It’s happening again evidence right in my face he’s doin

It’s happening again evidence right in my face he’s doing drugs hookers contacting a girl he cheated on me with I stopped trying to check on it a long time ago because every time I see something I feel so f*ing sick and keep crying it’s easier just to be mad at him because I know but not see the actual proof. Somehow the video chat was linked to my phone I don’t even know how but I fixed it so it’s definitely not anymore. But the damage is done. Every time this happens I just want out like what the hell am I doing?!?!? But I know what it is early on he made sure I’m afraid of him so I just want to smooth it over go back to pretending it’s ok even pretending to myself it’s ok. I literally convince myself that I do want to be with him and things could get better. And I’m not lying to myself that I love him, somehow, even though I definitely should hate him and am almost angry enough to. What’s crazy is 99% of why I first fell in love with him was ALL LIES (literal pathological liar not being hyperbolic) so I try to tell myself I don’t love him I love the person he tried to pretend to be but I don’t know I guess if there’s enough good, not enough to outweigh the bad but still, it makes it impossible to stop loving them? I don’t know I feel so physically sick and my heart is doing it’s crazy thing really bad, at least I have someone check on me daily so if I have a heart attack or something the cats won’t die (really the only thing I care about anymore I’m trying really hard to not care about what happens to him because he sure as sh*t doesn’t give one dam about me). The best part is he keeps bringing up the stuff I do to protect myself from him like I’m the bad guy, hello why did I have to start doing it in the first place? I never dreamed I would have to do this and really I should have said, hey if you have to do this just break up with him! But I wanted to give him a chance and by the time it’s clear this is never going to stop happening it’s too late. I don’t know I’m trying not to do anything permanent until my head clears especially because I’m afraid the cats would end up in a shelter (again, the only reason I haven’t killed myself the past few years) so I’ll just cry it out for now but I don’t really see this ending ok.

Part of what pisses me off the most is that he has no sex drive, we haven’t been together in years, and I was very understanding about it but then he goes off with hookers etc?? Meantime I do have a normal sex drive (or at least I did till I had to bury it to deal with being in a sexless relationship) and I never cheated on him in any sense (haven’t even flirted with anybody or anything) and I haven’t even wanted to. I wanted to want to, the first time I discovered what he did, I was so mad I wanted to get back at him but I just didn’t want to do it. And yet HE’S the one who constantly accuses ME of cheating! I think he knows I’m not too but he just wants an excuse to get mad and scare the **** out of me (for a while he kept telling me how he’d kill me if I did and backed it up with “I accidentally killed someone once already” so it’s scary when he starts acting like he believes I am.) I don’t know I have so much anger over all he’s done to me but I cant express it and somehow I’m the bad guy for protecting myself, for doing honestly way less than anyone else would (anyone else would have broken it off years ago). I’m not even that kind of person I was fine being single for years, every previous boyfriend I dumped for WAY less than what he did a million times over, and I’m perfectly fine with the idea of never getting married or having another boyfriend after him. So wth is wrong with me?

People who chronically lie and abuse often accuse their partners of lying, cheating, and insulting them on purpose - it's a way to control the other person. If we're always on the defensive, we don't ask too many questions about their behavior or feel that we deserve to be treated any differently. Feeling sad, frightened, lonely, defective, and worthless becomes our new normal. Nothing is wrong with you. The ways you think about yourself, your relationship, and the world have been changed over time to serve the interests of the person you're with. I strongly suggest contacting your local domestic violence agency, whether the abuse is emotional, physical, or sexual, or some combination of those. Someone who talks to dozens of people every week who are in similar situations will be able to help you get some perspective on what's happening in your life. You matter and you are worth as much as anyone else alive, even if your thoughts or feelings tell you otherwise, even if your partner's words and actions tell you otherwise. Wishing you a safe day. <3

Please look into Leave A Cheater Gain a Life by Tracy Schorn. So helpful for understanding the manipulative tactics being used on you and how to deal with them.
https://www.chumplady.com/book/

2 Hearts

@devastatedinptbo good advice my friend!