I've always been sure about my sexuality about being straight. But then when I turned 14, I began having thoughts that I might be bisexual or lesbian. I stopped worrying about it after a few months, but it keep coming back, every time more worse than before. And then I had a fear of being in love with my best friend! I didn't find myself being sexually attracted to her, I just want to hang out with her and laugh and share stories, but was able to tell myself that it was a normal friendship. I am 15 now and is more confused than ever! I'm sure that I don't find myself being sexually attracted to girls, I never had crushes on them and don't ever want to. I want to be with a man, be married to a man, have a baby with a man, grow old with a man. But every time I try convincing myself that, my brain would say "stop living a lie and embrace it!" which made me mad, because how am I living a lie if I like men!?
Since I keep repeating in my brain that I don't find myself being sexually attracted to girls, it always end up winning by confusing me. I mean, I would find it repulsive kissing people of the same sex, but it would confuse me by letting me imagine kissing a girl and not letting me have any kind of reaction, but I still don't want to do it. I'm so confused, I just want to cry by myself. And sometimes, there were even suicidal thoughts since I'm so sick of feeling this way! I began kind of distancing myself away from my friends that are girls, because I'm scared I might fall in love with them and be bisexual or lesbian! And if I am bisexual or lesbian, no one will accept me! And I probably won't even accept myself! People say that once I come to terms that I'm bisexual or lesbian, I would feel better. Even if I say to myself "I give up, you win, I'm bi", I would feel extremely horrible! Even the slightest joke about homosexuality upsets me now and people keep telling me to "experiment" since I'm bi-curious, but I don't want to! I just don't want to be forced into doing something I don't want to do!
Do not worry about it, life will manifest itself when the time is right. At the present, concentrate yourself on other things that need to be accomplish and enjoy life without this unnecessary pressure. Wishing you well. God bless you.
that is a lot of worry about something that doesn't seem to be actually true... could your concern actually be about relationships in general? anxiety over what others think of you or soemthing? if you are not gay then you are not gay, if you are bisexual then you are bisexual, if you are gay then you are gay.. I think that you are who you are... I do not think that people can TURN gay (or straight for that matter)... relax, let yourself become who you are meant to be, love yourself, be happy, love people in the way that feels natural to you and don't worry so much!