Is there any hope?

I am a 31 yr. old mother of 4 beautifull children. Besides the occasional joint or beer with friends, i was never really "into" drugs that much. When i was 25 my doctor put me on percocets for really bad headaches i was having. At first, i took them exactly as perscribed..then maybe an extra 1 or 2. We all know how this story unfolds. Oxycontin was next..methadone for 3 yrs, suboxone for 6 months.. then heroin. The 1st time that i shot up, i fell in love. A love that i never felt before. A love that no matter how hard i try..i will never be able to forget. My life as been complete hell ever since. I've lost my apartment, my children, and any trust and or dignity my family and friends had for me. I have been to rehab 8 times in the last 6 yrs., have been on both methadone and suboxone and still cant seem to get this. There is NO ONE in my family or the few friends i have that can REALLY understand this desease or me. Hell, i'm not even sure i understand myself anymore. I used to be the best mom in the i see my kids for 2 hours one time a week. I just keep using more and more just to numb any feeling i have. I don't want to be sad, alone, depressed, or even happy(if i even know how to be anymore). Just numb. I was just recently in rehab again, and have already "messed up". I have been clean for maybe 5 days now(is that even considered "clean"?). Just clean enough to start to think a little clear..and i'm scared as hell. Scared to think of what i might(or will) do as soon as i get money again. I dont trust myself..and i **** sure dont trust the game. Not by any means that it is a game. Far from it. This desease killed my father and i don't want to do the same to my kids. And i know thats exactly what i'm doing. I just don't know how to stop. I mean, i know how to stop...i just can't seem to stay stopped. I can sometimes give out good advice.. i just cant seem to understand it myself. I know that i'm blabbing on and on about nothing and no doubt have confused anyone who reads this, and i'm sorry for that. If there is just 1 person who understands this and can give me ANY hope, that would mean a lot. Thanks...

Hey ashia, I just found this site and am new here but your post caught my eye because I totally know what and how your feeling. This is a pretty old post so i dont know if your still around to listen but I would love to listen to you and share some of my own experience sometime. If you can respond so i know your still around id love to talk.

Try to find a Church and join it! There is a Higher Power that can and WILL help you,but only YOU can let him in!