It's all too much

I can't deal with feeling like this anymore. I can't deal with always feeling fat, unworthy, disgusting, ugly, ashamed. I can't deal with being me. I can't deal with the thoughts, the voices, the constant battles. I can't deal with eating, with not eating, purging, not purging. I can't deal with the stress, the strain, the constant feeling that my head will explode any minute!! I CAN'T COPE WITH ANY OF IT... Just want it all to be over!!

Lace...i'm going through the same thing right now. I wish there was just an off switch. that i could just get one day off from it all. I'm truely sorry that you're going through this. It will be okay though. You'll get through this..and so will i.

Lace..I too am sorry that you are feeling at such a desperate point. Can you possibly use this as a motivating point to make cnanges? Forgive me, but I don't remember if you are seeing a professional, but if you are not, I strongly suggst that you seek help. You don't have to live like this, and you CAN move beyond this if you get the right help! Please keep writing, and know that you are deserving of help.....Jan ♥

Rebekah, I know what you mean about that off switch, I imagine that switch many times a day. I am sorry you feel as I do too, it is so not nice to feel so down all of the time, without being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Will I ever be free of this? Will I ever be happy? Will I ever be able to fully recover and feel at ease with my past? I just don't know. I'd like to think there is some hope for me, but I honestly just don't know!!

Jan, thank you for your reply. I am currently seeing a therapist at an eating disorder unit. I have 15 more sessions with her. I get so anxious before my sessions, and I just feel like they are all I think about from one week to the next, that and food, the only things that consume my thoughts. I have finally told my therapist that i would like to talk to her about my past, but I am worried what she will think of me, I'm scared that she will think I am to blame, as that is how I feel. I know that I am going to need to talk with her tomorrow about it, and I am soooo soooo scared right now!!

I feel so weak, physically and mentally. I promised myself that I would not eat today, but I have already cracked and eaten a greek yogurt this morning. I feel so ashamed, weak, fat, ugly. I hate eating, I get scared that I won't be able to stop. It messes so much with my head.

Sorry rant over