It's 2:30am and everyone is asleep except me. While am I st

It's 2:30am and everyone is asleep except me. While am I still awake watching porn and masturbating? I suck at life.

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Hi utsexaddict. I struggle with this addiction as well. Have you tried any of the 12 step recovery programs?

Hi Lifeonlife'sterms ... I have been to meetings before, but I've never stuck with a program. There are very few SAA, SA, or SLAA groups in my state, and the few times I've been there were only a couple of people there that I didn't really relate to. My church has an addiction recovery program that I've attended, but the format was weird for me and again, I didn't really relate to the people there. Part of my problem is most of the groups are men only, and I have a really hard time talking with men. My greatest experience with 12-step groups was when I was inpatient at The Meadows. I went to a number of different groups while I was there and loved them.

@utsexaddict have you worked with a therapist who specializes in sex addiction outside of the inpatient treatment center? It is easy to follow a program when you are sheltered, were you given the tools to stay sober after you left? As the spouse of a porn addict it has been important for my husband to fully disclose to me. How can I help if I don’t know all of it, have you fully disclosed to your wife so she knows what she is facing as well? I try to be supportive of my husband, but he needs to do the heavy lifting. I have set boundaries he needs to respect because I also have my limits as to how much more I can take. We have lost so much, and he is now a felon because of his compulsive porn use, it has caused very public humiliation for us. I have had to put programs on our computer to monitor and stop porn use. He cannot have a tablet or smart phone, nothing he can connect to the Internet with. Yes this is very controlling behavior on my part, but since he is so addicted it is the only way I will stay, and he fully agreed to it, no complaints. Since the computer has been in lockdown and he has no access to porn his depression is lifting, he is happier, and our sex life has improved.
I hope you are able to find some peace in your life and not be locked in this life destroying lie that is porn.

@MyFightSong Thanks for your thoughts and encouragement. I have been to a therapist that specializes in sex addiction, but all they talked about was triggers, the addiction cycle, etc. I know all of that. I need to heal the emotional basis for all the acting out. Plus, he was a guy, and I don't do well with guy therapists. All excuses, I know, but it just wasn't a good fit.

Yes, my wife knows everything. I don't tell her every day about the struggles I'm having, but we have "catch me up on how you're doing" talks every couple of weeks. Thankfully she is fully committed to us being together forever and understands that overcoming this is going to take my entire life. I am lucky that I've never been arrested for anything (prostitution), and have never had anything sexual made public. I did have a very public suicide attempt that was difficult to move past, but that was six years ago, and isn't really an issue anymore. We too have attempted to use programs in the past to stop the porn use. Unfortunately, I am much better with technology than my wife, and have always been able to get around her controls ... plus, I've found that it just leads to me finding another way to access it that requires me to lie and keep secrets. More excuses, I know. I guess I'm basically just trying to say that for me I feel like I need to address the underlying issues rather than try to just focus on controlling the symptoms (looking at porn). I don't know if that makes sense.

Thanks again for writing. I really appreciate it. I agree that porn destroys lives.

@utsexaddict my husband has also had to address his underlying issues. But after so much time together living a lie I had reached my breaking point. I didn’t know the porn use was so out of control until law enforcement searched our home. I just thought it was normal, but the level of sneaking around was crazy. I don’t want to sound harsh, but you do have many excuses, and they are a dime a dozen, if you really want to heal and be healthy you will move past the big buts, and really work it. I hope your wife is not just doing what she has to or enabling the behavior, that would not be healthy. Don’t get me wrong, I love and care for my husband, and I used to make excuses for him. Those days are gone. He has taken things from me that have broken my heart, no monetary value, but I have been driven to the edge, the view was not pretty, and I will never go back there. Until you want to change or until your wife is fed up you will continue to make excuses. Like I said, I really don’t mean to sound harsh, but this is how what I am reading that you have written comes across. I hope you are able to find peace and happiness in your life. It is to short to waste on BS.

Don't worry, I understand what you're saying and where you're coming from. I'm just trying to be realistic. There is no technology or program that will keep me from looking at porn if I want to. I imagine the same is true of your husband. There are a million ways to find it and see it if one has made up their mind to view it. I completely understand that you reached a breaking point and that was important for your ability to move forward and have trust with your husband. I think my wife and I are just a little different. It's not that she forgives my behavior or enables me, it's just that she knows this is a long fight that is so much deeper than just not looking at porn. I had a sex addiction long before I had access to porn. Porn just took me in deeper. The root causes of my addiction come from the trauma from the abuse, the need to feel perfect because of my religion (which led me to live two different lives - one hidden), my low self-esteem from years of both shaming myself and getting beat up ... lots of stuff. I am to a point now where sex can be found anywhere ... on the internet, on a phone, in a movie, with a neighbor, with a coworker ... there's really nothing anyone can do to stop me from finding it if I want to. I think my wife understands that, and so rather than focus on trying to limit and stop every behavior that may lead to acting out, we are just focused on staying close to each other and working to resolve the root causes. I hope that makes sense.