Is it just our codependancy that makes us stay? Is it wantinIs it just our codependancy that makes us stay? Is it

Is it just our codependancy that makes us stay? Is it wanting to feel like we are givers, saviors, lovers? When a lover breaks trust so extremely as some of us have experienced, how do we rationalize anything at all? It like we are put in a little jail and can't get out. We, the victims, are tasked with rebalancing the world, while the horrible person we somehow love gets all the benefits of their risk taking and abuse of our hearts. What a sad world, even for those of us who have "worked it out." I must say, there was a lot of room for growth when I found out about my DDay, but there isn't enough humanity laying around in this world to not wake the **** up a ways down the road and say, over and over, that you should have left that person and not been such a weakling. That..... is how I feel. Any thoughts?

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I feel the same way, I have always said that if you ever cheat/affair on me then I am gone. I don't deserve nor tolerate that. If you don't want to be with me then leave. That being said here I am still here. I to am a caregiver for people and want to make sure everyone is ok BUT since the day I found out about his affair I have been trying to focus and care for me. It's hard as hell and I am not even sure I am doing it right. I feel like a weakling and a coward. What does this say about me? I say and believe one thing then doing the complete opposite. Wish I could be more helpful but I am with you on this. If you by some chance you figure it out please share with me. Sending you hugs and peace

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@Huelatya Welcome to SG! You will meet many wonderful people here, fondly called a SG friends. The bottom of the page is a FAQ, it will assist you in navigating the site. The top right of this page are numerous groups, also there is a Support Someone icon, familarized yourself with them. You may join as many groups as necessary. There Is an Infidelity group. SG friends are here, to support, and be supported. Be strong the best is yet, to follow.....

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I think once you find your own strength and power, you won't feel the way you feel any longer. How do you get to that point though? Well I got there with a TON of support. My relationship coach, family, friends, all helped me to realize that I was enough for me. As long as I love myself, that's truly all I need. And that's what is most important in any relationship we end up being in anyway. With my coach, I identified my needs and wants, boundaries, and my worst fears. And I know now that whatever happens, I'll be OK. And if you're choosing to try working things out, I really believe that is the tougher road to walk (even if I'm only at the beginning). I think it takes a stronger person, not a weakling, to decide to put their heart out there again and go through the super long process of recovery and growth.

3 Hearts

I had told my husband from the beginning if he cheated it's over. Then my mom cheated on my dad and he saw what my dad went through. Again I told him, if he ever cheats on me Its over. Then he cheated. And here I am, I didn't leave him. Some says it's because of the kids that they want to work on their marriage but for me Its not about the kids first. Its me. I still love him deeply and it had to be extremely broken to have done something like that. I don't trust him, and I know I'll have my trigger days. I'll always have this scar but I'm trying and I'm going to keep trying

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Same here, said I would leave if she cheated and like an idiot, I am still here. I feel stupid, weak, and just mad at myself some days for staying. It's a constant battle in my head, how can you stay with someone that did this to you, ect. I think I am afraid to lose the life I have with her and my house and the kids. It's hard to want to sign up for divorce and more misery and stress. I do love her though, hard to say why after she does this. This hurts and is terrible but I keep thinking how if I left tomorrow all the pain in my head and hurt will still be there along with the pain of divorce, me not seeing my kids, me missing my wife, me paying her all my money, me being lonely, my whole life changing. The fear of this is what keeps me here and also the fact that I love my wife.. I feel so foolish though and can't believe that I allowed someone to do this to me and am putting up with it.. This I think, is my biggest stress lately, feeling that I don't know if I did the right thing.

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@Sdiamond1026 I think you feel that way because we’ve made cheating are “hill to die on” when we’ve never been on the hill. We never thought that a situation with infidelity could be so complicated. We feel weak and stupid, when we are really strong and smart. We are trying for our kids and thinking about them,which makes us smart. We are facing tough emotions and thoughts, yet still are able to see the good in someone who has done the worst. It’s terrible and some days I want to quit but at the end of the day, I can say that I tried. Trying is something to be proud of.

I stayed with my husband who cheated. At first I did it because I felt it was a challenge to win him back. And I didn't want the other woman to be triumphant. But then I found out that I really do love him. And our union post infidelity is very comforting, rewarding, and fulfilling. I didn't really have much hope at first. I didn't think I wanted to be with someone who would sabotage me and break my heart is such a cruel way. But as time went on and we worked on our problems together, it got easier. I must say the first year was really tough. But now I feel triumphant. I do not feel weak. I feel very very strong. Everyone is different. You must go with your gut instinct. And your feelings are important. I hope that you find happiness in whatever you decide. Sending you hope, strength, hugs. God's peace.

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I just started with a new therapist, a man this time. He said she sounds like she has borderline personality disorder. He basically painted a story of how all my wife does is manipulate and that she cannot be fixed, that's her and I am in a no win situation and can't reason or negotiate with her, etc. These types can do no wrong and blame the spouse for everything. I left there feeling sad and hopeless that my marriage is over. I see everything he says and my wife fits the bill perfectly and has been manipulating me for years. They want to be taken care of and I was hand picked because I am the nurturing type. She was and is fully taken care of and still cheated. This therapist says he has been doing this for 37 yrs and he assures me it will never get better and the best thing for me to to try and start detaching myself emotionally and go in the direction of getting out of the marriage. I'm scared because I don't want to be without her but I know she is what he says and does everything he said she does. I want to hold onto some hope that she will change and see me as I am, a good person and appreciate and not take advantage and not blame me for her affair and everything else. He says, no way, it's not gonna change and it's not me, it's her and she can't help it or change it. He says she can't feel remorse even though she says she does. He says she got caught and it's all manipulation to not lose me and her free meal ticket. She uses her mental issues as power. I am really scared right now and don't know what to do. Do I stay because I love her and accept she will always manipulate me to meet her selfish needs and is not really there for me? She says she loves me but isn't feeling it for me sexually lately and is trying to get that back and thinks she will once her mental status is better and once we get further past the affair. Is that her was of manipulation to keep me reeled in while she tries to figure it all knowing fully that she will never get the feelings back like that for me? This therapist sees it over and over again and it doesn't get better and people waste their time with these manipulators who are takers and never give. Does anyone have an opinion?? His advice right now, concentrate on me, do for me, back off from doing it all for her, stop trying to talk and reason, stop bringing up the affair, stop asking and begging for sex. All to take her power over me away. Right now she is in control of me.

I hereby dedicate this song to the people that our destroyers were in innocence as children, to the loves that were before hell broke loose and are forever encased in shame. This one goes out to what has been lost. May we all find the magic required to make them all return from the netherworld. WE are good people. Don't let go of that. Thank you all.

Ani DiFranco: So What.

Who's gonna give a ****
Who's gonna take the call
When you find out that the road ahead
Is painted on the wall
And you're turned up to top volume
And you're just sitting there in pause
With your feral little secret
Scratching at you with its claws
And you're trying hard to figure out
Just exactly how you feel
Before you end up parked and sobbing
Forehead on the steering wheel

Who are you now
Who were you then
That you thought somehow
You could just pretend
That you could figure it all out
The mathematics of regret
So it takes two beers to remember now
And five to forget
That I loved you so
I loved you, so what

How may times undone
Can one person be
As they're careening through the facade of their favorite fantasy
You just close your eyes slowly
Like you're waiting for a kiss
And hope some lowly little power
Will pull you out of this
But none comes at first
And little comes at all
And when inspiration finally hits you
It barely even breaks your fall

Who were you then
Who are you now
That you can't pretend
That you can figure it all out
Subtract out the impact
And the fall is all you get
So it takes two beers to remember now
And three more to forget
That I loved you so
Yeah, I loved you, so what
I loved you, so what

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