It's Been A While

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
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Hello all,

It's been a while since my last post and I apologize. Do you remember me mentioning earlier I had done photography for a wedding? Well I have been very behind on the pictures and was trying to get them done no distractions, so internet wasn't an option. Unfortunately in that time things haven't gone that fantastic.
I did manage to finish the pictures today though. I just wish I felt I deserved the money. I feel as though the pictures weren't as nice as they could have been. Though, then again, it was my first photography job.

In the past few days I've managed to skip two meals "because" of work, or sleeping in too late, and luckily (I suppose) making it up with night time snacking. But it's so weird. My stomach hurts all the time and when I'm hungry, most time the thought of eating makes me feel nauseous, or I'm hungry but don't feel like anything we have or that I could even purchase.
And of course, this lack of nutrients has caused me to be irritable and miserable.

I had a mini-purge too....I call it mini because I was able to stop myself early on, but still.

I'm quite depressed lately and John has noticed. It's hard to eat in front of him too. Especially today. Usually I eat supper a bit early because of Kung Fu on Wednesday's , but I prepared my food and just let it sit in front of me. When he asked if I was going to eat it, I simple said "No." And when he said I had to eat to have energy I replied "I'll eat after Kung Fu." ...I'm pretty sure I saw tears well up in his eyes...he and I both knew I wasn't planning on eating after. Shortly after we moved to the couch where I broke down and cried in his arms --the only place I truly feel safe-- and he did his best to comfort me before he had to leave. Food was still the enemy though.

I decided not to go to Kung Fu tonight because of my lack of energy and emotional state. As I did on Monday. However I also didn't go Monday because the anorexia was telling me to go even though I was tired and fatigued. I didn't feel my mind, motivation or body was up for the challenge so I made myself stay home to rest. I feel guilty about it though.

Still not on laxatives.

I think I'm also worried about my birthday coming up. My dad and I plan on going out for supper, and even though it is my favourite restaurant....I'm super scared. And then our Thanksgiving (Yes, I'm Canadian) is the week after, so that means lots of food and lots of people surrounding food. It makes me quite anxious, and I want to restrict to prepare myself for all the fat and calories to come.

To top it off I've got more work hours during our busiest time of the year (All-You-Can-Eat-Shrimp at Red Lobster...wooo)
My house got a phone call the other day I happened to answer with a very mean lady, and some stuff about how bad our financial situation still is came out...along with more hatred about my Dad from my mother.
Kung Fu is now harder because of the new moves and I'm beating myself up for not learning them right away.
I'm drinking more Coke Zero, which I'm pretty sure is part of my stomach pain issue, increased heartburn and lack of appetite. I'm so worried all of the Coke I've drank this year has completely rotted my stomach, yet I can seem to stop drinking it. I crave it all the time. I had been off it for a while and then treated myself once and it got worse from there. Guess I'm going no more again. I think my teeth have thinned from it too.
My graduation was also last Friday and I got a gift from a lovable teacher I will dearly miss, and saw some old friends. It made me very sad to know that it was truly "The End"

Oh, and then John and I got into a little spit tonight about how I'm beginning to push him away and he doesn't want to become the enemy. I felt so awful...especially because I know it was true. He always seems to linger around when I'm preparing food, and touches me and I HATE it. I just want my bubble around my plate so I can pay attention to portions and measure properly....but I need to stop that right? No measuring, and no anger.
I hate that ED anger! It's like nothing I've ever felt before. It makes me want to throw my plate across the room. Attack someone or scream so loud I break a window...All over food. UGH!

So needless to say I'm a bit low on motivation and just wishing I could sleep the day away and not have to eat at all. Not have to worry about responsibility, or talking to anyone, or even thinking. I want to remove myself from the world and hide in my room with the door locked. Leave me alone and don't dare come in.

I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny, therefore I'm not perfect.
Hunger is strength and I have to power to ignore it and be stronger than all the others.

^^^ These are thoughts that haven't be in my head in a very long time. I used to get anxious when I was hungry because I wanted food straight away or I feared something would happen. Now I wait...and wait...and wait.

Help?

Paige xoxo

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Hey Paige,
Glad to hear from you. I am sorry you are having such a hard time. You seem to be giving ED one hell of a fight though. I am so proud that you are still eating! Keep pushing through! You can do this :)

Yes, Kung Fu gets hard as belts move up. But you can do this! Just practice! I was there before too, but once you get the moves down, its such an accomplishment. Maybe John can help you practice?

I understand the emotions you are going through. I have gone through ALL of them and have some now too. When I first had anorexia, I was dating mike and I pushed him away. And he knew and I knew which only made the pain of it all worse. Try this- instead of pushing him away like ED tells you (and yes I know it is a strong force) just do the opposite. In that one moment that is so strong an impulse to push him away try to say NO. Pull him closer. Tell him your impulses. Tell him the anger your feeling and why! I had a bad moment tonight and though Mike isn't physically with me I told him EXACTLY what was going through my head (even though it wasn't pretty and even though ED told me to not to and give in). ED was wrong. He helped me and got me through the moment. Talking to him is key.

I know you want to measure everything but its not possible all the time- I know I have tried. It drives me crazy. Maybe try to let one snack slide on exact measurements. I know it seems crazy but over time it lets you live a little more freely.

Just get through one day at a time. Enjoy your birthday because you deserve it. A day to celebrate you and FORGET ED. And thanksgiving- allow yourself to be comfortable, don't over do it but don't let ED take over Paige. You are so strong, and so positive. You Can Do This!

Stop trying to define yourself. Don't think of yourself as fat/skinny/perfect. Perfect should not even be a word! You are Paige! Beautiful, amazing, positive, fantastic photographer, caring, loving, smart Paige! Don't forget that okay?

Mechanical eating helps, I know it sucks, but it gets us through the rough patches.

Thinking of you!!!!
allee

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heya
i dont know you, but i just want to encourage you to be really open with John, he seems like he wants to help, and its a favor to yourself and to him to let him help as best he can.
and pleasee get help.. you so deserve to be freed of all this crap... its so painful ED thoughts, everything about it is horrible, yet so addictive... but you need to push through..

ash x

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Hi Paige

I'm so glad you posted, I was starting to worry about you as you are normally around. I am sorry to hear that you are having a tough time at the moment, am thinking of you.

Well done for listening to your body and not going to your normal class. Your body was telling you to slow down and you were not strong enough to do the class and you listened. Fantastic news on the laxatives too, I'm so proud of you, that is such an amazing achievement, and I hope you are proud of yourself too!!

I know it is hard not to push the ones you love away when the ED is pulling you in, but try to be strong and don't push John away. Hold on to John. He wants to be there for you, help you through this, be a good boyfriend. He sounds like a keeper ;-)

YOU CAN DO THIS!! I KNOW YOU CAN!!

Try to take one day at a time. Try not to think too far ahead at all the events coming up, deal with them one at a time. Don't overload yourself.

As for the pics, I bet they are fantastic. Don't put yourself down.

I'm sorry my advice is not the best. I am thinking of you though and hope the next couple of days are better.

Lisa

x

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Hi Paige,

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling right now. Someone who is recovered told me that when it gets overwhelming think of each minute as a new minute. so whatever happens in a minute you can start fresh and try again. Recovery is full of bumpy patches but remmeber that they are just patches and you can get through them. You have a really good support system and its great that you feel safe with John and that he can help you through. Remember that this was your first photography job. Also remember that with eds we tend to distort things and you probably did a much better job than you think. Focus on the good things that happened with your first job like finishing the pictures and getting a first photography job! Be proud of all your small successes! And stopping yourself during a purge! That is huge Paige. Great work! It is also awesome that you did not push yourself to go to kung fu when you were not up to it. Also great work on the no laxatives. paige you making such huge accomplishments and I am so proud of you, I hope that you can be proud of yourself too. Im sorry that you are scared about going out for your birthday with your dad. Can you voice this to him? Can you bring something like a healing stone or a picture or symbol to help centre yourself? I know how hard it is when someone is staring at you trying to make sure youre doing what youre supposed to or pointing out what youre doing wrong. Sometimes I feel like Im treated like a child because of my ed. It feels like Im not trusted sometimes and that people around me point out everything Ive done wrong instead of everything Ive done right. Can you tell your boyfriend tha tyou dont like whern he does those things and tell him what he can do to help you instead? Its ok to be angry sometimes. maybe you need to scream or punch a pillow and get out your frustrations. It is so hard to resist ed in tough times but keep reaching out and take small steps. Keep believing in yourself and don't give up you can do this. you will get through this tough time. :)Nicole

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Wow, Paige--that's a lot going on! Thanks for keeping us up to date, and above all HANG IN THERE!!! It's well worth your while.