My last post was so postive and I really felt happy and for the first time in a long time, normal! Since then I fell back into my old bulimia habits, and was spiraling quickly to my "rock bottom". I kept asking myself WHY?! I was finally so happy, and yet I coudn't let myself stay like that could I? Almost as if I felt I didn't deserve it. Those six days after my "high" were awful. But I managed to talk to my boyfriend about it and he made me feel strong and confident again. I then had a really good day, but the next day was not good.. and I binged and purged. I remember laying in my bed a few nights ago saying I AM SICK OF THIS! Why am I letting food and the scale control my life?! I am in control... not food and certainly not a number on the scale. That was two nights ago, and the past few days have been great! I have been trying to stay postive, and I am trying something silly... but it seems to be of some help. Whenever I feel low or down, I look in the mirror and say something empowering, like "You are in control, not food" or "You are strong and can make it through this as an even stronger person."
I want to be free of this illness... It's driving me absolutely insane! I was in class today and I zoned out, and I then started to really listen to my thoughts, and WOW! Everything had to do with when I was going to eat, what I was going to eat, exercise, and my weight. This is not the life I want. This is not the life I deserve! I am going to try and shift those thoughts to something that is actually important. Maybe after a while, my thoughts won't be "wired" to obsess about these silly little things. There's so many more important things in life, and this "obsession" has got to go!
You are right this isnt the life you want or deserve.Keep saying that.Ive been in rec from ana for 8 yrs and everyday I have to fight the fight.Some days are btr than others.Oh it does get so much easier and your life will change for the better but the one thing ive learned is you have to get ready for a fight a fight with ed who wants to rule your life .This might sound crazy but when I first was really trying to recover after the hosp and didnt have that 24 hr support i would actually be yelling outloud to ed telling him he was a liar liar liar thats what the voice is a big lie to try and make u miserable.I say all this with love I remem when i was deep into my ana thinking theres never a way out but there is there is a rainbow if u ever need to talk im here.
looking....please don't put this on yourself! Professional help is critical for anyone who is suffering with this complex disorder! You know this is not the life you want, so please get help so that you can work to find that life that you deserve and want! Thinking of you...Jan ♥
I can definitely relate.. I was there w/ the obsessive thinking, I had to be on professional medicine until my weight and eating habits were healthy and normal...
I'll say that my number one thought at that time was :"Something in me wants me well..." this came in response to something someone else said which was negative. I couldn't have any of those negative thoughts in my head if I was going to get better. It seemed like ALL of my thoughts were so HEAVY and any negative thought weighed too heavy for me to function.
Thanks and good luck, I will be following this post thread!...
C.
Thank you so much for the kind words. You are right, every day is a huge struggle but I have noticed that my good days have gotten so much better than they used to be. A couple of weeks ago a good day would be eating little, exercising a lot, and not caving to any feelings of my Eating Disorder. Now a good day consists of not worrying about food, and feeding my body with the nutrients it deserves. I had a bad day today, but I am using it as a learning process. I found I was in a completely good mood but I was bored, and I know that the binge/purge cycle does pass a lot of time. I am becoming okay with myself but I need to find something to keep me occupied at all times, since I am obviously not ready to be left with nothing to do.
I actually read some suggestions on here once where someone was looking for something to do:
I wish I could remember them all, but I will say I remember knitting and phone calls as some of them...
Have you been to any of the Anonymous programs, in particular, ABA because I go on the phone meetings...