Is treatment helping me?

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
1

Hi everyone

Firstly I want to apologise for not being on here much to offer my support. I have been keeping up with everything, but I am not personally in the best place at the moment and don't feel like I am able to offer any good advice to any of you, so I have refrained from writing.

I am over half way through my treatment sessions and I don't seem to be getting any better, if anything I am getting worse. Since starting treatment I have continued to lose weight and have gone from being "underweight" to being "anorexic" within a matter of weeks. I thought that treatment would help, help me to deal with both my past issues that caused my ED and my current eating issues that hold on to my ED to get me through life, but I don't seem to be able to let go of my ED, if anything it seems to be pulling me in further and further to a point where I can't see a way out.

On good days I continue to try and be positive, to try and stick to my MP. This is so hard though. I have found that since starting my MP and trying to eat 3 times a day with a few snacks, it has given me this intense fear of eating. I have always hated food, but this fear is new to me. I fear that once I start eating, I won't stop, so I limit what I do eat and contine to eat small amounts of low fat foods. I know that this eating of low fat foods is the cause of my weight loss, but I am so scared of the not being able to stop eating once I start that I limit the amount I do eat just incase. My therapist tells me that the switch of "hating" foods to having a "fear" of foods, is a good step, I just can't see it myself. All the time I have this fear of eating, I am losing weight, all the time that I am losing weight, my ED has a tight grip and I see the weight loss as such a positive thing. I see the weight going down on my chart each week, and I have this secret happiness inside of me!! I know that this is not a good thing (because today I am feeling "ok" which is why I know this).

I am scared that I will come to the end of my treatment soon and I will be no better than when I started treatment, but then I will have no-one to help me. My past continues to haunt and scare me, but my future is now scraing me just as much.

2

Thank you for sharing...your fears are legitimate, but please remember that you have more control than you realize. The process of recovery is sometimes slow, and never linear.....very frustrating. But please continue to reach out and know that others here do understand. Take care...Jan ♥

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Thanks Jan. I sometimes don't know whether it's me being in control or whether it's ED doing the controlling. Am I the ED, is it me holding on to the ED or is it ED holding on to me? I am confused and lost. I'm not sure that I have the strength to fight to find the answers :-(

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hmmmm are you in treatment now??? if it isnt helping--i must ask---are YOU open to receiving help?? cause if YOU dont want help all the treatment in the world wont stop you from being anorexic. all the therapy in the world wont help if YOU dont want to stop. it has to come from within yourself. you have to hate and devour ED and not romatacize him. you know why? casue he can kill. ED has killed . in fact in going to visit a site where a girl died from ED... im not trying to scare you but be honest. this is not something you can LIVE with--you know? i always thought that i could live with my ED --but back in 2003/2004 it almost killed me and i was comatose for 2 years almost. i had to have nurses bath me and i could barely get food in my mouth let alone eat it.i couldnt walk or move my arms. if i were to say it was torturous that would be an understatment. i remember before i got hideously ill---i would say to my then boyfreind---oh, im FINE i am not dying. little did i know i WAS.

i got lucky and pulled through but that was a close call.. too close... i still have damage from it all.

anyway YOU have to want to get over ED. and if you feel this treatment is not working---then find something that will work for you.

love
maureen