It IS my fault

Dear lying abuser,

It wasn't my fault:

- that my bruises couldn't always be explained away

- that I bled on your arm when you broke another tooth and cut my mouth so badly.

- that you slammed my head into the wall for bleeding on you

- that my hair came out too easily when you pulled it

-that I could barely move for days after your attacks

-that I shook when your number came up on the phone

-that I believed I must be causing your anger

-that I would cry for hours alone in my room all day

-that our son hates you and fears you

BUT, It IS my fault:

- that the changes in our home are pure of heart and spirit again!

-that my home is full of friends again!

-that I am able to see your lies and your tricks

-that I AM a good person inspite of who you tried to turn me in to!

-that we will survive and THRIVE

-that I will spend the rest of my life fighting for women and children like us and all who have not survived and all that have. We are an army of truth, in a battle of life, for the children, the desperate, the lost and the forgotten.

I may stumble and at times I will hesitate before I get back up, but make no mistake I WILL get back up every single time, without exception!

It ISN"T my fault that we became victims, but it IS my fault that we became survivors!

Sometimes the lines are blurred being so new to getting out so I have to remind myself where the "lines" are distinctly drawn between what isn't my fault but also what is.

I did the best I can today and will do my best tomorrow! One day at a time.

Finally sleepy, Suzee

Suzee

wow if i wrote out something similar I would be in tears every time I write something down it helps me to see all the abuse and how things really were. You are right though it isn't your fault. they had a choice to love us they took marriage vows and failed to fill them.we are not responsible for their actions its a choice they made to treat us the way they did.

wee can only thank them for one thing making us a FIGHTER! making us a liittle bit stronger!

Would you mind if I wrote something similar ...like everyone keeps telling me chin up and hold your head high. you are sooo much better than him.

Love and HUGS AG♥

Im so sorry for what he did to you suzee:( .............:'(

I started a post also but was too hard to complete maybe tonight:(

thank you for posting this suzee
...one day at a time(:

it took a lot of strength to get out of that situation and a lot of courage to not give into it any more. i cant say how proud i am of you and that i hope one day i will be as strong as you are.

keep the faith

WOW> I cant even begin to say how powerful that is. Thanks.. that sums it all up.. i am proud of who you are and become..

WOW, now I'm in tears!! All of your posts REALLY hit me. Even though I have learned that what happened was wrong and that we didnt' deserve it, it still "hits me" sometimes that people really do support us and it feels like a such a relief.

This is happening to so many people. I want to clarify as well, that there are men who've been abused in this way too. SO I don't mean to omit them. I am sorry if my posts seem to not recognize that abuse isn't gender specific. And even though, it's not as common, it's not ok to disregard the men who've suffered. As a matter of fact, it's quite the opposite. We REALLY need to open our hearts more to the men because i think they are even more secretive than we are because they feel like men are supposed to be invincable and too tough to be hurt. Please accept my apologies.

SIncerely thankful for you all, Suzee

Dear sweet AG,

Please feel free to write whatever you want to. That would be wonderful if it will come out. PLease let yourself feel these things and be able to express them. Honestly, it helped me alot to write it down and cry, but when the tears stopped, it was only 20 minutes later and I felt like i had been cleansed of some really crappy stuff that had been gunking up my ability to smile. I woke up this morning ready to get going forward in our journey.

Always know that you and anybody are always welcome to post whatever you want on any thread of mine. You have a very important story to tell, and I am always here for you just as you are always here for me.

Big hugs, Suzee

Very VERY powerful. God bless you Suzee <3

Suzee reading what you posted was hard because it resurfaced many memories of my own abuse. I don't really know how to express my feelings i know they are there.right at the surface.Part of me can't seem to feel or is numb.
Im torn inside..many would be shocked if I shared some of my memories.I have read that emotional abuse is harder to heal from because it is something we live with daily. And the one person that is supposed to love you DOESN"T:'(

AG

Dear AG,

I'm really sorry my post has caused you distress. But I do understand the part of you feeling numb or not feeling at all. I think we literally can be feeling like fighters one minute and the next we almost go into a trance like state because of the memories that come over us without any regard to the fact that we don't want to think about it or remember it.

I find that I get really, really anxious and maybe angry and panicked when I'm trying to hide the things in my mind that pop up whenever the hell they want too!

I can say that the more I read and do counceling and support groups and talk with all of the people here, that abuse that occurs over years, will take a long, long time to heal. The emotional and psychological abuse that we endure is embedded in our brains and because it's a daily occurance over a period of years, there are a million more "instances" that our brains try to catalog. Our physical and sexual abuse is more related to certain "episodes" of harm. I truly think both are equally hard to heal from but the words and actions are so constant that we have a whole lot more to disect and get rid of... I hope that makes sense... I've done alot of thinking and that's the way it seems to seperate in my brain.

Do you hear his voice still? Like you're at a stoplight and it's like he's right there saying nasty things to you? That's something that happens to me. I hear "look at yourself, you're worthless" or "how stupid are you" or "you won't get away with it".

The nightmares are back... :( I know you've had more nightmares and memories lately... Please know that you are safe here and that Sue and I and others really do care about you and your children. Sometimes when the nightmares are really bad, like 2 nights ago, I awake drenched in sweat and crying and shaking. I don't sleep in the dark anymore because when I'd wake from a nightmare, I would fear he was standing there in the darkness. SO I have lights on so I can at least see he's not standing right there near me. I do though, have to go and check on the boys. I have flashlights now, in everyroom and hidden in drawers and placed on shelves so that I feel like I can always find a light if electricity would go off. I'm more afraid of this I think because the last time he got me, he had cut the electricity in the house.

It seems that lately alot of us survivors are having court stuff and visitation stuff etc.. going on. I think it definately has something to do with the increased panic and nightmares, memories etc... I guess I'm hoping this is just another really tough time for us all right now and it's happening this way because we have each other and this board to hold us up and love us through it.

These are long days lately and even longer nights... please know that I have come to love you as a sister, respect you as a mentor, regard you as a warrior and know you as a friend. I do not take those things for granted and I count you every day, as one of the reasons I can believe in God again and trust in the truth.

And I think you might be shocked at just how NOT shocking some of your memories are to others reading... it's all part of the truth that WAS our lives. I love you Grace and I am here when you need me.

Your sister, Suzee

Its 1.30 could not sleep but am finally worn out will respon sometime tomorrow♥

Suzee,
Thanks so much for all that you have shared. It has been so insightful. I have been through so much in my time and still feel so much pain and heartache that I dont believe I will know what true love from a man would feel like. I sit and wonder if all this keeps happining to me it must be my fault. Somehow I am doing something wrong. I dont even know what it up and down some days.. Mine all started when I was 13 years old and I was raped by a 20 year old man. I didnt tell anyone due to fear he instilled in me that he would do something else if I did. I started dating guys who only wanted to do one thing and I thought that was what I was suppose to do. I didnt understand and my parents were strong christians so I feared telling them. I thought I had let them down and god. I became involved with a man who was abusive physically and emotionally. He didnt just hit me but did more horrible things. ( i.e. holding pillows over my head till I would quit struggling so he could show his control) the start of getting away was when I went to my parents finally after a horrible night and he punched my 2 year old in the stomach for crying while he beat me. I was so terrified and yet I was scared to totally be away from him. So I would appease him with seeing him and doing things for him while he was living alone and dating other woman. I finally was able to get away from him , but still live in fear of seeing him one day on the streets. I went from one bad relationship to another and than finally married someone who I thought was better. Lo and Behold it wasnt. I live with a man who know thinks its ok to talk to other woman behind my back and says I should be happy cause he does come home to me daily! I am so miserable and dont even know what true happiness feels like. I read your posts and feel like it meant so much to me to know I am not alone and that there is a support team out there for us all. Thanks so much..

Dear Hurtnbroken, I am so so so very sorry for all that you've been through. It's not right and you deserve so much more. I am so sorry you were alone all those years with such horrible abuse!

Are you seeing a councelor/therapist? I know seeing one has helped me so much. You've suffered some very severe, life altering abuses and you aren't going to be able to ever have the life you deserve without understanding what's been happening to you and how you can take the control of your life, back. I read some of these posts and I find myself having to walk away from the computer because I want to drop kick an asshole!! I read another post with vanna posting what her fiance has been doing and I just literally want to scream!! Now I understand what people have been talking about with the different stages we will go through in our recovery from abuse. I must have hit an angry streak that could kick the **** out of an elephant!!!

I want to tell you that I know your husband, AG knows your husband, puppy knows your husband, startingover knows your husband, eventually sunshine knows your husband.... we ALL know your husband because "he's" all of the husbands we had too!! Carbon copies!!

I left, one night with nothing but our shoes and jackets. No money, no nothing!! There are people who can help you with every single thing you and your children will need. Start preparing to go, get essentials set aside and hidden. Make sure you have birth certificates and soc security numbers etc.. so you can have it with you for applying for help etc... BUT if you don't have anything ready but you feel it's time to just leave, then it's time to leave and don't worry about paperwork because the shelters can help you with everything.

Believe me, it all becomes so much clearer with each passing day away from the abuser. You start to recognize that we weren't in love with him, but moreso who we dreamed he might be. We start to "see" things for the way that they actually are once we can get some time to think. PLease know that you deserve to be out just as much as I do!!

Can I tell you a secret? I've been out for 3 months last friday and I already see who I really was all along. I'm getting happier times and I can almost look men in the eye for the first time in years. You are in there and you wouldn't be here if you weren't supposed to find us.

I am very glad you are here and I am very sorry if this post is a bit "strong". I think I've hit a point where the abuse is so so so so so clear now and I'm angry at all POC's (peices of crap) that are still out there throwing their BS around like they will never have to answer for their behavior.

You are so sweet and you truly don't deserve one ounce of what you've been through. Let me know if you need anything from me at all. A shoulder, a laugh, some self defense pointers,... you name it, I'll find a way to help!!

I am keeping you and (vanna) in my prayers tonight. I am so sorry I didn't see the other posts earlier.

Hang in there with us. We have really comfy chairs with alot of boxes of tissues for all kinds of tears!! We laugh as much as we cry which is an immediate change for most of us from what we endured living with the POC's! I will put on a fresh pot of chocolate caramel brownie coffee and we'll talk.

I wish you safety and respect, because you deserve that and so much more.

Sending hugs, Suzee

Suzee-I am so sorry he did that to you but so happy you got out! I am so proud of you!
Hugs-Marisol

dear suzee, yes it does bring back memories, but it brings back the bright ones of the miracle of getting out and what my life is like now. the sad part for me is that my son is deeply damaged by the abuse and he sided with the abuser and my relationship with my son is now in a framework of vitriolic hatred on his part and i knew this would be possible. my abuser was very clever and maniplative and in some ways very good to the children, freindly, companionable, as well as emotionally abusive in ways i don't even want to go into now. but suffice it to say it was hell while he was alive, oh he would do things like play one boy against the other. bring one boy treats and not the other, tell one boy his mother was "F;;;;;;;;d" and behind the other boys back and stuff like that. all emotional turmoil until he died. he couldn't handle my sons having skizophrenia at all. and he didn't do it well, just bought his more cigarettes than he needed and energy drinks until he went into psychosis and stole money from the other brother. just stuff like that. supposed to get the one boy food and bought him junk from the gas station and all because he convinced them that I was the bad guy here. this was the last 15 years i can't tell you what the previous 15 was like. oh well its over now he is dead. thank God, rest his soul, and i am glad. i finally got him off the payee, but he still got the one brother to lend him money he was so insidiously powerfully manipulative. and nothing i could do. they wanted his love so babdly you see. that was it, they wanted to be loved by him sooo badly. and now the eldest, well he is just picking up where his father left off and emotioanlly abusing his own wife and me and it's really sad.

love you all and pray for us all, your prayer warrior in a time to refrain from embracing, waiting and praying, maria

You have given me strenth!!!! You EMPOWERED me to continue to thrive and grow and seek help for the many fears associated with living threw and surviving abuse!!!! I'm happy you found your voice Suzee. I can smile knowing that he has no power over me. I survived Him. Just as you Survived! God bless you Suzee!!!

Hi Notlosinghope, I can't think of a more amazing quote than, "You empowered me to continue to thrive and grow...." I am so happy that you feel that way as it's the only healing direction out of abuse.

Truly I am so happy for you!! It's absolutely amazing to survive and thrive!!! It's the best feeling in the world!

Sending hugs, Suzee

So sorry for what you have been through. It is amazing that you have been able to overcome such hardship & seem to be doing so much better in such a short time! You didn't deserve any of that. How did you overcome the guilt? I am struggling w/overcoming the guilt & shame--so much so I feel that i'll never get over it & get days where i do not want to go on. I have done some therapy but I think it makes the pain worse for me. So happy though that you were able to realize none of that was your fault!

Hi Firelilly, I'm so sorry about the way that you are feeling, but I can tell you that it is common for us to feel this way, especially early in our journey. We feel guilt and shame mostly, because we've been so abused that we believe somewhere in our hearts that we are the cause of making our abusers act the way they do. Also I believe that we feel guilt, shame and "love" for them because we are/were "in love with a dream about what we THOUGHT we were going to or supposed to have". Kind of similar to a little girl believing in princess' in castles etc... We want to believe that we were going to have that "special love" and a "happily ever after" kind of life. We feel this way often, because abusers typically make us believe that our friends and families, have treated us so badly or don't understand us like they do so we believe that "HE" is our ticket to the fairy tale because our friends and families just cannot love us and guide us the way our abusers can etc...

Typically we've worked very very hard being a wife and a mother and the more kids we could have for the abusers, the bigger the "proof" that we are meant to be. BUT our abusers feel that the more kids we have, the less options we will have being independant. When I look back, I realize he was trying to make it impossible for me to make it on my own. Gosh, so sorry to ramble!!!

Hugs, Suzee