Is my wife crazy or going through withdrawal?

I am married with 2 boys. About 5 months ago my wife said to me that she's "checked out" and the marriage is "not good enough to stay or good enough to leave". She's dropped subtle hints over the years but never to this degree. I FINALLY heard her and started a MAJOR overhaul...stopped drinking, started seeing a therapist to help me open up with my emotions, etc. I've made HUGE strides. I was fully committed to showing her my love. I believe my lack of attention drove her to that point but we did a poor job of communicating with one another over the years.

Throughout this process I could tell something was not right with her...something was telling me she had done more than just "check out". Sure enough I was correct. About 6 wks ago I discovered she'd been having an affair with someone in my social circle (who's also married with 2 kids). They claim the affair had been going on for...you guessed it...about 4-5 months.

She claims I put our relationship in a vulnerable position by not meeting her emotional needs over the course of our 11 yr marriage (I feel this is true but also realize I did not force her to make the decision she made. She owns that decision).

Since news of the affair broke I became OBSESSED with needing to know all the details. I was on her email and phone records constantly. It was driving me crazy. I made the decision to STOP obsessing. Since then I feel MUCH stronger. I'm focusing on me as oppossed to wondering what's going on in my wife's head.

Now, my wife and the OM have supposedly called off the affair and are working on their marraiges. He more than my wife. I think she's feeling rejected by him. It appears she might be going through withdrawal.

For the last few days things with us are getting "slightly better". We're separated but not entirely. On a number of occassions recently she's mentioned things we will be doing as a family in the near future (i.e. skiing over the winter, spring home improvement projects...she even asked if we were booking a trip to Disney we had talked about awile back). It's almost like she doesn't realize we could be divorced in the spring.

My question is this...is she nuts? Is she f---ed up? Is she going through so many feelings/emotions that I shouldn't believe anything she says. I don't want to get my hopes up since I want to focus on me BUT I also want to have hope that we can repair. Any thoughts?

Welcome to SupportGroups.com What you describe is that she may be doubting herself now & willing to make amends over time & try to rebuild trust issues that will take being an "Open Window" & hiding nothing. I admire you for seeking therapy & stopped drinking as this probably did wear thin in the relationship & is isolating for all surrounding the situation. You hadnt mentioned is she willing to go to therapy for herself to talk things through w/someone not close to the situation & nonjudgemental? If not would be good to suggest/offer that to her..... its a beginning.

Her talking about planning things for the future "Disney", home renovations is a good sign.

Take care of you.

April

She is seeing her own therapist, but only for about a month or so. She’s got a divorced mother of 2 who she’s been confiding in for a LONG TIME…not sure if that’s healthy?

We tried JT Counselling last Wed.(more her idea at first) but the counsellor said I was too vulnerable to handle the uncertainty of the outcome and said to wait another month. She wanted me to work more with my therapist. I think that was a blessing in disguise to let me get stronger to handle whatever the outcome will be. I think it will also help her work on her feelings too.

Hi Notsureofmyfuture,
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I as well am in a similar situation. I have been married going on 25yrs in Dec. I have no idea what my future is to hold with my husband.
I am dreading all the holidays that are coming up. When you have know idea of what your future is going to be with your spouse, it doesn't make for pleasant holidays.
If you want someone to talk to I am here for you.
Keep staying strong and things will get better.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Take care of you!
Hugs,
Lily

Thanks Lily,

So sorry to hear your news. This all S-CKS!!!

I’ve shifted my focus to me as oppossed to obsessing about the A and what’s going on in my W’s head. It’s helping A LOT. I’m focusing on getting myself prepared no matter what the outcome. Building up my self-esteem…cuz it’s been crushed. I’ll be OK and hope you are as well. Anytime you need to chat feel free.

Notsure, is probably not the best decision that your wife is talking w/divorced friend as sometimes that has a way of peer pressuring anothers perception of things so hopefully she'll decide later to discuss your personal relationship w/therapist only. Talking w/friends can sometimes bite you in the butt later on & be too overwhelming w/information overload & opinions (kinda like this site sometimes unless your a certain type of person & can handle it).

Notsure, I am a guy in a similar situation, and yes, your wife is going thru withdrawl. Think of it as the affair made her feel euphoric....the drug of a new relationship. When that is taken away, it's like a drug addict's withdrawl. My wife had done the same thing. You are doing the right thing...concentrating on yourself and not letting your wife's roller coaster of emotions take you for a ride. Also, watch out for your kids' sanity. Chances are she checked out on them too, so now you're the only parent. It sucks. I am going thru the same exact thing. Just gotta hope it gets better. And try not to listen to too many people...there are many opinions and people that like to judge others and spread rumors and say what they would do and call you foolish for not doing what they would do. Therapy is a good outlet.

guys

at the end of the day its your choice and your future u are fighting for what others say on the matter isnt important as long as u want to try to fix the problem or leave its a choice thats not made lightly and of course others are going to be biased everyone has views on everything and want to bat for their beliefs

therapy is good as it helps u see that whilst u might have cotributed to the state of affaires u are not the ones who pushed them into taking the steps they chose to take, believe me ive been married for fourty plus years and yes we flirt and exchange social kisses with the opposite sex u gotta have some fun somewhere but thats the line drawn and not overstepped although it would be flattering for both of us to be seen as objects of disire (well in the dark) thats all it would be
so i will wish u both well in your choices and hope that u get all u would wish for yourselves within this relationship

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)