It's been forever, and I come crawling back because to open

Mental Health Self-Harm & Suicidal Thoughts
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It's been forever, and I come crawling back because to open up to those close to me will mean institutionalization, which will only piss me off and send me into another spiral.

Every June I get a little more depressed. My birthday is this month, and it is a constant reminder of how little I feel acknowledged or appreciated in my life.

My father called to wish me an early happy birthday (had to be first, he says). Asked me how I'm doing, and I tried to tell him, but suddenly he has to go, goodbye!

My husband will not be home most of my birthday. He will be with friends for a scheduled get together. Not something I want to join, due to the nature of the get together (if I go, I'll be sitting in s corner as they will all be playing a game and all slots are full). When I tried to express that I wanted to do something for my birthday he expressed how he rarely gets to see his friends (2x a month).

A while ago I asked him to spend more time with me. Told him I feel fractured and lonely. He doesn't want to do any activities I enjoy (though expects me to do something he likes and I don't if I want more time with him). Told him once how this is unfair, i do lots of stuff he likes, he should try some of my activities. He said he'd try, that was months ago. Nada.

We watch a movie, he's playing on his side pc or tablet. We go out for the first time in months, and he's playing on his tablet.

Then there's my overwhelming, underpaid job (same one, for those who know me. I've been too depressed to apply anywhere. Self destructive.), the rest of my apathetic family, and no friends near me who act like they really care.

I am a tool, here to be used until discarded, and my edge is dulling and rusting. I'm ready to throw myself away, because I feel like if I HAD value, it would be evident.

I've divorced before. I've moved around the country, and this storm cloud keeps following me. I wish it would strike me black and crispy, and leave me be.

Why do I fear institutionalization? Because I want to self harm desperately. I want to leave bloody marks and see how long it takes for anybody to notice. I want to give a timeline for an exit strategy.

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You're a good, nice, and valuable person. I'm sorry things are going so badly lately, and am glad you came back here in the hopes that it'll help. I hope things improve for you.

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Couldn't have said that any better Northguy.. dont hurt yourself

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Regardless of my relationship status I almost always spend my birthdays alone. I really kind of hate birthdays because they always leave me feeling so nostalgic for a past in which I mostly would just rather forget.

If I have learned anything it that there is nothing substantial for me in my past, only heartache and pain.

I am not that person anymore.

I feel that I can relate to your post though. I also have a job I am trapped in, and I'd be lying if I said that my urges to self harm were completely gone. In fact very few people know this but I still find ways of harming myself, most of which are less noticeable and leave smaller physical evidence but are still just as unhealthy. I fight it all the time though, and so much you.

The point is, it will be alright. If I can believe that so should you. Keep fighting the urges. When something stresses you out do something that distracts you, like watching a movie or playing a game. Don't hurt yourself, its not worth the scars =)

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