Independent at 19

I will be 19 in December. My mother recently kicked me out, leaving me with nothing. The closest thing I have to "family" is my job. Everyone else? Well, they have disappeared over the years. About two-three weeks ago, I was living on the streets. I've slept in a car with no heat, on the bike trail, and have bounced from one couch to the next. I have forced myself to dance and bare my body to those watching in the audience, complete strangers getting excited over my personal being. In exchange for a bed, I have had my body taken advantage of while I was sleeping. I guess things are never really "free." I have awaken to my pants unzippered and unbuttoned, genital area moist and sore. You would think I would wake up but with all of the anxiety and stress engraved within, it has become difficult for me to awake to even a door slamming.
Unexpectedly, a friend I have known since the age of five (only hung out with a few times, but have kept in contact with over facebook) has taken me in with his family. I consider my job my family because I have never known someone to care for me as much as they do. I used to work as an independent contractor off of commission but have now been claimed on payroll as a full time admin. assist. I now make 10 an hour + commission. I have yet to receive a paycheck because I only started up again on Thursday, but he has given me an advance so I can get an apartment. I sign the lease on my apartment tomorrow. My rent will be 850 utilities included except electric.

The anxiety comes about mostly when I think long term, but even the long term has become short term. I never expected to be where i am today. Phone bill. Electric Bill. Rent. Food. Necessities. Furniture. I grew up being told that crying is a sign of weakness. Lately, it's all I do. I shake, uncontrollably. My mind repeatedly wanders about "what if". I was unable to find an apartment close to my job so now I'm stuck with a horrible transportation schedule. I will have to wake up extra early to make a bus that will take me to another stop in which it only brings me a mile from my job. It might not be a bad walk, but you figure what about when it rains or snows? There's a lot expected at the office...between the stress of my job, the stress of the new place. I cannot take it.

When I do wake up, on my own, in the middle of the night...it takes me hours to fall back to sleep because my mind races with thoughts of everything and anything.

I'm at the midst of falling into a mental breakdown.

For all the obstacles you've endured you've also accomplished so much in life at a young age would be wise to acknowledge that to yourself first off, secondly the rest will follow as you cross each bridge & knowing you will be capable of dealing w/each & ever issue that comes along. You my friend have had to grow up quickly & in the long run will be more mature & make better decisions for yourself, keep going & keep talking w/us cause we're listening to you.

Take care of you.

April

Congratulations on the apartment! I know that everything seems bad (you've been through way too much, no matter how old you are), but sometimes it helps to acknowledge what you have been able to accomplish, even if it seems small. You have a steady job and the freedom and privacy that comes along with your own apartment! I know it's hard to look at the good things. I really struggle with that myself. I also have a hard time trying to look at what the future holds. We just have to find the good that already exists in our lives and then look for opportunities to change other parts of our lives for the better.

I know with your new apartment things will start to get better (even if it takes a little longer than you'd like). Keep taking things one day at a time right now and eventually you will realize how strong and amazing you are. :-)

Yes! You know it took me until I was 24 almost 25 before I had my own place llike the bills were mine. And I am 32 now and I have had many places that were my responsibility and even in a forign country! You should feel unstoppable right now. Good for you, more good things your way.

Family, people in your life you can't choose and you can't kill. Just breathe...