In a cycle

My self esteem is non exisitent and right now I do not have positive feelings towards myself. I feel like I will never be good enough for anyone.

i realize im in my cycle of craziness where i freak out in my head and blow things way out of proportion assuming the worst about those who care for me.

My head is spinning my heart is hurting. I am trying and have been succedding in doing very positive things for myself but right now I hurt. I am uspet over something I can not do ANYTHING about-have no control over it. It is not something I even want but its symbolic of what I want over all.

I wish I could turn my thoughts off. I wish I wasnt so upset. but I am and I feel here this site is the only place I can say that.

I am still doing well no ED behaviors. Going to go to a friends house later to watch a movie, hoping that distracts me. but I am really concerned for when i come home later tonight. I know my mind/thoughts will be racing.... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

so frustrated, angry and whatever other adjective you may like.

fg

FG,

I'm sorry your hurting so much right now... I know how the depression can be so overwhelming... If you can follow a plan for eating for now, and trust that eventually you will feel better about yourself... Therapy really helps... I know I'm preaching to the choir... ;0) Gentle reminder. ♥

Love,

Jen

Hi Jen thanks for the support.

My eating is completly fine right now and I am reguraly excisersing so all thats great.

I allow my thoughts to run away. I've noticed that it usually starts later in the day... Not exactly sure why but the thoughts and feelings just suddenly rush up on me most of the time out of no where.

So when I posted last night I was in the midsts' of all that but posting and going to my friends house to watch a movie really helped calm me down and distract and decrease the intensisty of my feelings. Which is reinforcement that there are options for when I am feeling so overwhelmed.

Today has been an up and down day. Started the day in a cranky mood then it lifted and it was fine till about an hour ago when the feelings of anxiety and thoughts just hit. so gonna see what I can do to turn things around because this is not how i wish to spend my evening feeling.

thanks for always supporting

fg

Hey fg,
I am unsure as to which ED you are suffering from. I suffer from BED and I find my mind get a bit "crazy" at times when I want to eat the most, it's my body saying - stuff down these emotions you don't want to feel this. But it's very good for us to feel these feelings and sure it doesn't feel good but once you get through them you start to let them go and move on from them.

So in a way this could be your body and mind shedding the really bad feelings you are expressing. And it is ok to be hurt, it is ok to angry, it is ok to be upset because that was always in you, you were just using a different coping mechanism. This will pass.

Congratulations on doing so well so far, you seem to have your eyes firmly set on the prize. I'm so happy for you.

Love to you
Moongal x

Thanks moongal!

I also have BED and yes for the first time in a very long time my eyes are very firmly on the prize. The determination I feel is strong and is helping me from binging. I honestly can't say the last time I binged. I also am exercising regulary and hard. and I feel the difference in my body when it has been properfly fueled and i like it.

your correct in the past i did use different coping mechanism I ate, and ate, and ate.

one of the biggest differences I see in my recovery right now is the control over my thoughts. I know that is contradrative to my original post. but i know i can stop myself from spiraling down if i need to and if i do spiral its becuase i allowed it to happen.

I also am working on undistorting my distorted thoughts and like you said its okay to be angry, hurt, or upset. that is how i feel. and feelings are feelings and instead of hiding from them or more correctly trying not to feel them through ED behaviors. I am sitting with them and using them to make the changes I need to make.

to be honest I do not like to make posts like this past one but it helped so although I felt I was whining and well whatever. it helped..

anyway I truly appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts.

be well

fg

Hey fg,
Often my feelings during recovery waver up and down, side to side. I still haven't gotten to the stage where i can say ok i am now x amount of time binge free, but I am working on myself a bit more, which is helping a lot.

And I am trying to sit with these emotions and realising sitting with feelings is a healthy thing. Because I held everything down with my ex for the longest time the last arguement we had was explosive, and he deserved every word and i don't regret it one bit:)

So i am getting there, slowly but steadily. Keep up the good work and keep working on your own feelings too that will help ensure long term happiness.

Love to you
Moongal x