In the past 24hours, I have worked on forgiveness and today,

In the past 24hours, I have worked on forgiveness and today, I feel free. I have forgiven my narc - not because what he did was ok, but because I deserve to be free. Free of the anger, that one time was so uncomfortable, but recently had become just my 'new way'. That is not who I am, I do not want, nor will allow that negativity to affect my aura any longer. I thank him of the gift of pain and anger, however just because someone wants to give you a gift, you do not have to accept it. So thanks, but no thanks. Now I am free

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Would you like to share with us how you forgave the Narc? Because the way I did it wasn't very healthy. I burned her straight out of my heart with anger and wrath. And that left a deep stain on my heart that has taken a long time to clean up.

How did you manage to find forgiveness?

@AugWrath Trust me, I had a lot of anger, a LOT. But anger has never been comfortable for me, but when I started enjoying the anger, started liking it, thats when I realized i had a choice to make: I could let him change me, I could go hanging on to the one thing he left behind, or I could let it go. And at that point, I realized the anger no longer served me. I am not saying what did was in any way ok, or in anyway justifiable, for truly it was not. But I also looked at him differently, I saw he tried, in his limited way. And perhaps more importantly, I see him for who he is. It has been 2 months. 2 months of a LOT of talk therapy - with a professional, and with my friends and family to get to this point. there are also a lot of books out there - “how can I forgive you” I have this book, have not read it yet though.

I need help with forgiving him. Currently, I hate Him and it's not in my nature so it worries me.

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@PNDRG I am the same way. I had never had so much anger, so much prolonged anger at one person before. I could not stand it. It fluctuated between anger, and physical pain. And then, yesterday, I decided I no longer wanted to be a slave to the anger any more. I see him for what he is. At one time, I had hopes, and belief in him, and now I see he will never change. He is stuck. And I am free. I also want to share my life with someone, and I know I cannot find the right one if I am too in love with my anger for someone who, in the end, did not love me.

Good job! I'm feeling pretty free myself. I am moving on with my life and am actually happy again. I rarely think about him. I dont hate him. I dont forgive him...I nothing him. I am not angry. Being without him & that relationship is so much better. Yeah, I know...the forgiving thing. I should, right? Nah. Im not gonna. My son's dad was mean to me for years...we broke up when my son was a baby. My son is 18 now, his dad & I get along well finally. Do I forgive him for how he treated me? Nope. But its ok...im not harping on it, it doesnt hurt me. Goes against most & even my own prior beliefs but its true.

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This is something I am having trouble with. I know that I have read you do not need to forgive the person that hurt you exactly, but that forgiveness is for yourself and is a 'letting go' of all of the hurt and anger. I just can't seem to get there and I want to, just so that I can truly move on peacefully. I think what is keeping me is that the abuse is still occurring via working on separation agreement/custody. I have definitely gotten to the point where I can anticipate his antics and they don't affect me like they used to. However I am truly struggling with the fact that he cost be a biological child I desperately wanted. I never got to feel life growing inside me because of him. I own my part - I could have/should have forced him to get help instead of being the loving, supportive wife, but he watched me go through agony, sent me to fertility appointments I didn't need, watched me cry myself to sleep every month through 7 years of hell trying to get pregnant and then the gruelling process of adoption all the while knowing he was causing me that agony and letting me blame myself (due to impotence because of a hidden paraphilia). I can't get past that. I just can't. I don't know if I ever will. I hope someday I will find enough peace that I can just let that pain heal and go. We've only been separated 6 months so it's still early days I guess. It's just unfathomable to me that someone I loved could knowingly cause me that much pain. Now he is moving in with a new supply and her 2 boys and I see the pain he is causing our son and the anger in me grows rather than fades. I so want to be able to just let it go because he does not even deserve the energy that goes with my anger. I just can't - not yet.

@Strongernow I am so sorry to hear this. I too desperately want a child, and my ex-narc knew that, he kept dangling the carrot of marriage and a family, saying he wanted those things too, only to suddenly tell me he is not in love with me, just like that. Nothing. He also has intimacy issues, and perhaps paraphilia too. So i understand the pain of that, of not loving someone who can’t love you back, who can’t show you physical love because of their own shame. Bu then my Narc went and developed relationships with other women, with no care or concern for me. Without a thought of me. And that made me feel so insignificant, that is very painful.

@halfempty75 I am so happy for the positive changes you made and thank you for sharing them here too. That helps all of us struggling in narc relationship. I'm very happy for you and I hope I can have the same strength as you.

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That's very insightful. It's a good feeling to be free. I think the gift also comes from what you can learn about life through a pathological relationship. The fact that I fell madly in love with someone who is driven to exploit others for his own gain is hard to understand and accept, but it has taught me a lot about myself and others and has given me the opportunity to make some positive changes in my life that will hopefully keep other manipulative people out. Like you, I have made a choice to stand in the sunlight and leave his dark, twisted world behind me. They are empty people but also full of anger and pain, as you said, which is a very awful combination. Glad you feel free. I hope we all get there.

1 Heart

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