It's been 6 months since I discovered my husbands affair. We

It's been 6 months since I discovered my husbands affair. We are working on our marriage and honestly, things have never been better. He's very attentive to me and patient with me when I have my freak out spells and question him about wanting details of the affair. I realize all I'm doing is keeping it fresh in his mind and need to move past it. I think about it everyday and it's eating me alive. I love my husband with all of my heart and have never been more happy in our 20 year marriage. Why can't I forget about the affair? I feel like I'm becoming obsessed with her and what it was that he chose her over me for that brief period of time. In the end he's chosen me but the pain of the betrayal is almost too much to bare. Will it ever ease?

2 Hearts

This situation sounds very similar to mine. I am 5 months since I discovered my husbands affair and we have been married for 8 years. I have the same struggle of obsessing over the other woman and I even picture and plan what I will do/say to her if I ever see her (like at the grocery store or wherever). If I start thinking about her or how he chose her over me for that brief period of time I try to shift my focus on how at the end of the day he chose to come back and work things out with me, and really the affair was about his issues and not about her being any better than me. She was just easier than me and mistresses usually are easier than wives at least in the beginning. I hope you are able to let these obsessive thoughts go, I read in an article that it usually takes two years to move past an affair so I am going to keep trying and I hope that in two years it will be a lot easier, but I am making an effort not to push my husband away or make things worse by bringing up the affair everyday. Sometimes I make goals for myself like "I'm not going to bring up the affair at all this weekend" things like that have helped me. Good Luck to you.

3 Hearts

@jin111 thank you for the response and helping realize that my thoughts and feelings are not so crazy. Best of luck to you as well!

It has been 11 weeks for me since I found out. My wife and I have been married 23 years. I too love my wife very deeply and she is the same with me. She is also doing everything she can to help me through this but it still is tough. She cant even tell me why she did it.

1 Heart

@gonnamakeit praying for peace to you and your wife.

From what I've read, seen and experienced, you are perfectly normal. I'm 8 months from Dday and still have those "moments" that the ow invades my brain. I am getting better at talking myself away from it, but it happens and I know it's just a way for my brain to process this mess. I have been having pep talks with myself lately and if nothing else they redirect my brain to thoughts of me instead of her. I remind myself that my life is still in one piece, fractured perhaps but not beyond repair. I tell myself that while she was trying everything possible to get my husband to leave me for her, nothing worked. Basicly I won a war that I didn't even go to!! How awesome is that, right? So while I may have taken a serious hit to my ego, I also remind myself that I have something special that he sees in me even if I can't see it right now. We work very hard to keep the lines of communication open, but I have come to a point that I don't tell him every detail of what I'm thinking. At some point I need to stop bringing her up because all I'm doing is keeping her memory alive. My sad moments are noticeable of course, and he always asks if I'm ok, what can he do to help? I tell him that just him asking and noticing are what helps me the most. He is plugged in to our marriage now as am I. All I can say to you is that whenever you think of the affair, counter that with something positive and uplifting and that makes you feel special .

4 Hearts

@Harmony1979 thank you so much for those words. You couldn’t be more spot on! I thought I had a handle on my thoughts and was doing so well for a while. Lately the thoughts of the ow has been more than I could battle. But I know I can overcome this and have to keep fighting. Thank you and I wish you the best!

Sounds just like me. It has been 7 months, and I still obsess about it and I obsess about her. As you say correctly, whenever we bring it up, he thinks about it. I am trying really hard not to talk about it. Even though I think about it every day. This has been my worse nightmare as I never would have thought he would do this to me/us and our family. And it does gross my mind, if he did it once, why would he not do it again? He says he has learn from this and would never ever astray again. But then again, that is just what he belived before. We have been married for 10 years. Have a wonderful family, we have a house, good jobs, summerhouse, everyone is healthy and then ….. boom had an affair for 4 weeks, even told her he loved her. And he is just that kind of a caracter that he does not really go out of his way to show his remorse, but he does show more that he loves me then before. I understand that some women are trapped, that they feel that they can not leave, I am not really that kind of a woman I can leave if I want to. But I do love him, but sometimes I feel that I am not going to get over this. And then why am I trying? Why waste time to heal if I will not heal. I want my life back to the way it was! Well we did have some issues in the bedroom that have been fixed now, but I want to feel the way I felt. Like I was lucky to be with him and he to be with me. That no one could come between us. They say that only 30% of married people have affairs, do you think that is right? Why the he… am I in this 30% When we (at least I thought) had it all.

1 Heart

@Csotella I try to understand what happened to my marriage for it to go there. I knew it hadn’t been good but was totally blindsided and never once imagined this to happen. Since the nightmare we’ve worked very hard and our marriage is at a wonderful place, if I could only forget about her. What hurts the most is the emotional connection that occurred. I think about what their conversations were like because they spent hours talking ( I know this because of our cell phone records). It saddens me that it took this to wake us up but am thankful it wasn’t to fat gone and we are trying to overcome it. Best of luck to you!

No, It won't get better.How can you truly trust him 100% again.?
You can't, And won't.

I hope it gets better. I try to look at it this way. Can I remember every detail of MY most tragic or hurtful childhood experience? No. I can not, but I do remember exactly how it made me feel. So maybe our memories of their affairs will heal in a similar way. I have no clue. I am reaching out for anything helpful. I hope we all heal beautifully.

1 Heart

@marie0512 Same here, they spent hours on the phone. I just don't get it.

From Romantic Relationships to Cheating & Infidelity