirely sure what else to do, which is a whole new bundle of stress for me. I just know that the sooner we’re out the better. especially for my brother, I’m saying this as someone brought up in a bad environment it’s not exactly the best for your mental health and I want to keep him safe from that. as for my dad’s addictions, he smokes a TON of weed, like he needs to be constantly high and he is the worst to deal with when sober, he’s very easily angered when he hasn’t smoked in a bit. in the past, he was okay at keeping food in the house but as of the last 2 months he’s been gone too often to restock or he just doesn’t care. but yeah just kinda feeling stressed and lost so I figured I’d give the support groups a try. I got the link about a year ago and figured this was as good a time as any.