Every time anything goes wrong in my parent's life it always feels like I am the one at fault. My parent's are broke and every time I go see them (which is about twice a week because if I am over there less they make me feel guilty about not bringing my daughter to see hr grandparents) I feel like it is my fault because I can't help them. It makes me so angry because they make me feel like I'm a bad and ungrateful daughter. It is one of the primary reasons I cut! I feel like I have to punish myself even though I KNOW it really can't be my fault. I stay awake at night worrying about if I got enough done for them. I just don't understand it. I get calls at three o'clock in the morning from my mother begging me to come pick her up because my dad is drunk and I do it even though my husband hates it because if I don't I can't handle the guilt. I just spent 70$ paying to have my mom's liscense reinstated for the 3rd time, just a week after spending the same amout for my dad's liscense. Sometimes I jsut want to tell them to leave me alone forever because I can't deal with their stuff on top of the screaming pain and anxiety I have over my own stuff but that thought makes me feel even worse. I don't know how to tell them I just need to live my own life for a while away from them because if they don't hear from me they call and they call and they call and my dad leave nasty messages if I don't answer telling me that I am a terrible person and how I am no daughter of his and how I am ungreatful for all they have done for me. I have heard this so much in my life any time I try to do something they don't like that I half (sometimes more than half) believe what they say is true! I know that this sort of thing is toxic to me and my health but I just can't stop it.
im sorry:( i dont know if i give very good advice or not, but id still love to talk, if that would help. good luck!
Pugs & Kisses
Thanks Starry. I know that you have your own things you are dealing with. I really appreciate the time you take to offer me a bit of support.
thats how i been feeling. no matter what i do for anything it isnt good enough. with the break up of my girl and myself it wasnt easy. with having people but in where it wasnt needed. i lost my bestie of 10 years because of it. i feel no matter what i do it isnt good. i cant make anyone happy. but then when i had a total break down and cried i felt a lil better. i thought the world would have been a much better place if i wasnt here because then there wouldnt be any pain from heartache. i wouldnt get used. i wouldnt be someones play toy or mind F*ck, i am just over in getting hurt and being used. i put my foot down. i finally did something for me. and i tell ya what. it feels pretty **** good to.
i am here for ya. no matter what hun.