Although I have been taught racism is bad my mind is stuck on those stereotypes. I can't NOT think of them when I see that person. It often ends up bitting me in the butt, but I can't change how I percieve these groups.
Hi Ocdgirl, were you raised in an environment that was racist and was this something instilled in your from a young age or is this something that came to be on it own?
I was raised in an environment where we don't see color but only the person. It helped to have parents from an eclectic background and very welcoming nature of all races and religions. I hope that I can help you through this because this world is such a beautiful place when you have no discriminations.
Sweetie,
Instead of seeing sterotypes, why don't you try seeing that everyone is different. No one should be put into a box category...I don't think you could squish me into on even if you tried to be honest:)
Also try not looking at yourself as being bad. This is just something you are struggling with and are trying to deal with. you don't hate anyone.
Do you work sweetie or go to college in a multi cultural environment? If so, try befriending some of these people, like going for tea at break together and you will start to see past the exterior and into the interior.
Goodluck...peace and love
Moongal x
Hi, ocdgirl, I gather from your username that you not only suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder but also from OCD? Well, I can relate--I have both disorders too, and it is NOT FUN!!!
It's possible that your feelings could stem from the BPD, but what really strikes me about what you're saying is how "OCD" it sounds to me. NOT that I'm a doctor or anything, but it sounds so much like the way my mind works when I'm having a rough time with the OCD. Having unwanted ideas that make me think "Oh no, I must be REALLY racist to think like that"--and then I begin to feel guilty, like I'm nothing but a bigot and a very shallow person who judges ppl unfairly by their race. Because you know how OCD just LOVES to play mind-games with us, get us all twisted into knots til we're so confused we don't know WHAT we really think or believe.
If you were REALLY racist, it wouldn't bother you!! The fact that it DOES tells me that you're dealing with a pretty typical OCD fear. And as you know, the more we fear a certain thought, the stronger the fear gets.
You are NOT a bad person for having these thoughts, we ALL have them sometimes. The difference is that a person who does not have OCD can shrug off the thoughts, while we who are "fortunate" enough to have OCD (ha!) get stuck on the thoughts and begin to ruminate and convince ourselves that we really are bad, unlovable ppl.
Well, that isn't true!!! We have an ILLNESS, we never asked for it, and we can't be blamed for having it.
I truly do feel for you, I know how very painful these OCD thoughts can be. And of course having another illness, like Borderline PD, only makes things worse.
My advice, when you're plagued with these scary thoughts, is to remember it's just the OCD talking its usual nonsense. IT ISN'T YOU!!!! If you have a hobby, or anything useful that can keep your mind occupied for awhile, that often helps me to get thru a spell of this kind of obsessive thinking. Or come here and talk to us!!!
And honestly, you CAN change. It isn't quick or easy--it takes time and work, but YOU CAN DO IT!!! Altho I do NOT believe you're a racist, it sounds to me like a typical OCD obsession--you know how OCD loves to torment us with the most upsetting thing it can find! Again--if you were TRULY racist, it wouldn't bother you one bit, you'd be proud of feeling and thinking in racist ways because you'd be so convinced that it's RIGHT to be racist!
Sending you (((((((BIG HUGS))))))), ocdgirl!
Love,
Patti aka Southernbelle :-)
Wow Patti, that is really amazing insight. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and most especially for providing an outlook and standpoint from someone who also has gone through similar feelings/emotions on the whole. It's so helpful. You made such a strong valid point, if Ocdgirl was really a racist, would she be so bothered with it? Thus, it must be the OCD and BPD taking over her thoughts.